I don't understand him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
I don't understand him!
5
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:12pm
Hello all! This is a very long story, but I'll keep it brief to spare you all from having to spend ages reading it. Pretty basically, I met Chris while on vacation in February 2002. He lived in Florida, I lived in Indiana. After a couple of visits and a lot of phone conversations, I moved to Florida in July of '02. I got my own apartment; we didn't move in together, although I would have liked to. Everything was wonderful and we were very much in love. He even told me to show him which engagement ring I would like!! I have always had issues with depression, and my illness reared it's ugly head that winter. It wasn't anything to do with Chris, there was just a lot of other crap going on in my life. In fact, without Chris, it would have been a million times worse. I know that I wasn't the easiest person to be around, but I was working on things. However, faced with my illness, plus pressure from his parents to marry me and the less-than-desirable influence of his best friend, he broke up with me in January of 2003. This totally devestated me. I coped as best as I could and was actually doing really well until this spring. But total coincidence, I met a woman at the beach at around the same time that Chris met her in an on-line situation. This person has some major issues and decided that it was her job to get Chris and I back together (which I wouldn't have minded, but it was pretty freaky). Because of all of this, Chris and I spoke on the phone numerous times over a period of several months and even had lunch once. We never discussed getting back together, but we did talk about some things (like my depression, which is now under control) and we were making plans to spend some time together. Then, all of a sudden, he just quit calling me and wouldn't take my calls, either. I ran into him at a bar about 6 weeks ago as he was getting ready to leave and he said that it was really great to see me and that we had some things we needed to talk about and that he would call me. Then he hugged me and left. He never called. About a week later, I called him to make sure he made it through hurricane Charley OK, and we talked for a couple of minutes. The he said that we have some things that we really need to talk about but he had to deal with the damage to his house so he would call me later in the week. He has still never called. I've tried calling a couple of times (OK, about once a week), and he never answers at home or on his cell. I left a message last week pretty basically saying that if he had something to say that he didn't want to say directly to me, then to just leave a message on my machine while I'm at work. I still haven't heard anything. I was doing OK until all this mess started, but after talking with him and seeing him, I'm right back to where I was originally. I still love him and want him back, and while I know that's not going to happen, it doesn't change how I feel. I just don't understand him. All my friends tell me just to get over it, but that's easier said than done, as we all know. Any suggestions???
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:41pm

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:26pm
I couldn't agree with you more Anniebea. I understand that it must be hard to see him and hoping that he calls would drive you insane. So just stop the pain and worrying, and put your mind at ease by forgetting about him. That's what it takes. And when you get out there and meet new people, you'll meet a nice, new guy that treats you with the respect you deserve, and THEN when you see your ex, you'll have all the confidence in the world and say, what was i thinking going out with him!

There has to be lots of nice guys in Florida....I'm positive you will find one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:37am
What I don't understand, is why did he tell me that we had some things to talk about if he wasn't going to call? If he just wanted to tell me to get lost and go to hell, he could have done it at the bar when we ran into each other; he could have done it when I called him after the hurricane. But, no! "We have some things that we really need to talk about. I'll call you later in the week". This is what he said! Not I hate you, get lost, go away, I have a gf, nothing like that! What worries me is the situation that got us back in contact again, with the crazy girl that decided it was her job to get us back together. She actually scares me, ya know? I don't know, maybe it's because of her that he's not talking to me now. That whole story is very long and weird, but the last I heard from her (in a very verbally abusive voice mail) was that she was moving out-of-state at the end of July. See, I have no idea what she said to him about me, what lies she told, and that's what worries me. I could handle being told to go to hell (not very well, but I could cope), but I just want to know WHY!!! I don't even really care if he is seeing someone now or not (he wasn't the last time we actually spoke, but that's been a couple of months); I've been casually dating someone off and on since January myself. And the thing I want to make clear is that while yes, I would take him back in a heartbeat, it would have to be on different terms than before. I've changed a great deal since we were together and I don't want to go back to exactly how things were. I guess I just want him to know that, understand that. Just to sit down with him and talk and see if maybe we can be friends, if nothing else. He's a great guy, and while my head tell me to let it go, my heart and soul still tell me that he's the one I'm supposed to be with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:07am
You have no feeling of "closure" on the relationship. I can understand this, you just WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS UP!

Well, he is mean leaving you hanging like this. If you need to nearly "stalk" him and confront him to get closure, then it is not worth it is it.?

Your closure is this: He is not trying to contact you and he is trying hard to avoid talking to you at all. So his actions show he is DONE with you. He does not want to see you or talk to you so anything she said to him or anything you want is unimportant because, sadly, he is making it clear and simple that he does not want to have anything to do with you.

So, accept your relationship is over, done, nada. And go on with your life. You have your answer. Let that answer be your closure. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:47am
Now for an update....... I called and left a voice mail last night saying that HE was the one who said we had things to talk about and that it was VERY disrespectful of him to not call and avoid me like this. That I had thought we had found a way to be friends again, but not if he was going to disrespect me like this. And that he knew how to get in touch with me when he was ready to talk about whatever. So there it is. Cried myself to sleep last night. And then this morning, on the way to work, we drove past each other and he waved and beeped his horn. What kind of b-s is that???