I feel unimportant to him
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I feel unimportant to him
| Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:48pm |
My boyfriend doesn't stare at other women or anything, and I am sure he's faithful to me, but he talks about the things other women do during sex and other women's, um, physical attributes and compares that to me, like during and right after we have sex! He claims he's making a generalization based on what his guy friends and women friends have told him, and not based on his own sexual past. True, he does not always cite specific examples, but I still find it insulting and it makes me feel very unimportant. He should be holding me and focusing on us, not telling me that I do it the same way most girls do it. He also makes it a point to tell me if he thinks my friends are pretty and even hot, and has to tell me every time some girl has hit on him or asked him out. It feels like I've been stabbed in the gut every time he says something like this and I have to wonder - is he trying to make me jealous? I tried to talk to him about it and he told me I was being oversensitive. I think that I am pretty secure and am just trying to set a boundary. I wasn't mean or blaming, I used "I" language and I told him that I didn't think he was meaning to hurt me, it's not the end of the world, and I care about him, but my feelings get hurt when he talks about stuff like that. Is it too much to think that if he cared about me, he'd curb talk like that after hearing that it hurts me?

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As far as you son is concerned, he will be better off it you end this NOW before he gets too attached. It also isn't healthy for him to see a guy who makes fun of you, even if he says he's just "joking". It's not funny.
YOu've given him a chance already and he returned to his old behavior, all inside of 3 months. He's returning to his old behavior, because this is him. It's his personality and he will ALWAYS return to this behavior. I'd leave him NOW and don't look back.
You deserve MUCH better than this, and until you truly believe it, and adopt a ZERO TOLERANCE policy, you will end up in codependent relationships, with WELCOME stamped on your forehead.
Whatever it was, it was not worth it. You can stay and try and make it work but I fear you will be emotionally damaged by his putdowns.
And let me tell you that men can really make children fall in love with them in order to sleep with thier mom.
He is full of crap to be so mean to you. Leave him.
what a pig! hon - this is not about YOU this is about HIM. doesn't matter if you are dating for three months or 30 years, this is UNACCEPTABLE.
he is not trying to make you feel jealous - he is trying to make HIMSELF feel better about himself.
Think about this carefully. What did you tolerate in your last relationship that ultimately led to physical abuse? Probably much of the same treatment. You can tell him til you're blue in the face that you won't tolerate this behavior, but as long as you're with him, you ARE tolerating it. And in the course of the relationship, you're allowing your son to get more and more attached, thus making it that much more difficult for him once you figure out that this treatment is abuse and you decide to leave.
If he's treating you this way after 3 months, what do you think he'll be like after a year once the infatuation wears off? Most guys that I've been with are still on their absolute best behavior at 3 months. If this is his "best behavior", think about what his "true colors will reveal? Scary!
From someone who has been in many a co-dependent relationship, I can say that I believe part of the problem is that you will pretty much put up with anything, so long as your feeling "loved" and feeling like you can make his life better. You haven't established strict boundaries regarding what you will and will not accept, with the exception of hitting. I think you need to broaden your "will not tolerate" list to include name calling, insults, demeaning comments (such as talking about other women during sex, UGH!), things to that effect. And by establishing boundaries, you don't give warnings or explanations or try to prove that his behavior is wrong (he doesn't think it is or he wouldn't do it) you leave. That's it. You leave. It can actually be a VERY empowering thing to look back and say "He treated me badly, but *I* put a stop to it!"
These men are also VERY good at turning things around on you. Like blaming you for getting upset. Being sarcastic and acting like "oooo, queenmary is sensitive..i'd better be careful!" or by being self-depracating, such as saying "Oh, well I guess I'm just not good enough for anyone, you probably don't even want to be with me", prompting you to defend yourself and say "No, it's not you, I love you, you're good enough, loving enough, etc." They are insensitive and insecure and they *need* you to reassure them that they are good enough. He's not. Realize that YOU are better than this, and you can break this pattern.
Best of luck to you.
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