I don't want to feel second rate
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I don't want to feel second rate
| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:40pm |
My fiance has this thing about other girls. He's constantly eyeballing them everytime we're out. I question him about it and he tells me that he likes to "rate" them. He never makes comments about them but I can see him and it makes me feel horrible.
Porn was a big deal earlier on in the relationship but I told him my view on it and he has since slowly stopped.
I just feel like I'm second rate. We've talked about this. He's told me how I'm the only one who means anything to him and I'm the one he wants to marry. But I'd still like to be his center of attraction, not other girls. He never seems to put any effort into making me feel attractive. Once and awhile I get a "you look nice" but that doesn't seem to be enough. I know I already have a low self esteem. I'm a mother of an 18 month old. Stretch marks and weight gain haven't helped the issue. But he never seems to make an effort to make me feel any better. This girl issue is really hurting how I view myself and our relationship.
I just feel so bad about myself because I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. It really sucks.
I know he really loves me.
Am I just overreacting?
Are all guys like this?
What can I do to feel better about me and better about us?
TIA!
Porn was a big deal earlier on in the relationship but I told him my view on it and he has since slowly stopped.
I just feel like I'm second rate. We've talked about this. He's told me how I'm the only one who means anything to him and I'm the one he wants to marry. But I'd still like to be his center of attraction, not other girls. He never seems to put any effort into making me feel attractive. Once and awhile I get a "you look nice" but that doesn't seem to be enough. I know I already have a low self esteem. I'm a mother of an 18 month old. Stretch marks and weight gain haven't helped the issue. But he never seems to make an effort to make me feel any better. This girl issue is really hurting how I view myself and our relationship.
I just feel so bad about myself because I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. It really sucks.
I know he really loves me.
Am I just overreacting?
Are all guys like this?
What can I do to feel better about me and better about us?
TIA!

What you are going to have to decide, given his actions, is if you would be able to handle his being this way enough to marry him and have to deal with it forever. I dont think that you would find that easy, or that you should just 'deal with it'. Honey, you feel when he does this that you arent good enough, wondering just how you would 'rate' on his little system. Considering that he has you but still feels the need to act this immaturely and selfishly, you dont think you measure up at all. You dont deserve to feel that way, and I can tell you, that there are others that wouldnt do you that way.
BUT, those that do look just to look dont bring it to your attention, or are rude enough to make comments or blatant staring at the cost of the love they are supposed to value. His comments seem more assessing than just looking to me, and I think that is what you feel too which is why you are so hurt by his actions.
Clearly, your boyfriend has some issues. The fact that he was involved rather heavily in porn, (which is slowly decreasing) and keeps looking at other women in front of you, lets you know that his fantasy life is active. He must learn to respect you and your feelings and not to do this if you are to have a relationship in which you feel secure and cared for. In all relationships, both partners must learn about the other and do what they can to make the relationship a place for trust and growth. The fact that you do not feel good enough for him, however, has nothing to do with him. That is your own low self esteem talking. The deepest truth is that no other person can really make you feel good about yourself if you have strong negative self image. Get yourself to a therapist and work on your feelings about yourself. Discover what is causing this and remedy it. Find and focus upon that which is positive in you. Look for the best in yourself and act on that basis.
Sometimes when a woman has low self esteem she chooses a partner who is ot the best for her - she chooses someone who reinforces her problems and is not fully respectful, because that is what she thinks she deserves. As you feel better about yourself, you will see clearly what to do about this relationship, if it is truly suitable and healthy for you, and if he is really willing to do the work on himself that is required to make things good.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
By Rinatta Paries
The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.
There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.
If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.
Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.
Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Man/Woman Watching
Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Romantic Contact From Other People
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?
I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.
If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.
You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.
6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.
If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.
7. 'It's All Your Fault'
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.
However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?
You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.
Carrie