I Feel Like My Husband Is Playing Me
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|Fri, 08-23-2013 - 2:40pm|
Hoping to get some sound advice and opinions. I feel like a complete idiot. I am just shy of my 1 year wedding anniversary. I had been single for close to 15 years, dated a bit and was in a relationship or 2, but never thought I would remarry. Then I met my husband. He absolutely swept me off my feet and I fell totally in love. My teenage daughter loved him and viewed him as her father (she doesn't see her real dad). I had never felt this way before. He came with a pretty interesting past - 4 ex-wives, 3 children he doesn't see and a couple of other things. He was very upfront with me about his past, admitting he married for the wrong reasons, made mistakes and always took full blame. His family corroborated his story in total detail and said they just wished he would find true love and be appreciated for the kind man he is. He also told me that he had an affair while married to his 3rd wife. For the first time in my life, I decided not to be judgemental. We all have baggage and have made mistakes, etc. and he had done nothing but be kind and loving to me and my daughter. I wanted to base my decision on MY relationship with him and not his past.
Fast forward to today. I feel like he totally mis-represented himself to me. He doesn't work. He's an ex-contractor and "entrapenuer" who is always trying new business ventures. Other than our mortgage I pay for EVERYTHING. Yet, he finds the money to spend on himself. Sex has completely changed -- he hasn't gone down on me in almost a year (he used to all the time!!), and sex lasts only 5 minutes, never involves any kissing or looking into my eyes and is always from behind. KY Jelly is my only foreplay.
But, the most hurtful thing happened about 2 months ago. I felt an overwhelming urge to check his email. I discovered that he answered 2 personal ads on Craigslist (1 was a "Casual Encounters" ad and the other a "Strictly Platonic" ad). Neither was sexual in content, but I think someone was looking for a contractor to "help her" around the house. Could he be that naive? When I confronted him, he said he had no intention of doing anything and was just curious. He said he was looking to "network" and even showed me a business networking ad he also placed on Craigslist. He had a lunch meeting lined up with a guy who responded to that ad. It all looked legit and I heard him on the phone with the guy. The next day I checked Craigslist again and I discovered that he also placed an ad in the "Strictly Platonic" section basically looking for a woman to help him pass the time during the day - coffee, lunch, dog park, etc. Again, nothing sexual, but not at all business-like or referencing the desire to business network. That was it for me. I viewed his lunch meeting with that guy to be the "decoy" meeting - so I wouldn't question when he planned other lunch meetings with women responding to his other ad. I packed my bags and left for a couple of days. My daughter was devastated and moved out for 6 weeks. :(
He spent those days apologizing and telling me that he had no intention of doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. In the course of talking things out, he not only admitted to having an affair when married to his 3rd wife, but also when married to his 4th wife and while living with the girlfriend before me. So he cheated on 3 different women! Again, he took responsibility and said it was no excuse, but he just didn't love them. He claims to be totally in love with me, btw. I decided to give him one more chance since there was no evidence of cheating. I've had days where it's really hard for me to trust him. But, instead of doing everything in his power to reassure me, he changed his email password and I don't know his Facebook password. He says I can look at them anytime I want, just to ask him to pull it up. He knows all of my passwords, my bank account info, etc. I think it makes me accountable to him and our marriage. He doesn't agree.
I feel so stupid and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. With the exception of the awful sex and no deep kisses, he is loving and affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. I'm just heartbroken that I waited so long to re-marry and that I'm unhappy when it should still feel new and exciting. Just wanted some honest opinions...
Sorry this is so long.