I hate myself! Please help me!
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| Mon, 08-11-2008 - 12:02pm |
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. I nag alot, we argue alot, plus we both have a tendency to mention past things/arguments DURING our arguments. We spend too much time together (thus leading to even more arguments), not to mention that we both suffer from depression and have alot of hatred towards ourselves and each other, it seems. Both of us have been beating around the bush/scratching at the surface on the topic of breaking up for some time, even though neither one of us seems to be the one to want to do it (the breaking-up-with-the-other part, that is). However, we both love each other and don't want to see the other one miserable. We both want (as far as I know) to work on our relationship and make it better. And we both (as far as I know) want to get married to each other someday. He talks about marriage constantly with me and keeps saying how badly he wants it and how badly he wants to make our relationship work. So how do we make it work? I am about at my wits end, here. Most of the arguments are started by ME, I think. I'm pretty sure his parents hate me and want him to break it off with me and I can't even blame them. If I were them, I'm not sure I'd want MY son to date a chic like me, either if she constantly nagged at him all the time, the way I do to my bf! I tend to start arguments at times when I fear losing him. I know that sounds really stupid and childish. I REALLY, REALLY wish I could stop nagging him and start loving/appreciating him for who he is and what all he does for me. He's a GREAT guy and I don't deserve him! Please help.

Welcome to the board hippy1foru,
::He's a GREAT guy and I don't deserve him!
As long as you believe that you don't deserve him, things will not change.
Of course his parents don't like this relationship. It's bad for both of you.
I don't see a loving, wonderful relationship that needs to keep going. I see a relationship based on drama and intense emotions, both good and horrible. That's why marriage is appealing at this point, because I'm sure the times you DO have together are amazing. This is a bipolar/rollercoaster relationship. It's not based on what it should be based on. Drama kills relationships, and I wonder if your other relationships have been rollercoasters like this one. If so, then it's time to break the cycle and start looking for a more mature person to be with and also to start BEING a more mature person. If this kind of relationship is new for you, then you should keep looking because this one is crazy. He doesn't bring the best out in you. Often times, a man with the same weaknesses as you makes a bad partner because he cannot compliment you and offer you his strength and energy in those areas.
If you hate yourself then you need to discover why, preferably with a counselor or therapist. And you should leave this relationship that is ultimately only making you both feel worse. It's just not good enough to continue - and really, talking about marriage is very inappropriate for where you two are right now, partly because of how young your relationship is, but mostly because it's just not a good one. And at three months, it HAS to be good or it's not going to work.
Please consider picking up the books "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis and "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. You are obviously intelligent and self-aware, hopefully you can read them with an open mind and allow their philosophies to influence the decision you make in this relationship.
Best of luck to you and I wish you self-healing!! It is so important to love yourself.