I just don't know what to do
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:13pm |
After the argument we were able to talk about how we are feeling. I told him that lately he has been an ass and that I can't do anything right for him . He told me he knew he was an ass lately and he was sorry. I told him I felt like the LAST priority in his life and he just apologized and said he understood why I felt that way.
So he suggested for us to spend the evening alone. He suggested pizza (my all time favorite food) and to eat at my new dining room table that was delivered yesterday, and then watch the apprentice. So although I was still devestated & angry, I agreed because he was putting forth an effort and I needed to let him do this.
So he left to go to his parents house to get mail and pick up the pizza and I put a bottle of wine in the fridge.
He comes back with the pizza and informs me his friends called while he was out and he was going to shower, eat, and go out with them. I couldn't believe it. He asked if that was okay and I was just at my wits end and I said "fine, go."
He said he felt guilty but wanted to go. I just said to go.
I am so hurt. He is so clueless. No, I take that back, I am devestated.
I don't want to go home tonight to see him because of all these emotions in me I don't want to blow up. My cousin is coming over tonight and I just don't think I'll be very fun to be around.
Ladies, I am using every ounce of strength in me to not break down here at my desk.
Any advice on how to handle this? I know when I go home I'll be angry at him still & I just am not ready to talk about it. I am so hurt& I am so sick of crying. :(
I did suggest couples counseling yesterday and he said okay that he'd go, but I just honestly don't think he will. :( I have called my counselor and left a msg saying I needed to come in.
We just moved in together about 3 weeks (almost 4) ago. I try and tell myself it is just him adjusting but how long can I tell myself that? I feel like I am at my wits end.
I love him so much and I know he loves me, but I just don't get what he is doing. He said he didn't get it either.
Any advice? I am so sad! I can't stop crying :(

I bet if you'd review the entire relationship it's been primarily about you doing what he wants, you considering constanlty meeting his needs and questioning if you're doing that so that he'll stay with you.
Noncohabitationally - that "this is all about getting him to want and commit to me" wasn't allowing you to see the flip side - that in reality he was never really into meeting your needs on a personal basis...because at the time your only "need" was for him to "want to be with you in a committed relationship".
So really, you've been playing second fiddle all along - didn't realize it because being with him and getting him to commit and meeting his needs was your total focus. So whenever he did something thoughtful or sweet - you thought 'it's because he loves me so much". in reality -it's because there was no obligation on his part to do anything much ever about meeting your needs - and occasionally he was feeling generous or nice or wanting to meet some set of standards (someone else's most likely) and so he did nice things for you.
You probably didn't realize that cohabitation would change it. It would mean that you'd be constantly prioritizing him and his wants and needs and goals and that'd be disregarded "in front of your face' because now in order to do what he wants without you - you've got to know about it and "feel hurt that you're not included" - rather than you not knowing about it and being preoccupied with "how can I get him to want me" and devising suprrises and romance to entice him into a relationship.
So, you're in the same relationship you've been in all along...you're the last priority, you're considered more of a beneficial and convenient resource than an equality based partner. And he's just showing you that because for the first time you're "objecting" to what he does - before anything he did was wonderful because it included you and him including you is all you wanted and needed.
So he's onw saying "wait, I didn't sign up here to meet your needs and consider your feelings, I got into this cohabitational state because I figured that the status quo would remain. I'd do what I want, when and where and with who I want...and you'd be there 24/7 to meet my needs, pick up my laundry, and prioritize me 100%."
Really, I remember your previous non-cohabitational posts - it was written all over this relationship back then that it was an inequality based dynamic.
His statement concerns me about the abuse. First, it's untrue. YOu didn't "make" anybody abuse you - yes, you tolerated it thinking they'd change, or it'd stop. But...you did choose somenoe who's values entitled them to be abusive with you when you weren't "meeting their expectations - no matter how realistic or unreasonable those expectations were." This guy is saying "hey, I comprehend why the guy did what he did - you tricked him and made him think that you'd do anything he wanted, be a slave, doormat, and sex toy and now you're wanting things and needing things and making demands. That is why he hit you- and he was right to do it."
