I have done the unthinkable

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
I have done the unthinkable
17
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 9:31am

I know I might get slammed for this but I don't think anyone can say anything to me that I haven't said to myself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 9:37am
You need to push for the marriage counselling. And you should not procrastinate it and bring it up today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 12:24pm
I'll skip the harsh words on the affair....

I think you should have gone to counseling by yourself, if need be, the first time you brought it up and he said no. Tell him, 'I need to do this for me. I'd like your participation because our marriage is deteriorating to the point where I am considering divorce and any decision I make in counseling will impact our marriage.'

Reading material to consider:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:01pm
I just hope that you didn't share any part of that seeking to justify cheating on your husband. You will get nowhere with your husband (and why did you marry him?) or marriage if you continue to cheat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 3:27pm
Your post actually puzzled Pianoguy! (Then again, he has been awake since 3AM this morning and is probably starting to "burn out").

With a 3.5 year history of living together...and according to you, there were a few problems prior to getting married...WHY DID THE TWO OF YOU BOTHER? From what you've described...he doesn't seem to like you at all! You probably have a habit or two that drives him out of his mind?

It's admirable that you're trying to learn new skills...are advancing in your job...and are concerned about the bugs in the shed. But SEXUALLY---there appears to be no spark between you at all. And even though I'm a man...that obligatory 15 minute 'reflex exercise' isn't fair to ANY WOMAN! If your husband has always behaved in this manner, I'm still confused about the reasons you decided to marry!

Since it's obvious that you're looking for some love, respect and gentleness from a man that has no desire to provide it...ask yourself this question: "CAN I WALK AWAY, LIVE WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER AND FUNCTION ON MY OWN?"

While I'm sure you'd LOVE to turn to the man who is...err..."touching you a little bit"...this temporary solution won't resolve the problems with your husband. It might make you feel wanted, but a temporary high isn't a permanent fix!

Right now...the 2 of you should consider marriage counselling...or END THIS! And since both of you are driving each other nuts...what kind of a marriage is that???

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 4:15pm

Let me try to clarify a few things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 4:30pm
You can't make someone come to the party (or to the counseling)

But I repeat:

Tell him, 'I'm going to counseling. I need to do this for me. I'd like your participation because our marriage is deteriorating to the point where I am considering divorce and any decision I make in counseling will impact our marriage.'

Reading material to consider:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 4:37pm
You say that you were having problems prior to the marriage and things have just gotten progressively worse since saying "I do." Question - why did you marry him if you knew ahead of time that you guys had some issues? Did you think that marrying him would change things? I don't understand that concept.

Well, it goes without saying that if you are truly serious about salvaging your marriage, then you are going to have to end this affair that you are currently engaged in. Another step that you might want to take is to start working on you - meaning that take some time for yourself, read books on self-esteem, find a support group of friends who are unconditional, etc. It is my belief that if you start to work on you, then situations in your life will become alot more clearer as far as decisions that you need to make.

As far as your husband, he sounds like he is the epitome of the old saying "misery loves company" because for someone to complain as much as he does, he is one miserable person. He sounds like he is the type of person who feels that he never gets a break and if it weren't for bad luck he wouldn't have any luck at all? Do you think that he suffers from depression of some sort? I mean surely he hasn't been this disgruntled the entire time that you have been together. Think back and try to remember a time when he was happy and then think about when his mood & outlook on life changed. What was the catalyst? It sounds like he needs to seek professional help. Perhaps you should suggest that as opposed to marriage counseling. I think that if you start to work on your issues, allow him to work on his - perhaps the marriage can repair itself with two people who have made some adjustments on themselves. Does that make sense?

I believe that the reason why your husband doesn't have a sexual drive is because he is depressed - and basically, doesn't see the point. He does it to appease you but could care less about having a sexual relationship with you (which sucks for you). I think that the reason that he doesn't want to be around you is because he is jealous of you. His diminished sense of self worth has led him to be jealous of his spouse. Like I said before, he needs counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 4:44pm
You've already cheated (even with no sex), so haven't things already gone too far? In some instances I think marriage counseling can work, but it sounds to me like your marriage was destined for failure before it even began. You say you're in your first year of marriage, and in the last two years you've only had sex 7 times. So all this started BEFORE you got married. Why did you even marry him? That was a big mistake, and you got yourself into your own mess.

If it were me, I'd just get divorced. It doesn't sound like the two of you love each other. I'd get out before you've wasted too much time. I mean, you're already cheating....so obviously the marriage vows aren't very sacred to you.....so divorce isn't such a big deal.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 4:52pm


But marriage IS something you casually violate by having an affair???

Please, don't try to make it sound like you're such a hero and will "fight" for your marriage....don't make it sound like you have any *respect* or *understanding* of what a marriage is and what it involves. If you did, you wouldn't be cheating. And if you really, truly thought that the affair is wrong (like you state), then you would have never started it, much less justified not ending it by saying it can't be undone now, so what does it matter if it's still going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 9:01am
You should end your affair immediately. You are lying and deceiving your husband as well as breaking your sacred vows.

Your affair complicates your situation. If you have problems with your husband you need to work with him to solve them via counselling.

If you aren't going to end your affair today and truely try to solve your problem to the best of your effort then stop playing your husband as a fool and get divorced.

Things aren't complicated. We only make them complicated.

And if these are things you already know then act upon them today.

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