I feel sick :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
I feel sick :o(
15
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 8:19am

Hi everyone,

years ago I was in an emotional abusive relationship for 8 years, apart from calling me names, telling me my family don't love me etc, my ex used to masterbates in to socks and leave them there for me to find, it was constant, it was soul destroying for me. . . The last straw. 

that relationship ended as I broke free.

im now with another man, been together for 3 years, we make love very often, but now, the same thing is happening to me :o( I'm now finding socks with semen on them. I even told how it broke me when my ex did it to me. . . . And now he's doing it, I'm finding them by our bed...or just casually on the floor laying around.

im broken, it's not the fact that he masterbates, it's the fact that he knows what it's done to me in the past, and that he's just leaving these things laying around the bedroom For me to find.

How ow would you feel? 

because I feel hurt, sick, angry, at a loss :o(

Gem x 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 8:12pm

Gemm, its not a contest of "who has more reason or a better reason to be resentful", its a question of whether or not he feels resentful. Several of the people who responded to you think that he feels resentful because he has found himself in a situation that he may longer want to be in. Maybe he feels trapped. The fact that much of it was of his own doing doesn't change whether he's resentful. I think that his age could have a lot to do with it. Many young men are still kids at 20, 21. They think they are mature adults and they may try to go through the motions of what they think seems adult, but that doesn't mean they are there emotionally. He could have made some choices at that age that he later realized were no longer what he wanted for himself. Nobody is defending him or excusing him. Even if he is resentful about being responsible for a child for the next 17+ years he still has to step up and be the best dad that he can.

You are correct that you have plenty to be resentful about. And the fact that you have been so patient and supportive and understanding probably makes him feel worse about the relationship because he is being such a cad and he knows it. You were probably much more mature at 23 than he is, and at 30 you are light-years ahead of him because of what you have had to endure.

Maybe we are all wrong, but we're only hearing the parts of the story that you wish to share and its all from your perspective, not his. But we are impartial and just telling you what we think from what you have told. Unfortunately what we are saying doesn't sound good for the longevity of your relationship and its understandable if you don't want to hear that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 11:11am

Sorry Juliasuk, I disagree completely. 

Why should he be resentful for? For having someone who stands by him no matter what, for someone who loves him with everything she has, for supporting him financially for the past two years, for supporting him getting back in to work recently? For standing by him after he's lied to me, chatted up other girls on the internet, masterbating and leaving socks around, leaving me whenever he feels like, all the while, I'm the one left holding the baby and holding everything together. If anyone should be resentful, it should be me. For putting up with so much and never, ever getting anything in return. So what, he's young, he's not the only young parent out there, and I'm pretty sure there are young parents who do a wonderful job and don't feel resentful for it. Resent me for being Ill? I take care of myself, always have. I'm independent, and always had to be. I just wanted a bit of help, the way it should be in a relationship. 50/50. I became a mother at  23 and I done just fine.  We are on the verge of going our seperate ways because I've had it with the lies and everything else. You can only push someone too far before they have enough. I've been pushed to much. I'll bring up my children the best I can, with self respect, a role model for my daughter and son. To show them that their mother didn't take any nonsense, to show them that they don't have to put up with getting disrespected & lied to that they can do anything and be independent and happy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 6:21am

Gemm, he is resenting you for the fact that he is a father to two children and a sometimes carer to his partner at the age of 23. I remember  your last post on this, and I responded to you then. You cannot expect a 23 y old boy to live a life of work, caregiving, responsibility for children and committment, without a trace of freedom or youthful fun. I'd be resentful if I were him, and I'm 43.

I do not think this r-ship will last long term, and I don't think there's anything you can do, I'm afraid. Like I said in my previous post, 23 and 30 doesn't work even if there are no kids or caregiving issues. Wish you all the best anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 12:37pm

He was only about 20 when you got together, and not much older when you got pregnant. Possibly he didn't realize the commitment he was making. Or as he has grown up a bit he feels differently about some things which is normal for young adults. Not to say that he should get a pass on his responsibilities, he will be a father forever to his dd. But love relationships can change when people change.

Can you and he get some couples counseling? Leaving the evidence of his masturbation in the same way the ex did it seems more than a coincidence. You need to find out what he is trying to say with that action, and how the issue can be addressed. If he won't speak with you directly at home then maybe a counselor can guide a conversation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Gemmn
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 12:34pm

I went back and looked at your other posts........and you referred to this guy as your "caregiver".  Are you on some kind of "disability" income that provides the "caregiver"?  If not, have you checked with Government Social Services about getting someone who will help you, without being in a relationship with you?  I'm sure you feel less than a perfect woman because of your RA, that would be natural, but at the same time, you have picked two men in a row who are emotionally abusive.......which says you think this is all you deserve.  You say you're disabled, but you're picking up dirty clothing and doing laundry.  What exactly is it that you need a "caregiver" for?  It sounds like he's using you for sex more than he's  taking care of you.  Find out some sort of social agency that will provide you with REAL help.  Make it a female that won't take advantage of you.  It's nice to have a relationship, a GOOD relationship.  A bad relationship such as you have is ten times worse than no relationship at all. 

PS:  A male poster (it seems) above has commented that using socks for this purpose is natural.  No, it's disgusting.  Natural is using the bathroom, a washcloth with soap and water, and then depositing the washcloth into the dirty clothing hamper. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 10:20am
Sorry, but just because he was aware of everything before,doesn't make it easy to accept the situation. He might be regretting his decision.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 2:53am

Has it occurred to anyone that socks are the perfect masterbatory tool as there is no mess to clean up?   Just tell him that leaving dirty socks on the floor is annoying.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 3:55pm

I have no idea, he was happy to become a dad, knew I had an illness when we got together, I was totally upfront about it, I'm a very positive person with regards to my illness, I don't expect much from him, I really don't know guys,. . :o( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 3:14pm

Two different guys using the sock sounds weird, I never knew a guy who used socks for that purpose. I wonder if your bf is using the socks because he heard the story about the ex? His behavior sounds rather passive-aggressive but that fits in with some of the things from your previous posts.

What could he be resentful about? Maybe that he's only 23 and is already a father and stepfather, with a homebound gf with a lot of health issues, maybe the sole provider for the family. Until recently also your caregiver so he was likely feeling "on duty" 24/7 even if in reality he wasn't doing it that much. Meanwhile his friends seem free by comparison. Yes he should be willing to discuss with you whatever the problem is.

Why are you picking up his clothes off the floor? Even if your arrangement is that you wash the laundry he should be putting his own dirty things in the hamper. Leave his socks on the floor and let him deal with them. Maybe if he doesn't get a reaction from you he will stop doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 2:15pm

Well maybe you may be on to something, as far as I can think though, I really wouldn't be able to guess if he is resenting me for something, I'd rather he'd just talk to me instead of this, you know what the worst part of it is....is that he's doing his 'business' like into a tissue or something I'm guessing...but then he goes and gets a sock for the 'clean-up', then just leaving them around. Ive been here before and there's no mistake in what it is :o( 

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