I feel unimportant to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
I feel unimportant to him
13
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:48pm
My boyfriend doesn't stare at other women or anything, and I am sure he's faithful to me, but he talks about the things other women do during sex and other women's, um, physical attributes and compares that to me, like during and right after we have sex! He claims he's making a generalization based on what his guy friends and women friends have told him, and not based on his own sexual past. True, he does not always cite specific examples, but I still find it insulting and it makes me feel very unimportant. He should be holding me and focusing on us, not telling me that I do it the same way most girls do it. He also makes it a point to tell me if he thinks my friends are pretty and even hot, and has to tell me every time some girl has hit on him or asked him out. It feels like I've been stabbed in the gut every time he says something like this and I have to wonder - is he trying to make me jealous? I tried to talk to him about it and he told me I was being oversensitive. I think that I am pretty secure and am just trying to set a boundary. I wasn't mean or blaming, I used "I" language and I told him that I didn't think he was meaning to hurt me, it's not the end of the world, and I care about him, but my feelings get hurt when he talks about stuff like that. Is it too much to think that if he cared about me, he'd curb talk like that after hearing that it hurts me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:24pm
I guess I don't have any reasons for staying, other than the stupid hope that he might change because he cares about me - which when I write that out and re-read that sounds pretty pathetic. This is my first serious relationship since a 9 year marriage that ended two years ago. I guess I was just hoping that this guy would be different since I picked him and didn't wait for him to come to me, which is how I have always ended up with losers in the past. He just seemed so confident, unobstructed, and together, when I first met him. He was charming and so interested in something serious and real, and I was like - finally! Someone who isn't just after sex. We even waited a month and a half to do anything sexual, that's how much he supposedly wanted this to work. I am so sad to find out he's got a dark side that he won't even own up to. I don't ever want to be a resentful door mat, ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:31pm
I tolerated way too much in my marriage to a passive-aggressive, double-talking weasel. I ended up becoming a resentful doormat who processed things way too slowly so that by the time I had the courage to speak up or was able to understand what had happened and articulate my feelings about it, my ex would blow me off and totally devalue my feelings. His favorite thing to do was to accuse me of being crazy. That's why it was such a big step for me to set boundaries with this new guy - I was terrified but if I was ever going to be in a healthy relationship I had to learn how. And then, he had the nerve to try and render himself blameless and simultaneously invalidate my feelings by claiming I was being oversensitive. That burns me more than all the inappropriate sex talk and him making fun of me.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:53pm
I hear you. You're not oversensitive. If you're sensitive at all, it's a *good* quality to have, not a bad one. It means you care about people's feelings, and your own. He obviously doesn't.

I'm so sorry this is happening. I know what you mean about hoping he'll change. He probably will, only it won't be for the better. This is a major reason to take things veerrrrry slowly and be wary of anyone who wants to get serious quickly. Take your time and get to know the next guy. It takes at least 6 months for someone to show their true colors, so before that time, you really don't know them. And if they want to get serious very quickly, it's a red flag because *they* don't know *you* yet.

I know all of this makes you feel that you've failed, but you haven't. YOu just haven't found the right guy yet.

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