I had an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
I had an affair
10
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:56pm
About 4 months ago I met a man while on a weekend trip with a friend. I danced all night with this man and very much enjoyed his company. We ended the night with a kiss which felt wonderful. At the time I was feeling very neglected by my husband. We were not intimate with eachother and we rarely had sex.

This man and I started emailing each other. Then I took a week long trip alone to go visit him...he lives out of the country. I had a wonderful time with him...it was like a fantasy. Then we continued to email eachother.

My husband found all the emails on my computer and knows that I had an affair. He has seen a divorce attorney and is filing papers. He wants me to move out of the house and he says that he never wants to see me again. We don't have any children. I don't know what to do. I do love my husband and I want to make this work. But, he does not -- he will not see a counselor and he simply wants the marriage to end. Frankly, I don't blame him, I would probably want the same thing.

Help! Should I move out and just realize that I've hurt my husband so deeply and he probably will never take me back. It's been 2 weeks now since he found out and he still says he wants a divorce. Again, I know that I betrayed and I understand why he wants a divorce. I just want to know how I can convince him that I really do love him and I want to stay with him and make the marriage work.

What do I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 1:23am
I can appreciate that your marriage went stale before the affair. Maybe seeing that your decision to have an affair clarifies that for both you and your husband. I do hope you realize that affairs aren't you do whenever your home affairs aren't where you think they should be. I really don't think your husband wants to reconcile. He may have been looking to get out of a stale marriage anyway, and now he has a reason. You may be able to contest the divorce for a short time for the purpose of counselling and to give reconciliation a chance. You would have to sever all ties with the other man without expecting that your marriage would work - and without keeping him in the back of your mind in case things don't work out. That would be a real test. Are you up to it? Could your husband trust you again? After divorcing - your husband's view may be that you cheated and that will always be his reason for divorcing. Your's on the other hand may be - I was looking for love and not getting it at home, so I looked elsewhere. Even so - it wasn't right. Your best bet might be to ask your husband to wait a few months, try to work things through during a separation where you can both try to be clear-headed about it and make a descision through counselling. Really, if your marriage was that stale, it might be time to let go. Please - work through your issues so you don't make the same mistake again, before getting into another relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:29am
your husband is trying to save face by saying, "she cheated on me so i divorced her"...

naturally, he'll get applause for this and he won't ever have to address the fact that he essentially drove his own wife into the arms of another man by neglecting her, ignoring her, and not having sex with her... thus making her feel unwanted, unappreciated, unloved, undesired, and very vulnerable to the attention from another man.

on the flipside, people will say that people who cheat are inherently lacking in character and some will say that if you were that unhappy you wouldn't have slept with someone else in the first place... i don't believe this.

i believe you love him and i believe you do want the marriage to work. but i also believe that he got lazy and forgot that you're a woman to be wanted by her man.

so why don't you want a divorce? so that you won't be perceived as being in the wrong? so you can say cheating wasn't the issue? you wouldn't have welcomed the attention from another man if he was paying attention, would you?

he doesn't sound like he was a very good husband in the way a man should be to a woman.

unless you're the cheatin' type, i'm sure you tried many things to get him to pay attention to his marriage.

to me, it would be one thing if you weren't neglected and felt very desired and still cheated. doesn't sound that way.

so he's doing the typical thing and saying that since you cheated, you should be divorced.

fine. that still doesn't address the fact of why you were vulnerable to the attention of another man. you say it was like a fantasy... i'm sure it was... i'm sure it was a substitute for what you weren't getting at home. maybe it was validation that you are desirable and a substitute for what you weren't getting at home... not at all assuming that you aren't committed to marriage, per se.

still, you cheated and a lot of people won't look further. in his case, his ego won't let him face the fact that in some way he failed as a husband.

chances are, too, that you wouldn't have just done it for kicks. (unless you're that type)... and some women are.

if he wants a divorce, give it to him.

a starving person WILL find food. you were starving and this guy you met gave you a morsel.

for the marriage to work, you have to show undying devotion and show him every step of your every day and never give him any shred of reason to believe it would happen again. he, on the other hand, would have to understand what kind of marriage he helped create that drove his loving wife into the arms of another man and make changes.

let me ask you this question... did you just suddenly have this affair without ever trying to tell him you felt so neglected and unwanted or did you try to tell him what was happening and ask why there was no intimacy and little sex and he chose to ignore it long beforehand?




