I dont want a divorce, Help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
I dont want a divorce, Help please
4
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:52am
I have posted this else where, everyone tells me to leave my husband. I dont know if that is the right thing to do. I dont want to hurt my children by them losing there dad. We have seperated before and he has nothing to do with them when we arent together. We tried marriage counsling, he didnt want to go and thought that outside help wasnt the answer.

My husband and I have been married 9 years. We have had a rough marriage (we got married very young) We have had 1 very long going fight that never ends. I think it would be healthy if we had a few friends. He doesnt think so. He think thats we should occisionally hang out at his brother house when we have a baby sitter. He doesnt want anyone over that isnt his family with the exception of my mother and father. He doesnt even like it when we even go out with the children to a movie. He will argue with me the entire day and every infraction the children commit he threatens them that we just wont go. Then finally after we go my head is ready to explode I am angry and tired. He will talk about what a great time he had, and we should do this more often. I have tried to talking to him about this, this is where the never ending argument starts. One the one occision I forced him to go to a new co workers house with me on a friday (she had been asking for about 2 months for us to come by)I mentioned it saw the look on his face and knew if I went I would have to deal with him sulking and angry for weeks. I feel so trapped. He is an excellent father. I know he loves me. He is so jealous though. He ven fought with me over me wanting to dye my hair a reddish color because he has a friend that likes red heads. He doesnt go anywhere at all now unless dragged but earlier in our marriage when he would goand I was willing to let him go to his friends house (the one who likes red heads, cheats on his wife and has a drug problem) I cannot stand to be in the same room with this guy. He degrades women constantly, he is obnixious. I still let it go. My husband will even pull if you let me do this I will let you have a "girls night out" then when it comes time for me to go. He out and out says No. He even invited this friend over I was very nice to him. When someone comes over I invite my husnad is down right rude to them. I grew up a single child with a manic depressive mother. I couldnt have friends over, my mom did nothing but sleep. I thought as an adult I would have a fuller life with more people in it. Not alot but a few. I love my husband and my children, am I being selfish is my husband right? He reminds me when we argue this that his mother didnt have any friends but his fathers family. And that she didnt go anywhere, she stayed home and read and watched TV while his dad went places. I am so unhappy, and I am really worried that it shows that I am just being selfish. I want to do the right thing. I want us to be a happy family, only why is this so hard for me to let go of?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:54pm
HEre's the thing.

You were NEVER IN a relationship of mutual respect, desire, admiration, and equality and mutual benefit with/to/for/about one another.

You were with him because you wanted security, identity, independence?

And he got with you because you'd do anything he wnated, anytime he wanted, anything he said to meet HIS needs and at his STANDARDS and on HIS terms.

And you're still living at that level - his terms, his standards, his needs.

And that won't change...it started out this way because both of you wanted it.....and he still wants it this way so it'll stay this way.

You can't effectuate change that is mutually requiring concession, compromise and communication when only one person wants change.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:12pm
Maybe not what I wanted to hear...I know your right though. Bad thing is we didnt just do this to our selves we have three children together.

Thank you,

Kim
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:29pm
Whoa, back up....

::We have seperated before and he has nothing to do with them when we arent together.

::He is an excellent father.

NO, He's only an excellent father when HE GETS HIS WAY. When things are the way he wants them.

Hon, this man is abusive. Keep going to counseling until you see it for yourself and then figure out what you want to do.

:am I being selfish is my husband right?

No you are not being selfish, but he will tell you this and some part of you agrees with it so you buy into his bs. He's isolating you, making you his mother, not allowing you friends or contact with the outside world, all in the name of LOVE. Not, it's in the name of control and abuse.

I hope you will consider counseling on your own so you can undo the patterns in your life and be happy.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 3:28am
If you never listen to anything else, listen to these words: YOU ARE AN ABUSED WOMAN! The abuser always says the abuse is your fault. Your selfish. Your lazy. You never care about his needs. It's a system of breaking you down until you doubt yourself and rely on him to tell you how to think. Yes, he is isolating you. Very abnormal. Very bad. If you do nothing to save yourself from this constant verbal beating then stop and think about how your kids are being abused. They also are being beaten down and isolated so they cannot socialize on a normal level. They will be screwed up for life unless you help them. The only way to help them is leave and get them to a safe place where he cannot terrorize them. This is not love. This is abuse. You are normal because you still have doubts. Once you stop trying to be normal and give up you will have gone over the edge. He needs serious help. YOU cannot help him. It has nothing to do with you. If you love your kids then get them away from him. Call information and get the 800 number for the abused womens hotline. I can tell you can't see how bad it is but I can. He's teetering on the edge of physically abusing you and your children. Get help and get out before he snaps.