I had an affair
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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:56pm |
This man and I started emailing each other. Then I took a week long trip alone to go visit him...he lives out of the country. I had a wonderful time with him...it was like a fantasy. Then we continued to email eachother.
My husband found all the emails on my computer and knows that I had an affair. He has seen a divorce attorney and is filing papers. He wants me to move out of the house and he says that he never wants to see me again. We don't have any children. I don't know what to do. I do love my husband and I want to make this work. But, he does not -- he will not see a counselor and he simply wants the marriage to end. Frankly, I don't blame him, I would probably want the same thing.
Help! Should I move out and just realize that I've hurt my husband so deeply and he probably will never take me back. It's been 2 weeks now since he found out and he still says he wants a divorce. Again, I know that I betrayed and I understand why he wants a divorce. I just want to know how I can convince him that I really do love him and I want to stay with him and make the marriage work.
What do I do??

naturally, he'll get applause for this and he won't ever have to address the fact that he essentially drove his own wife into the arms of another man by neglecting her, ignoring her, and not having sex with her... thus making her feel unwanted, unappreciated, unloved, undesired, and very vulnerable to the attention from another man.
on the flipside, people will say that people who cheat are inherently lacking in character and some will say that if you were that unhappy you wouldn't have slept with someone else in the first place... i don't believe this.
i believe you love him and i believe you do want the marriage to work. but i also believe that he got lazy and forgot that you're a woman to be wanted by her man.
so why don't you want a divorce? so that you won't be perceived as being in the wrong? so you can say cheating wasn't the issue? you wouldn't have welcomed the attention from another man if he was paying attention, would you?
he doesn't sound like he was a very good husband in the way a man should be to a woman.
unless you're the cheatin' type, i'm sure you tried many things to get him to pay attention to his marriage.
to me, it would be one thing if you weren't neglected and felt very desired and still cheated. doesn't sound that way.
so he's doing the typical thing and saying that since you cheated, you should be divorced.
fine. that still doesn't address the fact of why you were vulnerable to the attention of another man. you say it was like a fantasy... i'm sure it was... i'm sure it was a substitute for what you weren't getting at home. maybe it was validation that you are desirable and a substitute for what you weren't getting at home... not at all assuming that you aren't committed to marriage, per se.
still, you cheated and a lot of people won't look further. in his case, his ego won't let him face the fact that in some way he failed as a husband.
chances are, too, that you wouldn't have just done it for kicks. (unless you're that type)... and some women are.
if he wants a divorce, give it to him.
a starving person WILL find food. you were starving and this guy you met gave you a morsel.
for the marriage to work, you have to show undying devotion and show him every step of your every day and never give him any shred of reason to believe it would happen again. he, on the other hand, would have to understand what kind of marriage he helped create that drove his loving wife into the arms of another man and make changes.
let me ask you this question... did you just suddenly have this affair without ever trying to tell him you felt so neglected and unwanted or did you try to tell him what was happening and ask why there was no intimacy and little sex and he chose to ignore it long beforehand?
If I'm on a diet, then I walk by a bakery and see a chocolate cake which I just have to have and end up breaking my diet to eat it, is it the baker's fault for making the cake? No, it's mine for making the decision to eat it. I find it funny that people are always ready to put the fault on the victim in cases where their morals slipped up ("It's not my fault I cheated...he drove me to it" or "I wouldn't have assaulted her if she wasn't dressed that way"). While we can all probbaly understand why she cheated, understanding the reasons behind it doesn't justify the action. There are always others ways to handle issues in a relationship besides cheating.
Well, you can only make this marriage work if he wants to as well. It takes two to do that. Right now he is so hurt that it sounds like he can't think that way. You need to get your own lawyer to advise you about the particulars, such as whether or not you should move out. I believe there are legal ramifications for all you do now. Get legal advice about this. But you should also know, that when one person has an affair, it is not all that person's fault. Usually there are problems and loneliness in the marriage which drive that person to it. You said you and your husband rarely had intimacy and sex. So, you were reaching out for fulfill your needs for that. In this respect, he has a part in what happened. Of course I am not saying that this is the best way to deal with loneliness. Certainly, it would have been far better if you had been able to talk it over with your husband while in the situation and work on what the blocks and problems were. However, thi s is what happened. You can ask for forgiveness. It is up to him if he can or can't give it. But still, you must eventually learn to forgive yourself and understand the reasons why this took place. It does not mean you are a monster. There are many marriages where infidelity happens and the other person is able to stay there and forgive and work it out. There are also many marriages where they cannot.
Take good care of yourself.
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But come on....if a man came on here saying the same things she said (there was no sex in the marriage...he didn't feel appreciated...etc.) then he would be hung out to dry. You'd see comments like "she should leave you because you're no good!" and "that's no excuse for breaking her heart!" If we are willing to accept that a man plays a role in causing his wife to cheat, are we also ready to accept that excuse when the shoe is on the other foot? Are we willing to blame part of a husband's infidelity on the wife when she comes in here looking for sympathy for her husband's betrayal?
1. Confronted the lack of sex issues head on.
2. Dragged your H to a counseling session or whatever to make your marriage better
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3. Told your husband you were attracted to another man BEFORE starting the affair.
4. Gave your husband a chance to give you what you needed BEFORE having the affair.
5. Been honest, truthful, and direct with your husband on sexual issues.
6. Done ANYTHING to save your marriage and lovelife INSTEAD of having this affair.
I am sorry but clearly you love your H, just NOT ENOUGH for a marriage! I would divorce you too if I were him. Sorry to say.
not true.
if you got fat and let yourself go, and don't respond to his advances, and have no interest in sex, and make him feel like a loser...and this continues no matter what he tries or how he pleads for it to change... then yes, this woman would have driven her husband into the arms of another woman and i'd say the same thing to her.
that's not to say that some people don't cheat for the hell of it. some do.