I just don't know anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
I just don't know anymore
3
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 9:42pm
I love my boyfriend, and want nothing more than for us to pull through this rough patch. The point we're at now, he's going to call me after work to talk and if it doesn't go well... Anyways, I know some of our issues are my fault, I was diagnosed with depression but have no way to pay for help. Im trying to handle it on my own but it is hard and does put strain on our relationshisp ( I tend to lose control easily ). One of the main issues is that he wants his space, which is fine. However when i give him this space, then everything has to be done his way or not at all. No problem with space but I feel this isn't fair, and i don't belive he see's waht im talking about. My main concern is that he's very hard to get through to, as soon as I try to talk about somehting serious, if he doesn't wanna talk he gets mad. I've been working on things that we need to talk about, and work on together in our relationship. Aswell I know that we both need to work on staying calm. He is simply too touchy right now, so... I guss I was just really wondering if there was anything that I could say or do to help calm him down and talk, without pushing him away. Or if there's a way to get him to see my point without having to repeat my self. Don't get me wrong i'm sure he has his points too, and im willing to listen, but it is a 2 way street. I just don't want to lose him. ANY advise is more than welcome. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 9:49pm

Maybe you could read a book on communication styles and skills, and if he would join in and read it too, that would be great. It sounds like he's stubborn and that you aren't communicating well. He should learn that a relationship is give and take and not about getting your way all the time. You have recognized that you need to work on remaning calm, so I think it's a real plus that you recognize this. If he is willing, maybe you could set weekly or monthly goals for your relationship and also set aside time to talk.

If you were prescribed medication but can't afford it, you might want to visit www.pparx.org, which explains how some pharmaceutical companies give away free medication to people who can't afford it.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 5:34pm
I was in the same situation awhile ago with my live in boyfriend of 3 years... He wanted his space. So I gave it to him....stopped calling him, when he would come home from work I just kept doing what I was doing, told him if he's hungry it's in the fridge, ect....It got better for a while so now every once and a while I just do that again and it seems to get better. I know I llike my alone time just as well as he does sometimes. I would also write in a journal just to get my feelings out and that seemed to help alot.
When he snaps at you if you want to talk, leave him and let him come to you--I know it's hard but it will help.
Anything else let me know and let me know how it goes
Casey

So my ex and I dated for 3 years lived together for 2. We have been broken up for 1.5 years. It was a mutual brk up. I moved 2 hours away about a year ago and often go back home and visit. We did keep in touch for the first year then

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 5:38pm

The most important thing here is for you to work on your own depression and easy loss of control. You cannot change or fix another person, but you can get some help for yourself. There are fine clinics and also university settings where you can work with a postdoctoral student who gets supervised. It's hard to make the right choice in a relationship, or to establish a firm balance if you, yourself, feel unbalanced.


I don't know the details of who he is or how he actually refuses to communicate, but needless to say, good, open, honest communication is the basis of all healthy relationships. Unless he is willing to talk, listen and try to understand and be understood, it's almost impossible to work through the hard times and move forward. You can let him know how important communication is, but once again, if there are deeper issues here, he needs to find a way to go and work on them himself. Unless we understand ourselves, it's truly hard to understand another, much less than be really close to them.


Best wishes,