I just dont know what do to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2002
I just dont know what do to
10
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 7:29pm
Hello. I am so lost, i have no idea what to do. Its a lengthy story so lets see how i can shorten it. My husband and I have been married 13 years. I have cheated on him before, numerous times. I believe I have BPD or at least MAJOR depression. In any case, our marriage has been nothing but a horrible nightmare. Constant cycles of fighting, then make up then break up then together and on and on...We never get any solutions to our problems, we just constantly argue about them. We have never consistently been to counseling. Now 13 years later I am just so tired, and I know he is too. The current situation is that his step dad suddenly passed of cancer and he being an only child doesnt want to leave his moms side because she has no other family. I had been wanting to move to another area 400 miles away for quite sometime and for years have been trying to convince him to make the move. Maybe thats my mistake. Beating it over the head. Well I just cant take it anymore I decided to pack my stuff and go. We had come to a point because of all the problems that we were flat broke and with his mom loosing her husband he wanted to move near her and I didnt. And we would have to do that regardless due to being broke we had no money to move to our own place. I have my own fears, that he will want to stay living with his mom forever and never leave that hick town she lives in. (sorry no offense to anyone but Im not a "country girl") I base this off the fact that his grandmother lives with the mom now and I just for see that as my future. I also feel I wont get a life of my own with him which has already been rocky to start.He is a complacent person who is ok with watching the world go by, and me Im the type that goes chasing after it. We're so opposite. He obviously can't tame me and I cant get him to want more out of life. I dont want to have to live based on someone elses life. I feel like everything will revolve around his mom now. I know him and he promises me so much empty things...I cant believe him anymore just the same as he cant believe I wont cheat. I dont know where the compromise is. He says I shouldnt have left and that being with my kids should be more important than wanting to live somewhere else. But I cant get him to understand its more than that. I just want to move on..I want to do other things with my life. I dont see anything wrong with that. He says its irresponsible and uprooting to our family and on and on. Is there a crime in wanting to stretch your wings and fly? Am I really wrong? I feel I am because he makes me feel that way. No matter how I present it he always comes back making me feel wrong. I felt the comprimise would have been to move back to the city we lived in together before all this, but now he doesnt want to do that either. So WTF? Where is the comprimise? I am trying everything and its like theres no care for my feelings. He acts like it doesnt matter if I am depressed everyday as long as i am with him and the kids. And how jacked up is that to say I want to be with my kids so much but at the same time if I have to live there I will utterly want to jump off a bridge. I just dont know anymore. Is something wrong with me? I dont know how to even cope everyday. And thats just a tip of the iceburg right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 7:58pm
Work out an equitable divorce, give him primary custody of the children with visitation by you, and I think the both of you would be a lot happier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2002
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 3:20am
It may well be inevitable but my husband is saying he wants to work at it as much as I do but maybe we both fool ourselves. I think we do love each other or we're both crazy. Because we cant seem to leave each other alone. Yes I cheated, does that mean he always has to throw it in my face? Where does that make him any better than me? Sure he's angry I get that. Regardless I will need counseling because life feels really hard for me right now. And as I told my husband counseling will do no good if in the end he cant forgive and still wants to hold it against me. It stands to reason that if we both say we want to work at it then he needs counseling as much as I do. Maybe it helps and maybe it just heals and we move on. I dont know. Maybe I just need one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 7:06am

It's hard to work on a marriage when the person who cheated is not sorry -

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:20pm

Welcome to the board starchaser2003,


I think americanjin gave you excellent advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2002
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:53pm
I cant believe people will actually think its ok to break up a family. This is my second marriage. My husband and I still talk everyday and we talk about working it out. I dont know, maybe we are fooling ourselves and fighting for a lost cause. But I just have some part of me, (and I want to believe he does too) that doesnt want to give up. I mean we have stayed together 13 years, somehow even through all the problems. That doesnt mean anything? Maybe I just cant wake up and see that its time to let go. But I think that if everyone quit focusing on the negative all the time maybe we could make some progress. We do have different goals and I do feel divided. And part of the compromise I have talked about with him is that if we got out more and took vacations together maybe I wouldn't feel such an urge to "want to get away". Well considering we can learn to manage our money. And he tells me now he will do that and he says he knows hes gone back on his word about certain things in the past. But for me, just like for him I cant believe him. Is it ok that he breaks promises because of the fact that I cheated? Its not supposed to be an eye for an eye thing. So you see all the problems we have are not just mine alone. Crap I could go on for days...Money is always a huge issue and what it boils down to is like you said we just dont see eye to eye ON ANYTHING. So maybe from the start we were a big mistake. We are just individually to opposite to make it work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 2:02pm

::what it boils down to is like you said we just dont see eye to eye ON ANYTHING


Is that true?


::I cant believe people will actually think its ok to break up a family.


It is if the kids are being negatively effected. You are your children's role models.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 6:27pm
I'm not sure how you come to the conclusion you are 'fighting for' anything if you can't stop cheating. Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 6:56pm

When you talk about the marriage being a nightmare with constant cycles of fighting, how very different you are, and how you might jump off a bridge if you're forced to go with him to live with his widowed mother, it sounds like a rough marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2002
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:00am

Yes I have thought about things from his perspective. And I really truly do (despite what you all think) understand where he is coming from. But does anyone get where Im coming from. I feel abandoned. I feel like he chose his mother over me. Period. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with my past affairs. I put that in there because yes it is a contributer to the issues but it is NOT the reason we are split right now. And I also said it because I came to this board trying to be open and honest and from a perspective of what both sides of the story might be. If I didn't mention that and I was just saying it now then everyone would be waving fingers at me saying oh I knew there was more to it!

Gosh I know it sounds so harsh when I say I cant see myself living with his widowed mother but the reality is I just cant. Him and I have talked and talked and cried and cried over it. Its not that I can't do it, but its the feeling inside of me that part of my life is being stripped away from me. That now I have to share my husband with her. I mean it wont be the same capacity as lets go see my mom on christmas you know? Now its more like every life decision we make we'll have to think about his mom somewhere in the process. So I guess you could sort of liken that to my having an affair, where my husband likely felt that part of his life was stripped away from him.

Does that make sense now? And please please dont get me wrong on this but my husband made a knowing and concious decision to stay with me even through the affair so that boils down to his choice. We are all individuals at the core and I always told him if it were the other way around, I just wouldnt stay. I dont know what that says, people make whatever they want out of that. But now the issue is not that at all and I told my husband the most stupid thing of all this is that we are going to end our marriage simply because he doesnt want to give it a try living in another city? When it could well have been ended at any time because of the affairs. Sure I could stay there and be with him and the kids, but I have a fear of my life being controlled by whatever it is his mother wants or needs, and its building an animosity towards her that I hate. Because even through the bad times her and I never hated each other.We always got along and solved our differences.

She is a good woman and I feel very very bad for what life has brought her. And I told my husband I think that death has a way of affecting us all in ways we never imagined. I never NEVER imagined that her husband passing would "affect" me. And I was so wrong. She has her cycle of grief, and maybe this is mine. Because it sounds crazy but I even broke down a few times just hysterical with my husband and told him she is taking you away from me. I truly truly feel that way. As if she were "the other woman". I know it sounds ridiculous but i feel that way.

And in the end all I get left with is a twisting of words, and actions. People only looking at the bad that I've done and using it against me like somehow thats the reason for what is going on. Crap Im human too, just because I made mistakes does that mean I get no feelings? I dont get to say Im unhappy with that? I dont get to say thats not what I want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:10pm

If you go back and read your first post, you did not mention feeling abandoned.