I feel we need counseling....
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| Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:23am |
I've been married for what will be 9 years this summer. My husband is a non-traditional student at a local university. He has met A TON of people since going back to school but in the meantime, has exhibited some college kid behavior that has made me very uncomfortable. There hasn't been any infidelity (that I know of) but he has developed a realy close relationship with a girl who is beautiful, skinnier than me and is almost 10 years younger than us.
They call each other and email ALL the time and he is very flirtatious in his emails (saying "hey lovely") and even has a facebook site that they email back and forth on. This makes me rather uncomfortable but he insists they are only good friends and he has done nothing to make me untrustworthy. I guess the problem is, he sees this girl more than me since he's at school more than at home and when we are together, there is absolutely NO romance....I don't get called lovely and have to initiate any "I love yous." Also, he goes out every so often - let's say once/twice a month for a happy hour with this girl (not to mention weekly dinners before night class) and stays out until well past 1am....while I take care of our 2 year old son. I guess my question is...I have a lot of anger about this relationship and my husband doesn't want to discuss it since he believes there isn't an issue and it's just me.
Since our last argument about this (a day ago) he has locked his cell phone, changed all the passwords on his computer so I am totally shut down from what he does or if he has any contact with this girl. What should I do? I feel we need counseling but I'm worried that it might be too awkward and useless if my husband doesn't want to discuss this. Should I go first and see if I'm blowing this out of porportion? Any advice would be appreciated.


Welcome to the board memons,
I'm sorry you are going through this. Since it's really late and I need to go to sleep, I'm going to be very direct.
YOU are NOT over-reacting or blowing this out of proportion. He's having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR at the very least.
If you still doubt it, check out the stories here at another iVillage board -
Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs
ITA with our cl--your husband is on dangerous ground. Naturally he doesn't want to talk about it: he doesn't want to be wrong (although he knows he is) and he doesn't want to have to stop. Even if he thinks the problem is "just you," you're half of the marriage, so you're entitled to some input on this subject.
You can't do anything to MAKE him behave responsibly, so you have to decide what your breaking point is, and what you are going to do if you reach it. Then you have to tell your husband, so he'll be aware that his behavior is damaging something very important to both of you and absolutely essential to your son: your marriage, including your faith and trust in him.
While you are making up your mind about everything, you might go to the restaurant where the dinners take place, or to the building where he has class, and see what's going on. You could tell him that you just had an urge to see where he spent his time, and wanted to surprise him. Smile, be gracious and charming, greet everyone with a handshake, say, "Hi, I'm Memons, Student's wife." Goodness knows what he's told her about you, so it will do her good to learn that you're still in the picture, and do him good to be reminded that you can be unpredictable.
Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.
In your profile you list your favorite quote, and you name the source as "The Great Gatsby."
Actually, that quote is originally from Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" Act II, Scene VII.
I know, I know. I'm anal.
Hi there memons,
I partially agree with the other posters.
Your marriage is nearing a crisis point.
I think your husband is excessively flirtatious with this woman. To me, the indicator is if he would want you to be with him when he is with her. For example, if he were to go out and have a drink after classes with her, he would invite you to be there too.
In any event, he should stop spending time with this woman for no other reason than you asked him. (There's a balance here -- if you do not want him spendng time with anyone else, that's a problem.) It's reasonable for you to express your discomfort about his association with hot young girls. Men go to college too, and he can just as easily make men friends.
Since you have a young child, your life has been dominated by young child things. Your child is getting a little older. Do you have other things you can do? Its reasonable for you to spend time away from home doing things you enjoy, and your husband ought to support that. Your husband goes to dinner before classes and goes out after class. These are extra activities and are not required to attend class. So its reasonable that you get a similar opportunity to do the same.
What I would be worried about is if you want your husband to be your source of entertainment or distraction.
I noticed in your profile that your husband is military. Has he recently ended a deployment. Military staff returning from deployment exhibit a number of unpleasant behaviours for up to a year after returning home -- typically being very selfish, and this is normal!
I'm not a fan of the "emotional affair" label -- I think its a term that is over used. I tend to observe that when someone declases their spouse to be guilty of an emotional affair, the declaration grants the accuser license to ignore their part in a failing relationship and justifies why they should stop trying.
Its unfair of me to say that this is your experience, only you can determine this. But at least think upon this. Are you driving him away? On the other hand, he is bahaving selfishly, and from an empirical view, it seems like he's on his way to cheating.
If the two of you enter marriage counceling, the counceling is for both of you. If you think the point of counceling is to blame your husband, or get your husband fixed, marriage counceling is a waste of time.
Counceling will often have the individuals do some work alone. Perhaps you can get the ball rolling and get yourself started.
In the mean time,
My husband of 23 years began with the glorious computer and pornography over five years ago.