I found an incriminating email...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
I found an incriminating email...
13
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:16pm
Hi all, I'll try to keep this short.

For the past 3 months, my husband and I have been in therapy to work on our problems with our lack of intimacy in our marriage. I feel he is very closed off from me and seems to always have his mind on other things, like work, etc and not on "us". Sex began to dwindle to a few times a month right after we got married and the excuse was always that he was tired from work, so I let it slide thinking he wasn't really interested since we got along fine the rest of the time. Over the past 4 years, his lack of attention to me like noticing if I looked nice, or telling me he's attracted to me have also dwindled to nothing now. His mind is on other things. So this is why we started going to counseling as I'm terribly unhappy and feel very alone and unattractive.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, when I decided to check one of his old email accounts from work b/c I had a feeling that he was hiding something from me as we were not making progress in therapy and I couldn't figure out why. In his email box were several messages from other women. I clicked on only one that caught my eye, titled "Baby! Where are you?" In the email he had written a girl that he hadn't heard from in a few months and mentioned things like, "I miss you tremendously" and "I still fantasize about that ass of yours" and signed it in caps ALL MY LOVE. She responded with "I'll be in town soon and would love to meet up again if possible."

I immediatly confronted him about it and he first off denied it, then finally fessed up that it was a flirtation that had been going on for 5 years! Longer than we've been married! He claims that nothing has happened between them even though she's come to his work events on several occassions apparently to meet him. (he works in the media). I brought the issue up in therapy and am so upset by this email. I want to believe that he hasn't cheated or wouldn't, but now I have my doubts. I feel so disrespected by his actions and I'm moving towards a separation. Am I wrong or overreacting?

Any insight would be great. Thnx!


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:14am

You are not wrong and you are not overreacting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:04am
Thank you Dr Shoshanna for the advice. Its helped me to see things more clearly.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:22pm
I hear you!!!

I have been there, done that!! My husband used to get very "saucy" and "pushing the boundries" text messages from girls he worked with, he encouraged this in them is my belief and when confronted denied it and said I was reading too much into it and that I blow things out of proportion. Subsequently we had a series of major blow-ups because of it. It got to the point where I said it's them or me..you choose...I seem to be the one he chose and whilst I love him dearly and think he has learned from the past, I still have trust issues and too check his email, just in case. Believe me, I don't enjoy being suspicious, but I don't want to be the fool again either.

My arguments were always that this sort of thing is pushing the boundaries of the relationship and that it shows an utter lack of respect for me and my relationship by both the other women(or men for that matter) and my partner. This in my mind, sullies the commitment we make to one another and is not an acceptable form of behaviour.

I wish you strength and that the hurts can ease. Good luck :)

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