I feel smothered, how to get personal space?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
I feel smothered, how to get personal space?
10
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 11:27am

I have been dating my boyfriend almost 3 months now and we are also living together. Yes, I know, that might have been a bit fast but that is another story, but bottom line we

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 1:26pm

Welcome back, gingerpie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 1:46pm

You may think that it is "another story" that you moved in together before you had been dating only three months, but when you say "I am crazy about him" you have to realize that the operative word there is "crazy".

You don't know him yet. I don't know why you are so hellbent on putting a COMMITMENT (the mindset of "I need to stay with him no matter what") before true COMPATIBILITY.

It's more than "a bit fast" it is "way too fast". There are consequences of taking risks like this, one of those consequences is a relationship not working out even though you allowed yourself to get insanely attached to it.

Relationships don't work out because you desperately want them to. They work because two people fit well together.

"spending this much time together could not be healthy."

You are right. At this point it would make a lot of sense to make a list of things in this relationship that could be unhealthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 3:28pm

How about just coming right out & saying what you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 4:31pm

I agree with Musiclover on all points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 12:22am

There are so many things wrong in your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 10:11am

If there is one thing I have learned about love, is that there are no hard and fast rules. I knew my ex fiancé 3 years before we moved in and after one month I knew the relationship had to end. I do not have this feeling about him, chemistry can not be explained. He is recently divorced, but has been separated for 2 years and has had dated during this time. He’s a little clingy, but he always told me, just tell me where you want me to draw the line, tell me your feelings, so the problem lies more with myself than him. I am horrible at communication and always trying to accommodate others, and then wonder why I am unhappy at times. I do want a future with him, we just need balance, like everything. I might have jumped the gun with living together, but he did say he will move out if I want him to. Honestly, I would miss him too much, I just want us to have a healthy amount of time apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 11:28am

Ok, you recognize that YOU have a communication problem.......and if you want space, then you HAVE TO ASK FOR IT!!!!

I just don't understand how a woman can live with a man, can get naked with a man, have sex with him, and yet cannot say "You are too clingy"..........particularly since he KNOWS that's a problem, and has told you that you need to tell him if this happens.

Lousy communication and trying to accomodate others........translates to lack of self respect and lack of confidence in yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 4:03pm

Ginger, I moved in with my hubby of nearly 20 years when we'd only known each other for 3 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 6:52pm

My gf would smother me if I let her. I just tell her when I need my 'alone time' and don't give her a choice.

The strange thing about it is afterward, she is grateful for the time we spent apart but will once again, object to the next one I propose... less and less as time goes on but still... sorta funny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 10:50am
Holy canoli! That is a lot of time together. But here is the thing, you need to express how you feel and not be afraid of telling him what you want. There are ways to do this without making him feel sensitive about it. Everyone needs personal down time...I know I do!

Just approach him in a very calm non-threatening manner and start the conversation by telling him that love him to bits, but you need to have time to yourself to recharge. Then add in a compromise, like working out together one day a week. Take small steps and slowly get him used to the both of you having personal time.

However, before you discuss this with him, I think you need to talk to him about your fear of hurting his feelings. That is the "bigger" issue and if you don't resolve it now, it will have a negative ripple effect on your relationship. Talk to him and tell him honestly that you are afraid to communicate your needs because you fear it will hurt his feelings. It could be all in your head and there is no way of knowing unless you tell him. He will probably be relieved and tell you there is nothing to fear. In fact, his sensitive reaction may be that he senses you are uncomfortable expessing your needs. Sensitive people pick up on other peoples vibes very easily and their reaction is more about your discomfort rather than their own. If this is the case, he needs to learn how to calm your fears so you can express yourself.

Hope this helps! :)