I found an incriminating email...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
I found an incriminating email...
13
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:16pm
Hi all, I'll try to keep this short.

For the past 3 months, my husband and I have been in therapy to work on our problems with our lack of intimacy in our marriage. I feel he is very closed off from me and seems to always have his mind on other things, like work, etc and not on "us". Sex began to dwindle to a few times a month right after we got married and the excuse was always that he was tired from work, so I let it slide thinking he wasn't really interested since we got along fine the rest of the time. Over the past 4 years, his lack of attention to me like noticing if I looked nice, or telling me he's attracted to me have also dwindled to nothing now. His mind is on other things. So this is why we started going to counseling as I'm terribly unhappy and feel very alone and unattractive.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, when I decided to check one of his old email accounts from work b/c I had a feeling that he was hiding something from me as we were not making progress in therapy and I couldn't figure out why. In his email box were several messages from other women. I clicked on only one that caught my eye, titled "Baby! Where are you?" In the email he had written a girl that he hadn't heard from in a few months and mentioned things like, "I miss you tremendously" and "I still fantasize about that ass of yours" and signed it in caps ALL MY LOVE. She responded with "I'll be in town soon and would love to meet up again if possible."

I immediatly confronted him about it and he first off denied it, then finally fessed up that it was a flirtation that had been going on for 5 years! Longer than we've been married! He claims that nothing has happened between them even though she's come to his work events on several occassions apparently to meet him. (he works in the media). I brought the issue up in therapy and am so upset by this email. I want to believe that he hasn't cheated or wouldn't, but now I have my doubts. I feel so disrespected by his actions and I'm moving towards a separation. Am I wrong or overreacting?

Any insight would be great. Thnx!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:20pm
No, you are not over-reacting.... what was said in therapy?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:58pm
You are definitely not over-reacting. You've been deceived the entire length of your marriage (and longer?). You always knew his mind was on other things, now you have a clearer understanding of just what those things might be. You must feel like he is a stranger to you by now -- the years of drifting apart capped off by this huge deception coming to light. It's only natural to wonder what else he's lied about and to what extent. Please continue counselling (even just for yourself). I wish you the strength to get through this and brighter days ahead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:36pm
My therapist seems to stay middle of the road throughout our sessions so as to make us both open up I guess. She agreed that I should be upset then tossed the questions to my husband asking him why he felt the need to have outside relationships. His answer is always the same..."I don't know". She asked him to look at his actions and see how they are similar to his cheating father and the results it causes, but to be honest, whenever I've brought it up to him, he just doesn't want to deal with it. He claims he's thought about it, but not come to any conclusions. At this point, I want a separation and he's fighting me every step of the way claiming that we cannot work on this marriage apart, yet together, he takes no action to remedy the situation. I'm looking for places to live now short term cause I feel I have no other alternative. I feel guilty about leaving because he claims I'm walking away yet he takes no actions to help our problems! Just continues to say "I don't know what to do" despite what the therapist says to do. Very frustrating. I just wanted to make sure I was not going crazy and overreacting cause of email flirtations, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:43am

Selena,


I was in a similar situation, only I wasn't married to the man- almost though, as he was my fiancee, and as of just recently, my ex-financee.


The actions by your husband that you are speaking of are much deeper than what you are seeing, I believe. By his contacting this woman initially and choosing to stay in contact with her, his actions say that you are not enough for him. But, and here's the tough part- you are going to have to be very strong through this. I think this is only the very tip of the iceberg with him.


My ex did things like this, and he got caught. I knew that he was meeting the women online and most likely using the personals to do it...so, I took some time (about a week) and worked steadly at digging up info on him. Turns out, he was regsitered at not one, but MANY of the internet personals services. If your husband uses the same name for things (as most people do) try to search for profiles under that name. I registered at the personals sites, kept my profile hidden, and searched for a man with his criteria- really narrowing it down so it would pinpoint him. If you want help on how to do this, email me and I will be more than glad to help. If there's anything out there on him, you can find it.


You may also want to run internet searches for his email address to see if it brings anything up. Sometimes you will find blogs or other ad's they have up.


I wish you love and light and happiness. You deserve so much better and I think that by seperating from him, you are demonstrating that to him. If he wants to remain a couple with you, then there can be no secrets- and if he complains, privacy is very different than secrecy. Tell him you want to know how he's planning on salvaging your relationship- if it's important to him, he will sit and think about it and come up with someting. If it's not all that important, he will tell you ' I don't know'. It's going to be hard as hell, but you can do it.


Here are some of the main personals sites if you are interested in checking. I would try 'Match' first since they are the biggest one of them all. Good luck and keep us posted!


www.match.com

Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:06pm
Something to think about:

He's going to continue to say 'I don't know' because if he says anything else the relationship with her or with you (or both) will have to change and he doesn't want that to happen.

He's had a long-term thing going on with this other woman. It strokes his ego to have her on the side, flirting, wanting him, etc. and all the while be married to you.

He's not going to look at his own cheating behavior and choices, nor look at his father's cheating behavior because it either brings up major childhood issues that he's not willing to deal with OR 2) he's not big on self-examination and afraid of what he might find OR 3) because his role model father did it, in his mind there is nothing wrong with his cheating behavior as it's very normal for imitate what he saw growing up.