The assumption on my part which I'd say is safe to make about the "and he was right to do it" means that this guy also has the belief that situations justify actions. In that situations create feelings, at some point his feelings about you aren't going to be anythihgn close to positive and the situation is going to justify him abusing you. He's already emotionally doing it - physical is just the next rung on the ladder.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
BEFORE we moved in - he was great - he was always there to help me out, always there to do nice things for me - was perfect. HE wanted the committment first - HE wanted to move in first.
Things ONLY changed after we moved in...
me, i would ask him why he suggested to have a night together if he didn't really want to. i would say that i felt hurt because i really appreciated the gesture. that when he offered the night alone together i felt like he was wanting to try and was listening and valuing me, my feelings, our relationship. and then i felt like none of that was important when the friends came up. then he can explain how he really feels. that maybe no it didn't mean he doesn't value those important things. maybe he didn't realize how important it was.
i don't know. i don't really know what to do in my situation either. it's at the point where if i mention anything about my feelings and how they came up he doesn't really want to deal with it. and if i mention anything i'm reading or ask any questions about his past influences (which are all perfect and it's only being with me that brings up anything it seems) he immediately shakes his head no and doesn't want to listen and gets defensive.
hm.. did you guys talk about why he flew off the handle about the dish? that seems really out there, there must be something under that one. maybe it's something with his feeling independent and not controlled by anyone. i don't know if he might feel that way, or why but maybe ask him about that. maybe see if there's a lot of things he's been keeping in that are bothering him.
So people taht move in during infatuation - usually are in for quite a shock. Because nobody can keep up 24/7 the impressing, pleasing, prioritizing you 100% dynamic.
It takes several yeras before "I love the benefit of having you in my life" - becomes "I love you individually - whether it benefits me or not.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Our relationship didn't start out the way a typical relationship does and it matured a lot quicker then the "typical" relationship, that you describe, normally would.
It has different aspects then any other relationship and what you have said doesn't apply to our relationship unfortunately.
Believe me, I have done my research on relationships, was a CL for "Mending Broken Hearts" here and I have seen the ins and outs of relationships.
This is just different...
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle every one of their actions, decisions, words, ideas, desires, feelings, and thoughts and opinions. Those same values determine in every situation their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
So at all times, we're all doing what we want to do, because our values justify us doing it, because our reasoning says "do this"...in order to get a specific result.
Lots of people mistake quantity for quality. Admittedly, you can't get quality without quantity - but quality and quantity aren't the same thing by a long shot.
Lots of people assume that confidences shared are "heard, received, perceived, and accepted" as they were stated. Often that is untrue. But in having shared our deepest secrets and desires and problems....we have this emotional connection with this person. It's really "they know alot about me and I wouldn't want anybody that isn't in my corner to know these things - so now I'll say they're in my corner because they know." My first husband used to constantly say "If you ever try to leave me I'd have to kill yu because you know to much about me." He wasn't lying...he tried for several years!
When someone is with you and your desires for companionship, for a life path, etc. are being met - there's not alot of objectivity until time has passed. That's why quality and quantity aren't the same. Your pereption is your reality - and if you're lacking in objectivity - the same situation could occur in the beginning and be perceived one way - and after time has passed perceived in another way.
I.e., If waht he said hurt your feelings prior to this emotional connection you'd say "he didn't know that hurt my feelings, it didn't count"....and after you've shared your secrets and he says something that hurts your feelings the perception is "he meant to hurt my feelings because he knows what he knows". Neither could be true...or both could be true.....only that person will ever nkow for sure -and that person isn't you - you're the hurt one, not the talking one.
You're saying that he got upset when you asked him to rinse a dish...either a) you're with someone that you KNEW was a total slob (I married two of those) when you started living together and os you KNEW his priority wasn't cleanliness and in knowing thatyou're asking him to step outside ofh is priorities with effort and sacrifice - he got upset...or b) you didn't realize that he was such a slob because it was either well hidden intentionaly by him for a short period of time....or that you thought it'd change or you'd fix it yourself once it started to impact you...or you denied it was an issue at all.
