I dont understand???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
I dont understand???
2
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 11:44pm
I met an incredible guy (him-age 34 and me 31) via a dating website the end of January this year. We met and there was an instant attraction mentally and physically on both parts. Over aprox the next 3 weeks we went on several dates and talked about what we both wanted and etc. (We both are in search of a long term relationship and eventually marriage.) After those three weeks of dating it was very evident that we both liked eachother and there was potential..however over the past couple dates he had mentiond that for the past 6 months he has been in this so called "funk" and he is having a tough time getting out of it. Since we did not know each other too well I did not want to ask a lot of questions and just said that if he ever wanted to discuss it I was there for him. After about 3.5 weeks of dating he comes to me and says again..I am in this "funk" and I need some time to work on me and we can revisit "us" in a few weeks to see how am feeling at that time. He also made it very clear that he did not want to ruin what we had started, however he did not feel it was fair to me he was feeling this way. I was understanding to his situation and agreed to let things with us lay low. Now mind you..when we dated over those three weeks we never were intimate, barely kissed..yet did hug and show affection in other ways. We did have the discussion that sex would wait until we were both in love and were ready. Ok..moving on..so 2 weeks go by and he calls me and asks me what I am to the following weekend...I mention to him my son (10 yrs--whom had not met him yet) was having a football game. He lit up when I mentioned the game and he said..wow, I would love to come! So, he came to my son's game and it was the first time after this seperation we had seen eachother and he also met my son for the first time (which I wasnt so sure about honestly at the time). It was wonderful to see him and he felt the same way when he saw me too. That evening after my sons game we all went out to dinner together while my son and him talked and got aquainted a bit. After dinner we went back to our house and my son went off his way while he and I w talk about things and have some privacy. Anyway, it was great, we had a great time together that day. The next evening we met for dinner (just the two of us) and he told me that he wanted to make a go of things with us. Ok..so I am thinking..what ever this "funk" is, he must be doing better right??? NO. One more week goes by and the following Saturday I had invited him over for dinner..well, mid day he calls me and says "I am having a bad day and I need some time and would appreciate a rain check on dinner". So, then the next day he calls me and says...I need to talk to you about something..may I come over later today? I say, sure. He ends up not being able to come over, but he does call me and he proceeds to tell me that this "funk" feeling is just not going away and it is really bothering him and he just does not know how to deal with it. He says..."I dont know what my problem is, I can't seem to feel anything for anyone anymore!" He did explain to me that he was with a girl a few years ago that really broke his heart. I told him I think that he may be feeling the way he does because he is not completly over what happened and he needs to seek help and deal with it prior to going into any relationship. He did tell me he had dated 2 other girls prior to me since that bad relationship and he just thought he just did not have a connection with them, so he ended it. However, he said that he knew that something is not right now..because here he has an incredibly sweet and kind person, whom is a great mom etc..and I am not feeling things that I know I should be feeling. He again like the previous sepration made it clear he did not want to loose what we had started, however he needed to really deal with this issue..and once he is over it..he said he wanted to continue things with "us" at that time. I was understanding to his feelings/situation and agreed we would just be friends. He did said that he has been debating on counseling..however just not too sure about the whole "counseling" thing. I encouraged him to seek help and also told him I have been in positions myself where I have had to seek help and that is what they are trained to do and they will be able to help you..but he had to make the first step. He then stated he was going to check into his resources. One other thing I have noticed with him is he keeps him self so busy that he does not have any alone time until he he has to lay his head down and go to sleep..I did point this out to him and he agreed he does do that..and maybe that is why once he is alone..he feels sadnes..but once he is out and about and is busy..he does not have to think about what the real problem is.

Ok..so now we are JUST FRIEND status. THe past saturday we see eachother for the first time and it is so evident the feelings are still there for the both of us..comments and eye contact is made etc..you get the point. It was like we were fighting our feelings..both of us!! So..he came to the game..and that was it for us seeing each other..he had a work function to go to that evening.

I really dont understand this "funk" thing and why it is he cant feel anything for anyone..especially when he meets someone he is clearly (and he has said this and showed in actions) that he finds me attractive, incredible person, funny, sweet and a great mother etc...yet, he cant get himself to feel anything??? WHY??? ANd how do I deal with this? I am starting to really care for this guy and I am seeing myself head down a road of hurt and I just meet him 2 months ago??!! I am going crazy..I want to see him, I want to talk to him, spend time with him..yet I feel we cant. What do I do..what do I say? Please help me understand this!! I dont want to come across needy or pushy either..please help. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!! THANK YOU!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:12am
why are you chasing a man who is not emotionally stable?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:07am
I think you are handling this just fine. By not appearing needy or pushy. Clearly this guy has issues that he alone needs to deal with. I dont think you can help in anyway except to be a friend should he need one. As a doc I know that what he says he is usffering may well have medical reasons for how he is feeling. You will be best advised to keep him in the "maybe" file. But please dont stop living your life in the meanwhile. Go out, meet other men have fun.

He may seem like a lost puppy and bring out your maternal feelings of affection (subconsciously) but I dont believe you are hooked on him and so it is a good time to find someone else. One incentive might be that people with depressive thought patterns like he seems to be often tend to be commitment phobe. So move on.....