I ended it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
I ended it
12
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:12am
Hello everyone. Well as you may recall I had some serious problems with my b/f of one year. His relationship with his ex was a massive problem adn you gave me fantastic advice re this. Then there were lots of other problems, he was emotionally abusive, always broke, etc etc.

So I ended it on Friday and felt relief. In fact I feel a lot happier. But, naturally, there's a part of me that feels sad. I am very independent, run my own successful business, etc etc. But I'm getting to that stage of life (38 y/o) where I want to be in a good relationship and get married, have children etc. But now I wonder if it will happen. It just seems so elusive. And I'm feeling rather despondent that there are any good relationships out there. I know what I want in a relationship, so I guess that's a start. I was single for a very long time before I met him and I was so in love with him. It was really hard ending it and I put it off until I was very sure.

So how come it hurts and why do I feel so bad? Maybe I should have tried harder? I don't know. I did the right thing didn't I? It's no good staying in a bad relaitonship, right? I shoudl have got out sooner? Any reassurance would be most welcome.

Louise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: louconv
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:16pm
Louise, honey, this guy is lying to you. You can not believe what he's telling you. You must stop talking to him. He's only saying these things to hurt you. He's trying to punish you for leaving him.

Sweetie, you can do so much better than this looser, really you can. All he's doen is used and abused you and you are absolutely right to say "enough is enough". A real loveing relationship is give and take. It's an equal partnership, not one person getting all the perks and the other making all the payments (and I don't mean just money)

Do not be afraid to face anyone. My stbx told me the same things this guy is telling you and guess what? When we finally split, I was truely amazed at the number of people who said stuff like, "It's about time" and "I can't believe you put up with that treatment for as long as you did"

Louise, stop talking to him. Stop letting him lie to you and put you down. He is not good enough. It hurts right now, that's for sure, because of all you've invested in this dream. You will never have your dream come true with this guy because it's all about him. It's all about him getting what he wants, no matter what it does to you, your heart or your soul.

Counseling is not a bad idea. You sound so very depressed and confused. The confusion is part of the conditioning that the abuser uses to keep us under their thumb. Please come over to the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse board. Just read some of the posts. You'll see that you are not alone in what you are feeling. You'll see that it is not you with the problem.

Hugs to you, my friend. Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: louconv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:00pm
well i just ended a relationship of a year and now i have met someone else ( re the message i just posted go figure right... just started and now there is a problem). anyway, i think that as women we tend to second guess ourselves way too much. i have been tryin to really rely on my instincts because they are usually never wrong. you ended the relationship becuase it wasn't growing and there was no benefit for you. If you would have stayed you would have constantly wondered about getting out and if this was going to be the way the rest of your life would be. you said yourself that you felt relief after you ended it. I felt the same way, then all of a suddent i kept thinking inth eback of my mind.. hmm maybe i shouldn't have done that and i think i felt for him more than i thought. i think that you and i will just have to realize that we broke up with them because it wasn't working out to our best benefit and this is for the better. I read abook by iyanna vanzant call " inthe meantime" and she says that you can love someone but it doesn't mean you have to be with them to love them. you can love from a distance. MY mom always says don't have pity on a man who isn't doing anything for you, that is how you get sucked back into a relationship that isn't going anywhere. geez i wish i could think like this for my current situations. the truth is sometimes what you learn is after everything is said and done so we shall see. i hope that you start feeling better and realize that you may be better off with him not in your life.

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