I found pictures of him with other girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
I found pictures of him with other girls
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:20am
When my husband and i were dating, i had seen a picture of his ex-wife that he still had. He says that she caused so much pain and ruined his life and he never loved her or wanted to marry her in the first place, that the only reason he did was because she told him that she was pregnant by him but she realy never was. I asked him why he still had the picture after 4 or 5 years if she caused him so much pain and he didn't realy answer my question. Anyways, we've been married now for a little over a month and he just finnished moving everything into the house we're buying. I saw his pictures and dicide to go throught them to see if he still had the one of his ex-. I felt so betrayed to find not only that picture, but more pictures of him and her and him with other girls. These pictures are at least a little over a year old (from before he and i met) but the fact is that he still has them. Do i have a right to feel jealous and angry that he still has these pictures? Was i wrong to go digging through them in the first place?

And how do i approach him about the subject? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:22am
You were well aware that your husband had a past before you met him, it's just that now you have seen visual proof of that past. Words are one thing, but once it becomes physical evidence and something you can hold in your hand and look at it seems more real. Don't make it into anything more than it is - a picture of his past. The key word here is PAST. Those pictures are of the expereinces that makes him part of who he is today and they are a reminder
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:22am
Do i have a right to feel jealous and angry that he still has these pictures?

*** You have the right to feel however you want to, but you don't have the right to punish the man because he has some pictures in a box from his past. Deal with your feelings and leave it alone. These pictures are from before you met. It's not like he cheated on you or anything. The past is the past and every person your husband has ever interacted with has helped him to become the man you love and respect enough that you decided you wanted him as a life partner. So what if he has kept some pictures from his past? It's not like they are displayed in frames around your house. They where put away in a box and you had to go hunting around to find them.

Was i wrong to go digging through them in the first place?

*** Yes. Looking through old pictures is not a crime, but your intent was to find out if he still had a picture of his ex because you are jealous that he hasn't erased all evidence of his past. That's just wrong. It is divisive and will only cause problems in your marriage. Rather than speaking opennly about any feelings you had, you went snooping.

And how do i approach him about the subject?

*** You don't. You put the pictures back in the box and leave it alone. People should be allowed to keep evidence of their pasts. They shouldn't have to get rid of all memorabilia relating to previous relationships just because they get married.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:23am

Many men have difficulty letting go of their entire past. And they don't have to. The fact that he had relationships before he met you, and they are a part of who he is now, does not mean that you are not the one he has chosen, and it does not lessen his love for you. He is not cheating on you. He has chosen you to marry. Have trust in yourself and your relationship. If you try to take his past away from him, it shows a deep insecurity and also a lack of respect for who he is. Having their pictures does not mean he now loves or wants them, they are just part of who he was in the past. You wouldn't ask him to get rid of pictures of his family, friends or high school album. Don't do it with this either. Let the whole matter go. The more insecure and possessive you are, the less positive it is for your relationship. Learn to develop trust and to feel good about yourself.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:07pm
While I agree with all the replies you have rec'd I would add that I can understand how you feel.... he's told you that she caused so much pain and ruined his life and he never loved her or wanted to marry her in the first place, that the only reason he did was because she told him that she was pregnant by him but she realy never was. I asked him why he still had the picture after 4 or 5 years if she caused him so much pain and he didn't realy answer my question.

So therefore you feel all he said about her was BS. That if she really did ruin his life, cause pain, shouldn't have married her, etc, that there would be no reason to hold on to old photos of her. So it makes you wonder if he lied to you. That's the bottom line.


Carrie