I had an affair and need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
I had an affair and need advice
4
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:25am
?


Edited 2/18/2004 8:27:29 PM ET by songbird1212003
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:31am
You say you have had problems w/ your marriage on and off for some time now, but you don't say whether you have taken any steps to understand what those problems are or how to "fix" them. My suggestion to you is to find a good therapist and commit yourself to having an open and honest conversations w/ the therapist. Just about every marriage has problems on and off, it is learning how to get through the problems and learn from them, and go onto a better, deeper relationship. It sounds as if you DH may be willing to do that.

Set a timeline. Commit to working on the marriage and only working on the marriage for say, six months. No exits (that would be your cousin or any other thing you or your DH use to take the focus away from your relationship). Six months is not a very long time to invest in a good marriage, is it? Six months and 12 sessions. Most men quit counseling after 4 - 6 sessions, because it begins to get hard then.

My brother "fell in love" with my cousin about five years ago. Although they have never been "physical", he was in fact and still is, having an emotional affair with her. It has been devestating to him, his wife and my cousin's family.

Please think about it.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:07am

Well, you are in a very upsetting and difficult predicament now. I can understand how hard it must be for you to wait to find out about whether or not you are pregnant. If you are, this is an issue you have to come to terms with carefully. I would see a fine counsellor to work out my feelings and options thoroughly, and not get swayed in my decisions by guilt, fear or other issues. It is important to realize the ramifications of the way you handle this, and to choose what you do with the utmost care.


If you are not pregnant, (hopefully), this is still a touchy and complicated situation. As you say you will need to do quite a bit of work on the marriage, to get it where it should be, and work out the issues that brought you to this place. It certainly is worth working on, esepcially if he has

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:21am
It sounds like you need some marriage counseling if you want to stay in the marriage.

If you are pregnant and plan to keep the baby you need to come clean with your husband. Is it really hard to figure out who the father would be?

And if you aren't pregnant maybe you should try birth control if you are considering leaving your husband and/or starting a new relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:51pm
To me, this is the saddest situation. Something that could have been avoided with just a little communication.

::I went home all prepared to separate from my husband only to have him break down and say he loves me so much and can't imagine life without me.

Why didn't you tell him BEFORE you left?

::I haven't told him about my affair.

If you plan on staying in the marriage, I think being totally honest is a must otherwise you are building your marriage (back together again) on a lie.

::I know I can't really justify it but I wouldn't have had an affair had I been in a great marriage.

Please take responsiblity for your choice. You did what you WANTED to do. Again, communication with your husband about the marriage at any point would have changed the picture and maybe you would have chosen to not have an affair. I think in order to justify your affair, you knew you couldn't talk to your husband before you left for the visit. You assumed he didn't love you, assumed he didn't want the marriage, assumed he didn't want you, but you never even asked him to verify if it was true or not.

::My problem now is that I don't know if I am pregnant. I am just so confused. I guess that I would have to confirm who the father is. If I am pregnant then I think it would have to be my cousin's baby. What on earth am I to do. I don't know whether to put all my effort into my marriage or whether if I am pregnant to my cousin then my husband may leave me anyway. I guess it would be a good test to see if he truly does love me. I am so scared though. I think waiting to find out is the hardest part.

If the roles were reversed and your husband had done this and gotten another woman preg, how would you feel? Would you think it a test of how much you truly loves him. NO. You'd be angry, feel betrayed and you would be questioning whether or not you'd want to stay with him.

Sorry to be so harsh, but jeez, take responsiblity for your choices and know them for what they really are - you did what you wanted to do because you WANTED to do it and you were irresponsible with birth control (lack thereof).

I hope everything works out for the best.


Carrie