I have no idea what's going on! need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
I have no idea what's going on! need advice!
12
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:29pm

Hi Everyone, Okay, I am going to try to make this as short and sweet as i can. About 4 years ago, a guy that i was interested in and i hooked up. We both were not serious because we had just gotten out of longer relatioships. Time passed, things faded as it was just physcial and we didn't really talk anymore. Both moved on. Then a few weeks ago, I received a FB message from him. He is single, I am single...oddly enough so we started hanging out again. Lot different it seems this time, not just physical, we talk forever, we go out to dinner, he stays over...yes it's very very early. I guess my big issue with the whole thing is the following: We have a past that was just physical. We still have that physical connection which is great, but is he just hanging around until something better comes along? And 3, he has A LOT of female friends. Women everywhere want this guy. His facebook is loaded with good looking women. I hate to judge things by facebook, but it is a means of communication. So I guess my big question is...does it seem like this guy could really be into me? He has been burned by an ex or 2, we all have. We talk about absolutely everything, we have a great time together. Feels like we are dating...but not really sure, and it may be too soon to ask him that question. What do you guys think?

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 2:51pm

It is not definitely up to you, or definitely up to him to bring anything up in the relationship. If a person has an issue with the relationship then they should bring it up, whatever it is. If no one is bringing up anything then it follows that they must be happy with the status quo. He must be happy as-is because he has not raised any issues about exclusivity and he probalby assumes you are happy too since you haven't raised an issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001

Okay these are all good thoughts. I do like this guy and it's early and yes I should be able to ask what the deal is! But on the flip side, i do like the idea of NOT being readily available. I am wondering if just being there is delaying any movement forward. I guess i should date and see what else is out there with the thought that if i actually HAVE to bring this up to this guy, is this what I really want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012

Before you get too deep in the relationship you both should be on the same page as to what you want in your future. If you are looking for something serious, and he is looking for "whats right now" then you two might not be couple material.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012

The reason that he's been hurt before is the reason why he probaby keep all these women around him, it could be meaningless or it may not. Some guys change when they meet the right woman after such experiences, and some guys don't.

You can choose to hang in there or you can choose not to. If you like this guy I would suggest that you hang in there without being readily available. Don't take it personal and play the game.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 12:48pm

I would think you simply say that you want to be exclusive with him, and does he want to be exclusive with you. If he says yes then you go from there and you expect exclusivity and monogamy from him as he would from you. If he says no then you have a choice to make, do you want to continue the fling knowing he could be with other women concurrently with you.

If you can't being yourself to have straightforward comunication with someone then you have to question what kind of a relationship do you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
thank you everyone for your replies, it is great to see the different perspective you give. I do think it's fine he has female friends. I have no idea how to bring up this situation to him, how do i ask? Yes, we can talk about alot of things, but we have only been hanging out for a few weeks, not sure how to bring this one up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

If you can talk so easily now, isn't HE the one to be asking about this?  Just be open and honest and ASK. 

 

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005

It's never too soon to let him know what you're looking for and find out what he is looking for. You're not telling him you want to get married, you're just telling him "Hey, I'm looking for something more than just a fling like it was last time and I want to make sure we're on the same page." You say you talk about absolutely everything but you're not talking about this.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 4:31pm
Maria Just stop trying to do analysis and think of you self. You have male friends so that is really null. He has Facebook friends and pictures so? You can have conversation with him. But what do you want? Are you struggling with the media rendition that he should have no female friends and only you? Then what about your male friends? Have you been on a sexual hiatus for these four years? Why should he? Why is that even a concern? Look from another perspective what is in it for him?

Goldfish

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 11:27pm

mariaparatore wrote:
<p>I am not getting the impression he wants them. I know he has a variety of female friends from childhood and I have a lot of male ones...same situation. I guess, this being more untraditional in the start of the situation, I am gathering info on whether or not this guy is worth my time, and does he seem like it's me he is interested in solely</p>

then take it slow and keep your expectations in check, especially the unexpressed expectations. If you have bottom line issues, own your voice and speak up so he understands what you expect out of him.  If you dont' know something, ask him.  Never be afraid to ask--he should want to be on the same page as you.

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