Personally, I don't blame you for wanting to leave. As you said, he's made no progress into digging into what motivates him, what makes him tick, behave the way he does.... and yet, he'll blame you because you want to leave. That puts all the pressure on you, all the blame and allows him to play the victim instead of taking responsibility for his choices, actions, behavior and decisions.

Reading material:

Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston

The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Lerner

::At this point, I want a separation and he's fighting me every step of the way claiming that we cannot work on this marriage apart, yet together, he takes no action to remedy the situation. I'm looking for places to live now short term cause I feel I have no other alternative. I feel guilty about leaving because he claims I'm walking away yet he takes no actions to help our problems! Just continues to say "I don't know what to do" despite what the therapist says to do.

Stop feeling guilty. He's the one that should feel guilty. Here's what you tell him: Therapy was our way of working on our problems. Since the therapist has told us what to do and I've seen no progress on getting to the bottom of the issue, I feel I must do what is right for me. I'm letting the lack of action and progress speak for itself. While you say you want to work on it, I don't see the words matching the action, therefore I'm leaving. I feel by staying here, I am doing more harm than good. I feel I'm blocking your possible progress and who knows, if I leave as planned, maybe it will motivate you to figure yourself out and help you define what you really want in life.

Do NOT be guilted into staying.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:56pm
Thank you for your honesty, it's what I need right now. Even though the last few months have been hell and crying has become a daily ritual, I feel I'm doing the right thing. My gut instinct is telling me there is more to this than meets the eye. I have been watching everything he does lately, but to be honest, I'm so hurt and feel so betrayed that the trust is gone. He has rocked the core of our marriage and I'm angry. I am monitoring his computer usage with a program I bought that records everything and even though I feel terrible doing it, I feel I need to know the truth even if he won't tell me.

I will check out those sites you mentioned b/c you never know what else is going on. I'm sorry to hear you had to learn about this first hand with your own experience. It seems to have made you stronger and wiser indeed!

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:03am
Thanks for the advice and the reassurance. Lately I've been doing more "investigating" and found conversations he's had with his "secret women" about his marriage to me. He seems to talk of the situation as how I'm insistant on walking away from the marriage. And of course, these "secret women" are agreeing with him, saying I would stay with him if I loved him. Unbelievable!! I'm sure he'll be comforted with the thought that I was the one with the problem. I can not change that I guess.

<
Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston >>

Coincedentally I bought that book you mentioned, a few weeks back and it's very good which is how I got to the idea of separation.

Thanks again, the support on this board is our saving grace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:15am
Hi Zurah,

He does feel like a stranger now. I just feel like we are so far apart, with no connection anymore. It's very sad. Why do relationships have to be so hard sometimes? Just when you think you've found the "one", a dissapointment like this occurs. I hate having to wonder all the time if he's talking to some girl or emailing another behind my back. I wonder about everything now, I feel so paranoid. It's terrible to feel this way and I'm angry that he's done this to our relationship. Lessons in love I guess.

Thanks for the support and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:24am

Selena,


I give you so much credit because it really sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders; I wasn't nearly as smart as you when I was going through my similar situation. I forgave him and got burned again and again until finally there was nothing left for him to stay for- don't let the bitterness overcome you.


Your marriage CAN work, however, it's going to take full and complete communication from him. He may not necessarily tell you everything, and you may never even know more than a few small details (it's easier to deal with it better anyway), but whatever happens, he needs to stop playing games and give you honesty. If you're willing to work on your marriage with him, he needs to start respecting you and giving you his all, too.


As far as others telling him that you would stay with him if you loved him, I think that you have already demonstrated that you love him- any other person who didn't love would be long gone by now. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, remember- you're not the one that made a mess of things in the first place. Who cares what they say anyway- if their judgement we so great then they would have stayed away from a married man in the first place.


The comfort in all of it is that each day brings more resolve. Time does help to heal the pain. You will get through this. You have the support of us here whenever you need it.


Good luck!

Sydnie

Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:56am
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That's my main problem with him at this point because although he admits he's let the flirtations go too far, he hasn't stopped the secrecy or made any effort to show me that he's done with those actions. I have asked him to look inside himself and see the reasons why he feels the need to carry on with other women, but he has no desire to dig any deeper inside himself. It's easier for him it seems to say "She's doing all this b/c of an email - it's not like I cheated or anything".

With my "investigating", I've found more than one woman and so I asked him if there were others and he flatly says no (which is a lie). He refuses to be honest with himself and that is why I'm leaving. If he were to just pour his heart out and just ADMIT everything, I feel I could actually deal with it at least and possibly reconcile myself, but since he insists on continuing to not be upfront with me, the gap between us grows deeper. And my self esteem has taken the biggest hit of all with his lack of attention and intimacy over the years. Before, the therapist and I thought he was just distant b/c of who he is - and I almost accepted that before I found the emails. Now I realize, it's me and my ego can't take this anymore so I prefer to be on my own at this point and be with supportive friends and people who love and respect me. If he can't understand that, then I guess it's HIS problem. I have to stop making it mine.

I will now get off my soapbox! Thanks again, I feel much better now.

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