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:02am
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship got to the point where you couldn't talk things out and you felt moved to go elsewhere for what you needed. But honestly, there's nothing that you can do to change the situation except to let your husband know that you are truly sorry and willing to work it out. You were the one who went outside your marriage vows and now the ball is in his court. His hurt feelings and bruised pride are very normal, and he has the right to be angry. You can't pressure him to see your side when he is still hurting. The best thing may to offer your love and cooperation to fix things and then to just back off. If he decides he doesn't want you back, it's his right. But after taking a step like you did, there's nothing you can do to persuade him to come back. He has to decide that on his own. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:14am
I'm sorry but that is such a cop out. To say that someone "drove" you to cheat is very childish. As an adult, you have the final say over your actions. True, someone can neglect you and make cheating seem like a good option, but the final decision is yours. Adults have choices....she could have chosen to enter counseling BEFORE it got that far. She could have chosen to sit her husband down and discuss her needs that were not being met. Or if he wasn't receptive to any of that, she could have chosen to leave. But to blame her infidelity on her husband's actions or lack of is very cowardly and unfair.

If I'm on a diet, then I walk by a bakery and see a chocolate cake which I just have to have and end up breaking my diet to eat it, is it the baker's fault for making the cake? No, it's mine for making the decision to eat it. I find it funny that people are always ready to put the fault on the victim in cases where their morals slipped up ("It's not my fault I cheated...he drove me to it" or "I wouldn't have assaulted her if she wasn't dressed that way"). While we can all probbaly understand why she cheated, understanding the reasons behind it doesn't justify the action. There are always others ways to handle issues in a relationship besides cheating.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:50am

Well, you can only make this marriage work if he wants to as well. It takes two to do that. Right now he is so hurt that it sounds like he can't think that way. You need to get your own lawyer to advise you about the particulars, such as whether or not you should move out. I believe there are legal ramifications for all you do now. Get legal advice about this. But you should also know, that when one person has an affair, it is not all that person's fault. Usually there are problems and loneliness in the marriage which drive that person to it. You said you and your husband rarely had intimacy and sex. So, you were reaching out for fulfill your needs for that. In this respect, he has a part in what happened. Of course I am not saying that this is the best way to deal with loneliness. Certainly, it would have been far better if you had been able to talk it over with your husband while in the situation and work on what the blocks and problems were. However, thi s is what happened. You can ask for forgiveness. It is up to him if he can or can't give it. But still, you must eventually learn to forgive yourself and understand the reasons why this took place. It does not mean you are a monster. There are many marriages where infidelity happens and the other person is able to stay there and forgive and work it out. There are also many marriages where they cannot.


Take good care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:33pm
I just don't get it....why is it that when a man cheats, everyone is quick to call him a bastard and a jerk, but if a woman cheats, others have to understand that part of the blame lies with her husband for not meeting her needs? And to the original poster...in no way do I mean to insult or attack you. I feel sympathy for the pain you are now experiencing.

But come on....if a man came on here saying the same things she said (there was no sex in the marriage...he didn't feel appreciated...etc.) then he would be hung out to dry. You'd see comments like "she should leave you because you're no good!" and "that's no excuse for breaking her heart!" If we are willing to accept that a man plays a role in causing his wife to cheat, are we also ready to accept that excuse when the shoe is on the other foot? Are we willing to blame part of a husband's infidelity on the wife when she comes in here looking for sympathy for her husband's betrayal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:47pm
If you had an affair then you don't love your husband ENOUGH to be married to him. If you HAD loved your husband enough you would have:

1. Confronted the lack of sex issues head on.

2. Dragged your H to a counseling session or whatever to make your marriage better

'

3. Told your husband you were attracted to another man BEFORE starting the affair.

4. Gave your husband a chance to give you what you needed BEFORE having the affair.

5. Been honest, truthful, and direct with your husband on sexual issues.

6. Done ANYTHING to save your marriage and lovelife INSTEAD of having this affair.


I am sorry but clearly you love your H, just NOT ENOUGH for a marriage! I would divorce you too if I were him. Sorry to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:29pm
>>>why is it that when a man cheats, everyone is quick to call him a bastard and a jerk, but if a woman cheats, others have to understand that part of the blame lies with her husband for not meeting her needs? >>>

not true.

if you got fat and let yourself go, and don't respond to his advances, and have no interest in sex, and make him feel like a loser...and this continues no matter what he tries or how he pleads for it to change... then yes, this woman would have driven her husband into the arms of another woman and i'd say the same thing to her.

that's not to say that some people don't cheat for the hell of it. some do.





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:41pm
I still say you may be 50% responsible for the emotional state your SO was in that led to them straying, but your H or W is 100% responsible for their actions. If it was that bad for a man then he should move on. Some people say they don't leave because divorce goes against everythign they were taught regarding marriage....what? And infidelity or adultery doesn't? If you are a ful grown adult, no one is responsible for your actions or how you handle situations but you. Their actions may influence your choices, but you hold the ultimate responsibility for reacting the way you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:58pm
honey, of course people are ultimately responsible for their own actions. i never stated otherwise.