i have ridiculous jealousy issues, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
i have ridiculous jealousy issues, help!
3
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:27pm
ok I know that these thoughts I have are just ridiculous and a bit selfish, but I don't know how to make them go away and they upset me and make me quiet and standoffish towards my boyfriend which causes him to ask whats wrong and me to say nothing and then he doesn't believe me and I don't know what to tell him...because I feel stupid enough about it.

I am jealous of his 2 1/2 yr old daughter, yeah I know, how selfish can I be? But understand I love this little girl to death and one day I'll be her stepmom as we are planning on getting married...but I feel like I can't compete with her when it comes to who/what will be the most important thing in his life. Part of the issue is her mother, his ex-girlfriend, slept around, lied to him, and because of her deception she got pregnant and then she didn't even know who the father was and now she is just crazy (long story) and causes alot of problems, so needless to say, I really don't like her or respect her. I guess I always thought that the man who wanted to marry me would put me in the center of his life, just as I would him, isn't that normal? And he says I am a high priority but I just don't feel it, I don't. He has so many responsibilities, work, and dealing with his ex, and of course taking care of his daughter, who yes should be priority-I just want to share his love with her, that's all. I want children with him and he wants them also with me, but she was his first born and he just adores her and yesterday as I watched her sleep on his shoulder he couldn't take his eyes off her, stroking her hair, and kissing her head, which is so wonderful that he loves her that much. He is a great dad. I guess I got these jealous feelings, which totally surprised me, because I don't feel a strong love like that from him. He has a hard time expressing himself and is quiet, to share his feelings with me takes alot, I struggle with this as I need that reassurance. I mean I guess that sitting there next to him (we were at a baseball game) I felt completely ignored, the only time I didn't was when she wanted to sit with me and I was playing with her and then he paid attention to me (turned towards me). I tried to give him affection and hold his hand but...I don't know, he would smile at me but I didn't get much else. I think that if I were her biological mother this would not be an issue, you know? Maybe because she's not mine, jealousy stems from that too. I struggle with him already experiencing the miracle of becoming a parent....but I love him so much, I try to push it aside. I guess right now its hard because currently we are in a long distance relationship because of my job and he is in the same city with his ex, so I barely get to see him, she's always calling and giving him a hard time, accusing him of stupid stuff-which is upsetting and hard on him to the point that she wears him out emotionally leaving him nothing to give me, and then of course I am still adjusting to dating a man with a child. He says I'm great with her, and she just loves me, but when it is the three of us, unless she is in my arms, I feel like that invisible woman. I already told him that I feel like the other woman...he said to not feel that way, but how can I not when I see him maybe once every two weeks and yet when we are together I am still fighting for his attention with two other women? One of which simply is trying to cause problems. I just don't know how to deal with this myself, he doesn't know and I don't want to tell him because I just feel it would make me look selfish, but I just want love and affection from him as much as he gives his daughter, I mean obviously its different but I want to share him with her. I feel though that I can't compete with that, that I will always be the outsider. I don't know what to do, please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:07pm
I'm both a mother and a step-mother (though my step-daughter is now 21). When I came into her life, she was 2 1/2 - I had a different situation as her father, pretty much was emotionally unavailable even to her, was very strict with her. She and I bonded very well. Being bonded with a child and showing love, tenderness and caring is sometimes very different than the way we show love for the adults in our life. It's sometimes very easy to give and get love from children. Plus they don't immediately have all the baggage that adults do.

I think you understand the difference yet yearn for some of that love, tenderness, etc which is normal. You will have to get your jealousy feelings under control. Have you discussed your attention needs with him... hand-holding, showing affection? If not, you should. Consider counseling to help you through this, maybe together as a team.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:24pm
It's nice to know someone else went through a similar situation. How did you deal with your guy being emotionally unavailable? My boy shows it sporadically in things he does or says, and more so when he has had a drink or two, he is just so shy. I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes at moments when he lets his guard down and kisses me or cuddles with me on the couch, etc....I think part of the problem is he hasn't had a healthy relationship with a woman romantically in years...and he doesn't know what to do now with me, there in front of him. The most intimate things he revealed to me have been through email while we're at work and when we are being physically intimate. I want to talk to him about how I feel about being an outsider with him and his daughter, but I feel so ridiculous even having this problem and counseling seems like it would make it a bigger deal than it is. I mean I don't know, he has so much to deal with right now, I don't want to add to the stress, right now I'm his stress relief, you know? I mean last week he said I was about the only person he liked at that point in time, things were so rough with work and his crazy ex. I guess I have to be patient right now...things won't always be this crazy, once we're living in the same city again and can plan more for our future and things are more settled with his ex who is threatening to move and take their daughter with her. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:11pm
My step-daughter kept me in that marriage longer than I should have stayed. I was afraid for her and stayed. He was also manipulative and controlling.

::The most intimate things he revealed to me have been through email while we're at work and when we are being physically intimate.

Why not have an email conversation about how you feel?


Carrie