I don't want it to end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
I don't want it to end...
9
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 8:25pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. Our relationship has had its bumps but we always came out on top. Lately we cannot stop fighting. We have talked about it and we both want it to stop and we both want to be together but for some reason we just cant stop fighting!

I have talked to him about it many times asking what is wrong and why he is being so distant but he just keeps telling me he doesn't know. I feel like I am trying to fix it and he is just living. He keeps assuring me that he is in love with me and that he is just going through something and he doesn't know how to explain it.

I spoke to him today and I told him that if it doesn't stop I am done. I cant handle it anymore, I am upset all the time, we fight about the most stupid things. I feel like I am trying to fix it, that I am trying to get where we used to be and he is a brick wall.
I love him more than anything, he is my best friend; even thinking of life without him makes me want to cry. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that he is just going through something but he doesn't know what it is. We both agreed that we want to work on it and we are going to put the effort in.

How can I help him? What should I do? I don't want to loose him and know he doesn't want it to end either but we cant keep going like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 8:50pm

Inlove,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 9:07pm

I know I have a part in the fighting as well. I think I have just become so sensitive that anything will upset me, I get upset then he gets mad that I am upset and there we go. Like last night we argued because we were in bed getting ready to sleep and he was on his iphone and I said "good night" and he said nothing, so I said it again like 5 minutes later and he said nothing. So I got upset, I felt like he was ignoring me; we started to fight so I just got up and slept on the couch. Things like that...

We "made up" today, we had a serous talk about breaking up but we both decided that that is not something we want. He held me and kissed me and I know how much he loves me, I can feel it.

We just have to stop sweating the small stuff. I need to not be so damn sensitive but he needs to show me his love more. I told him that so we will see if he does...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 9:50pm

One thing you have to be very careful of is having "unproductive" fights. These are the bs agruments about him not calling you until 5:15 when he said he would call you at 5 whne he got off work. Or him not paying enough attention to you - so you don't return his calls all day because your pist now. I made these mistakes in my relationship and now things are so muddy and misbalanced that I'm not so sure that my boyfriend and I are going to make it. We as women forget sometimes that men are men; they operate on a much lower emotional threshold then we do. They say things without thinking about the 22 different ways that they can interpret things. My boyfriend is one of the simplest men that I have ever met... not intellectually, but emotionally. If he tells me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday that he loves me before we go to bed, but forgets on thursday or just says "sweet dreams"....he doesn't think that means he loves me any less. But I used to take little things like that and run around in my head with them....'why didn't he tell me today....what's wrong now... he's not even spooning me WTF?!?!" and now I'm pist and he has no idea....and you know the worst part. WOMEN DON"T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT UPSET THEM WHEN THEY UPSET THEM. We wait until the next morning when we're still mad over what he didn't say..... or we wait until when we get off from work to see if he asks us what's wrong... and now he didn't so we're mad about that too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 11:39pm

Yep, you're right, you are fighting over stupid stuff.


You know, my hubby and I have been together for 16 years and never bicker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 11:05am
How old are you both? Your hormones could be acting funny, some medication you are taking could be affecting your moods.Check on that before taking the blame on 'you'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 3:03pm

Welcome to the board inlove57,


::How can I help him? What should I do?


Help him with what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 6:41pm

You are exactly right. I have got to stop sweating the small stuff... he just used to spoil me with love... when he came home he would get this cute little smile on and run over and scoop me up. Yeah, not anymore, I miss that! I think I just feel neglected and I fight as a reaction to it. I need attention! I miss being his infatuation. Its all about moving in together, we practically lived together before but now that we do it all went out the door. I know I sound needy but from the day he met me he has been giving me googly eyes, always have to touch me, hold my hand, hold me, give me all this attention and now he doesn't do that anymore.

So yes, I am ultra sensitive and I snap quickly. I know he still love me just as much as he did I just hate the way we are now.

He keeps telling me he is fine but i dont understand the change...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 8:58pm
How about counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 9:24pm

I know exactly how you feel darlin'. You are right where I was about 9 months ago. My boyfriend when we first got together (and we started living together right away...seriously it was like 1 week later) used to be so different. He used to call me when I was at work and tell me that his heart hurt because we had been away from each other so long and he just wanted me to come home. He'd cut my chicken up into pieces for me when he made me dinner at night. I was very spoiled when it came to things like that. But the thing that made me NEED more attention was the fact that my boyfriend has a lot of "female friends" and I hate them all. Most of them are co-workers of his...and ex girlfriends...see my problem. So, we would argue about them. 'Why is she calling you again...Why were you hanging out with her at work....What do you care if she's upset...' So, without even knowing I was pretty much not appreciating all the attention I was getting and it slowly stopped. He started to not automatically hold my hand and not call me in the middle of the day to say I love you....and when I asked him about it...he said..." Well, I can never tell what kind of a mood you are going to be in and I am tired of arguing." You just have to pick your battles. Men don't mean to be inconsistent I think....but after awhile the honeymoon ends...and their ways of showering us with attention change. I'm not saying that you have to suck it up and stop complaining if he is being a jerk, but you have to learn how to filter what they say sometimes