I'm just using the situation - but the situation itself is not my concern. The pervasive dynamic.
But, it's important to realize that his values justified him making a statement that was designed to hurt you based on information that he knew. How "secret" that information was isn't the point. Right there - because his intention and result was to hurt you - you know that youas an individul aren't respected, admired, prioritized, or valued to him in his life.
It's possible if you'd have spent a great deal of time in a myriad of situations prior to cohabitation - even afer sharing yoru deepest secrets based on your need to unburden your soul and then assuming it bonded him to you emotionally in positive ways (often the way women think sex is the act that starts an emotional bond - it's not)...you'd have found out that he really didn't admire and respect you as an individual. He easily, in spite of the statement, might pity you having been thru an abusive situation. But he does not admire and respect you as an individual - and I believe he's tell you without actually making a threat "I'll do it to you too, if yuo're not careful about what you expect and require of me."
I mean...I look at my pattern and I see it now that I'm not reviewing situations. When I was 17 - he was a hunk and I was a fatty - he found me attractive and I didn't care why. He wanted my car -he got it. He wantedmy money - he got it. My parents said no more of this - and I left them and went t him - funding our lifestyle entirely. He was using drugs and drinking prior to us cohabitating - but it all good fun and relaxation to me then. When I couldn't open my own door, when he was paranoid 24/7, when he beat me repeatedly even when pregnant because he wasn't getting waht he wanted that I had no way to provide.....I finally fled for my life.
I immediately turned around and within a year married someone else. Someone I'd shared my sordid story with, who's atteention temporarily alleviated the impression I had of myself as a soiled failure and inadequate person. I married him...he really was a good man....but we had littl ein common - particularly the 20 year age difference. he minute my sordid past was "long past" and I was 24 and thin again, and with assets out the wazoo due to our joint income and my parent's financial backing - I told him get out - I'm done. I want more out of life than this dreary drudgery where we go nowhere, and do nothing but "have things".
BEfore I even told him I wanted a divorce, I was emotionally bonding and telling my sad tale of woe to the next guy....who empathsized and sympathized and who being my age and good looking - his attention made me like myself and my potential life. Hastily divorced, retaining the assets - I immediately set up my life so taht this guy would have ease and convenience. I lost everything I had - trying to "give him the lifestyle he'd like to become accustomed to" - whie he didn't work, and was trying to "sort out of his life. Our relationship lasted 3 years...the marriage less than 1.
Within three months of leaving him - I was dating #4.....and we were on a "perpetual date" from almost day 1. I rushed to get the divorce behind his back - since he didn't know I was married! I told him my sad story - and he regaled me with what my life with him would be like - friends - he had them. Family - he wanted to share his with him. TOGETHER we'd race canoes, TOGETHER we'd build a business.....TOGETHER...the word just resonated in my brain every time he said it. What he meant what he'd race canoes - and I'd be his non-paid, and underappreciated assistant on the bank. What he meant was my inheritance woul fund the business he always wanted to own but refused to do the manual labor for -that was my job after work and on weekends, along with my 9 year old son.
Long story short...I finally looked at the pattern. There I was telling my story, ahving all these 'feelings" - using them as facts, goals, calls to actions, as a gauge to determine what to do in situations -never factually assessing situations or people, never having personal goals or self-responsibility to achieve them.....and waht resulted was 17 years of living hell, and destruction for everybody I touched or involved myself with....I would say myself more than anybody else - but there is one exception to that. Yes, I incurred lots of damage - but it was all self-sought and self-inflicted. My son - there's the tragedy - he didn't ask for any of it, he got all of it, and whether he'll ever work thru it remains in God's hands and nobody else's.
Look at your pattern...not your situation. And you're likely to find that this situation fits your pattern...and look at the results of that pattern and you can know where you're headed now.
If I can help, let me know.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
i am very very sorry for your hurt and pain... i know how hurtful things like this can be, but i think that you may be a little unrealistic regarding this guy.
you said that you HAVE BEEN in abusive relationships before. well ---- from what you are describing THIS IS also an abusive relationship