I don't want any more children (repost)
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:53pm |
I am pretty distraught here and looking for a little insight... I have a son who is almost 4 and my BF and I have been together for 3-1/2 years. Our relationship is not perfect, we have good times and bad just like everyone, but in general we are good together and I have been very patiently waiting for the real commitment. (I have never been married, I consider that to be a one time, lifelong commitment and I decided my ex was NOT the one, I had the baby on my own and by his choice I haven't heard from him since, which is a Very Good Thing.) We've talked more lately about whether we could be happy together if we got married and I think for the most part the consensus has been yes. Which is wonderful... but.
I made myself very clear from the beginning that if I was going to have more than one child I was open to the possibility, but I would want them no more than a few years apart and I would not have another child outside of marriage. I mentioned some time ago that (thanks to his reluctance to commit, but I didn't say that) I now consider that window of opportunity to be closed and I no longer have any desire to go through pregnancy and infant stuff (late nights, early mornings, nursing, weaning, diapers, potty training yadda yadda) again. But I still want to be married and have a 2-parent family and BF has been wonderful with my son and they are both quite connected to each other. Everything is great and I think we're headed in that direction and I had already told him I was not intending to have any more children and he seemed like he could be okay with that. Now thanks to another unintended pregnancy and abortion, I am ready to have my tubes tied so I don't have to go through that again. (While it's wonderful that abortion is an option, and I *know* it was the right decision for me when BC failed, it is still a painful and heartbreaking experience.) He has been supportive of the abortion but now all of a sudden he insists that he "might" want kids of his own "someday" and if I get the sterilization he may leave.
So I've told him I could wait a little longer and try to consider the possibility... If it means that much to him, maybe it would be selfish of me to not at least think about it. But the more I think about it, the more sure I am. I have a good job/career path going here where I have security and room to move up, and in theory I could retire in my early 50's with lifetime benefits. I can't see putting another kid through full time daycare and I won't leave my job for a kid. I've got my body back in pretty good shape and I don't want to mess that up... Sure, maybe I'm selfish but at least I understand that about myself and I'm okay with it. I'd rather be selfish than have another kid just to make my man happy. I've heard of too many women ending up alone that way, I'm just trying to do what's best for me. I really just don't want it and I don't think there's anything that would change my mind.
So now I am such a huge mess of emotions and I have no idea how to deal with this. For one thing, I feel like I already sacrificed my desire to have another child because he wasn't ready to commit 2 years ago when I was ready, but I wanted HIM more, so I was okay with it. But now that I want him to give up the same thing he doesn't seem to think our relationship is worth it. I know it's not *exactly* the same thing but I am also giving him the opportunity to be a father to my son, and I personally think being an actual involved parent (possibly adopting him also) is so much more important than whether than child is biologically "yours"... I suppose I'm biased though and maybe that's not fair to assume he could think of it the same way I do. But I just can't believe we could go through 3-1/2 years together, and we've been through some very difficult situations and come out stronger for it, and then it would suddenly come down to this.
It makes me wonder if he's just scared and looking for an exit, since he knows this issue is not negotiable. But then I also wonder if he's just in the process of trying to decide and thinking out loud to see how I respond, he has done stuff like that before. Or maybe it's just not sure how to deal with the abortion and is overreacting? And while my opinion is firm, his is laced with maybes and somedays... but still he actually looked me in the eye and said if I get my sterilization, if I do for myself what I know is best for me, that he might leave. I don't know how seriously to take this. Like I'm not sure if this is a big red light or just a blinking yellow, you know? But I also don't know how much longer I can wait to see if he comes around. Part of me wants to set some kind of commitment deadline, but ultimatums suck and I want it to be true and not pressured. Bottom line is I really do love this man dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and there are many sacrifices and compromises I would make in order to make this work, but having another baby is not one of them.
For anyone who made it through my little novella, thank you ;-) I'm not even sure if there's a question in here but, where do I go from here?? Shoot straight & don't pull punches - I don't know if I can handle the truth, but I do want it. Just looking for an outside perspective. ~Jen
