I feel useless

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2011
I feel useless
14
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 5:19am

I feel useless in my marriage. My husband has his own

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: anka31
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 7:04am

Anka, you sound very sad and disillusioned in your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: anka31
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:45am

I would suggest some counseling--first of all for you, since you said that you don't like yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: anka31
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 11:42am

Hmm. You have an interesting role in this family. Father and son have their work cut out for them and you are left over with "miscellaneous house duties" that wouldn't really make a woman feel very good about herself in the year 2011, especially if, to her husband and son, she didn't feel up to par.

If they don't like your sandwiches (how can you not like a sandwich?) they can make their own. It takes less than five minutes.

You say your day to day life is "flexible". What do you do during your days? Can you fit in time to go to the gym or do some kind of exercise-related activity? What would make you feel more useful in your own life? Do you have any interests that you are pursuing? What about going back to school?

If my SO criticized my cooking the way yours does, I would no longer be making meals. "I only ask one thing of you" "well if I can't do it right, then stop complaining and hire a cook"

Your focus needs to be on finding some way to feel more worthy to yourself, and not just an auxiliary part of this family.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: anka31
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 3:21pm

It seems to me that you have no real purpose in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2011
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 4:34am
Hi Everyone, thank you for your replies. I am very sensitive to criticism. My mum always criticised me and never praised me for anything when I was young. My husband can be very harsh when he criticises and doesn't do it in a sensitive manner. I told him how his manner had upset me. He said he only commented that he didnt like it, and when i defended my choice he said i was making excuses. I had originally started to cook one of his favourite meals and changed it at the end to one of my sons favourite which he didn't particularly like. My husband is an old fashioned head of household. His work provides for everything. We have a fab social life, and he is very generous to me and our son. He does like to be put first when it comes to meals, which is not so bad, and both son and hubby usually like same thing. I always defend myself if I feel upset. I am quite a good cook, and he usually loves most of my meals. This incident was because I didn't put his meal preference first! He is actually a really good husband and father, and we laugh lots together. But his abrupt criticisms when he feels unappreciated cause friction. We talked about how we both felt, and I told him I understood how he felt, but his harsh angry manner upset me. If he had said it in a kinder way I wouldn't have been so defensive. I love him for all his good qualities, and take his not so good as part of package. I was having a bad image day too which didn't help. I feel fine about myself now, and think I'll get my Wii Zumba out, and start going for morning walks to get a bit fitter. I'm not really a gym person, I know that I would become bored with it. If me cooking nice meals for him, organising business admin and household is all he asks then I'm happy to do it, he makes me happy by providing for me and our son and he does spend a lot of quality time with us, holidays, weekends away, going for drives in the country, and we eat out most weekends. I do get paid from the business for my admin work, and my own part time business, it's not really a lot, but gives me independence, and I like to pay for some of our weekends away with it, although my husband sometimes gives it me back, but it makes me feel good to pay, so refuse to take it back. My husband had nothing when we met. I had good job and paid deposit on our first home, then had or son, gave up work, and supported him andI helped him build up the business. My job is to organise all the house admin, finances, as well as business admin. I also organise all our holidays and get to choose where we go. He can do what he is good at which is his work, and I do what I'm good at which is organising our homelife, and social life I am quite lucky really.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2011
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 4:37am
Sorry, just realised I've repeated myself a few times in my post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 8:16am

Hi;

I have read your posts and I feel like there is something missing??

Not to judge you but first you say your life is good and then

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 12:03pm

It sounds more like a 1950's type household here where the man is the primary breadwinner and the woman is the primary homemaker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 3:22pm

I know it hurts when people criticize our efforts, and I also know how it feels to be in a rut. I hope you start to feel revitalized in some ways. I really do.

Do you actually enjoy cooking? I don't know, maybe it's all a perspective thing. You can turn a frustrating situation into something much better...maybe put in effort to find some new cuisines. Surprise him with some new elaborate dishes...throw a kink in this situation. Freshen things up on the dinner table. I think he's perhaps in a rut too and really doesn't set out to hurt you. How about bookmark some diverse delicious looking recipes off of food.com (that's where I get a lot of mine!) and surprise them with something totally unlike you to cook. Just try it once to see if you act more creative and confident, and enjoy your role as the cook of the home, if that doesn't make a different impression on him. I think it might even make him not seem so hurtful when he puts in his "criticism" of the meal. Putting a little joy into the process can actually affect the outcome. It's true, it really is. :) I recently tried out several new dishes in my home, all kinds of diverse stuff my fam wouldn't normally think I'd whip up. Take control of the situation. Don't sit around and let him boo-hoo on you with his dull reaction to your meals.

Also, I believe that maybe your husband also feels that his life too revolves around you and both your son. I like to think that in families we are mutually dependent in good ways. Sometimes we get so frustrated in our own situation that it becomes harder to perspective-take. All of your feelings are totally valid, and I think you will find some ways to spruce things up in your life.

P.S. Don't feel guilty about posting on ivillage! :-) There are tons of ladies here and I don't think many of us feel extremely guilty about posting here :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: anka31
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 3:24pm

Ank,I replied to your first post before reading any of the thread(including your reply which I just now saw and am reading)...

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