I feel unimportant to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
I feel unimportant to him
13
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:48pm
My boyfriend doesn't stare at other women or anything, and I am sure he's faithful to me, but he talks about the things other women do during sex and other women's, um, physical attributes and compares that to me, like during and right after we have sex! He claims he's making a generalization based on what his guy friends and women friends have told him, and not based on his own sexual past. True, he does not always cite specific examples, but I still find it insulting and it makes me feel very unimportant. He should be holding me and focusing on us, not telling me that I do it the same way most girls do it. He also makes it a point to tell me if he thinks my friends are pretty and even hot, and has to tell me every time some girl has hit on him or asked him out. It feels like I've been stabbed in the gut every time he says something like this and I have to wonder - is he trying to make me jealous? I tried to talk to him about it and he told me I was being oversensitive. I think that I am pretty secure and am just trying to set a boundary. I wasn't mean or blaming, I used "I" language and I told him that I didn't think he was meaning to hurt me, it's not the end of the world, and I care about him, but my feelings get hurt when he talks about stuff like that. Is it too much to think that if he cared about me, he'd curb talk like that after hearing that it hurts me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 6:29pm
Your boyfriend sounds like a boor and a lout. Its just plain rude to compare one's SO to anyone else. He has no tact or diplomacy. Lose him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 6:51pm
I agree that he can be hurtful, but he says he never means it. There are ways that he makes me feel good. If I ever get that stabbing pain in my gut again, though, I will have to seriously tell him we need time apart. This is the second time in our 3 month relationship I have told him that I am hurt by these things. The first time he did stop for a while, but only after making me feel like I was high maintenance for even requesting that he keep those things to himself. What is it about some men that they try every trick to remain blameless and to invalidate womens' feelings? I know this: he is very insecure and immature. I am a strong and attractive woman, older than he and more successful, I have more friends, etc. so I think he is trying to bring me down a notch so he doesn't feel outdone. I have already invested so much in him, and my four year old son is totally in love with him. I didn't intend for him to meet my son so soon (my mom brought my son by when she was supposed to be babysitting and they hit it off), so now I am hesitant to just give him the old heave-ho without giving him a chance to redeem himself. This is like my test to see if I can set a healthy baseline standard without turning into a resentful doormat like my last relationship which was nine years of co-dependent hell.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 8:44pm
3 months???? You've been with him 3 months and he's treating you this way?? Not to mention the making fun of you for your clothes thing that you mentioned below, this guy sounds like an idiot. I'm sure he makes you feel good in ways too, but think about that past co-dependent relationship. You must've learned *something* about that relationship. Part of that should've been why YOU put up with this kind of treatment. You are headed for the same thing very quickly if you don't end this now. He doesn't mean it? WHo cares!! He *says* it and that's enough. If he hit you and said he didn't mean it, would that be ok?

As far as you son is concerned, he will be better off it you end this NOW before he gets too attached. It also isn't healthy for him to see a guy who makes fun of you, even if he says he's just "joking". It's not funny.

YOu've given him a chance already and he returned to his old behavior, all inside of 3 months. He's returning to his old behavior, because this is him. It's his personality and he will ALWAYS return to this behavior. I'd leave him NOW and don't look back.

You deserve MUCH better than this, and until you truly believe it, and adopt a ZERO TOLERANCE policy, you will end up in codependent relationships, with WELCOME stamped on your forehead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 8:57pm
You feel you invested so much in him now that you cannot let him go. So what all did you invest in him in three months? Money? Time? Sex?

Whatever it was, it was not worth it. You can stay and try and make it work but I fear you will be emotionally damaged by his putdowns.

And let me tell you that men can really make children fall in love with them in order to sleep with thier mom.

He is full of crap to be so mean to you. Leave him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:00pm
honey, your man is a pig. that is not normal behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 2:22am

what a pig! hon - this is not about YOU this is about HIM. doesn't matter if you are dating for three months or 30 years, this is UNACCEPTABLE.


he is not trying to make you feel jealous - he is trying to make HIMSELF feel better about himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 3:34am
All of this advice is very helpful even though I am still not ready to make a decision. I would not tolerate hitting, though. That, among other things, was the breaking point of my marriage that I ended two years ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 3:53am
I haven't invested any money in him. I guess just the time, and knowing and liking most of his circle of friends, and him befriending my son. The sex isn't really an investment because to me sex and love are separate things. It's really good, but I have lived without it before. Just having someone next to me at night is something I would miss, though. I hate to think of the loss my son will feel if I break up w/him, because he is too young to understand things like what my b/f is doing to me. I want to make it work but I can only work on my end of it. I don't think there's much more I can do but to tell him every time I hear these things, it hurts my feelings and that's not really doing the trick.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:13am
I just don't get it. What are your reasons for staying with him? I seriously think you need some counseling because this is damaging and unhealthy. Your son may be too young to understand, but he's not too young to learn. He's learning to NOT respect mom. I just don't understand how you can stay with a guy who obviously has NO respect for you. Like I said, you are repeating a dangerous pattern. YOU are, not him. He's an idiot, but you are making a concious decision to stay with a guy who treats you like crap after only 3 months. Actually, less than that if you've already complained, he's improved, and subsequently deteriorated.

Think about this carefully. What did you tolerate in your last relationship that ultimately led to physical abuse? Probably much of the same treatment. You can tell him til you're blue in the face that you won't tolerate this behavior, but as long as you're with him, you ARE tolerating it. And in the course of the relationship, you're allowing your son to get more and more attached, thus making it that much more difficult for him once you figure out that this treatment is abuse and you decide to leave.

If he's treating you this way after 3 months, what do you think he'll be like after a year once the infatuation wears off? Most guys that I've been with are still on their absolute best behavior at 3 months. If this is his "best behavior", think about what his "true colors will reveal? Scary!

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:39am
Ok, now that I've calmed down...some legitimate advice.

From someone who has been in many a co-dependent relationship, I can say that I believe part of the problem is that you will pretty much put up with anything, so long as your feeling "loved" and feeling like you can make his life better. You haven't established strict boundaries regarding what you will and will not accept, with the exception of hitting. I think you need to broaden your "will not tolerate" list to include name calling, insults, demeaning comments (such as talking about other women during sex, UGH!), things to that effect. And by establishing boundaries, you don't give warnings or explanations or try to prove that his behavior is wrong (he doesn't think it is or he wouldn't do it) you leave. That's it. You leave. It can actually be a VERY empowering thing to look back and say "He treated me badly, but *I* put a stop to it!"

These men are also VERY good at turning things around on you. Like blaming you for getting upset. Being sarcastic and acting like "oooo, queenmary is sensitive..i'd better be careful!" or by being self-depracating, such as saying "Oh, well I guess I'm just not good enough for anyone, you probably don't even want to be with me", prompting you to defend yourself and say "No, it's not you, I love you, you're good enough, loving enough, etc." They are insensitive and insecure and they *need* you to reassure them that they are good enough. He's not. Realize that YOU are better than this, and you can break this pattern.

Best of luck to you.

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