I kissed another guy--should I tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
I kissed another guy--should I tell?
8
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 1:31pm

My first time posting, so sorry if I write too much--
To make a long story short, I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship lately. I've been with my BF for almost 7 years. We met in college, and he was the first person I ever really dated seriously (and I had very little dating experience at all prior to him--I had only kissed someone twice prior). I have always been mad about him and never been interested in anyone else. Our sex life is frequent and fulfilling. But it's been 7 years, and I moved with him to NYC (at considerable emotional and financial cost) so he could pursue his dreams. I have been wanting to start moving toward marriage, but he's not interested. He loves me, I don't doubt that, but he can be selfish--he doesn't believe "in compromise," and has told me, as recently as this past Thursday, that "I can't count on him" right now because of his career. I'm homesick in this city and have been so depressed lately.
A lot of the romance and passion is missing lately too. I don't remember the last time he told me I was pretty (just the times he's pointed out my "flat hair" or "extra padding."). We don't go out on dates anymore. I'm only 26, and it makes me sad that things are so dull already. I work really hard to try to keep the relationship strong, but I don't see a lot of effort from him. I think he just wants to let things coast as they are. Actually, he has stated as much.

Friday night I went out with two girlfriends--my first time "out" in a long, long time. I got quite drunk. Some french bankers were drinking with us, and I was very flattered by the attention they directed at me, specifically. As the evening went on, my girlfriends were egging me on to let the one kiss me. While dancing, he had kissed my neck a few times. Frankly, I was into it. Eventually, after a few hours of this, I did. Three short kisses--very short--but I kissed him back. Immediately after I realized what I was doing--kissing someone not my BF for the first time in 7 years--and we left immediately.

I know my BF has kissed others while we've been dating (although he said "they meant nothing" and were the result of dares at a party), maybe twice, and other girls have even stayed over at his apartment--although nothing happened. When he told me of those times, months ago, he even said if I had kissed someone, and said he wouldn't be mad. Until this past Friday, I never had--not even a peck. He's asked about where I draw the line at for cheating before, and I had said kissing--I think he had held it at sex. But since that conversation, the line was at kissing.

I feel so, so guilty now. I've been questioning the relationship a lot lately and considering leaving, but I love him so much that I want to keep trying to make it work. I know I've painted him to be a cad in this, but he has a lot of good qualities and has given me a lot of love in the past. I know part of the reason why I flirted with the Frenchman is because I'm sad and confused about my BF and I feel starved for attention. It felt really good to have someone be attracted to me, to compliment me. I was attracted to the guy and flirting with him was exciting. I know I will never see him again--I don't have a number, and he definitely does not have mine.

I am inclined to say nothing to my BF because I feel telling him may just create more problems, he has admitted to similar behavior in the past, and this will never happen again--I realize that I consider what I did unfaithful and selfish behavior. I also feel like it was just a kiss--and I was drunk. But the fact that I liked it, and I liked that guy--makes me feel like it's more significant than a fluke, and I should be honest with the BF.

Basically--am I a horrible person if I say nothing? Would telling him just be an excuse to unload my guilt? Am I unforgivable for doing that? I never thought I would put myself in a situation like that, and I am a wreck. I need some advice, bad. I am questioning myself as a person right now for crossing a line I never, ever thought I would cross.

Any input is appreciated--and sorry for making this such a manifesto!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 3:29pm

First of all, do nothing until you decide whether or not this relationship is still something that you want.


If he does not have it in him to be there for you at this stage inyour relationship (7 years!! - come on!) then he has no business dating you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 3:55pm

Welcome to the board navelgazer_81,


I agree that you need to really decide if you want to continue this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 10:14pm

I'm confused as to how you can carry on a relationship when you cannot agree as to what "cheating" is. It's strange to me that you draw the line at one place, yet he draws it at another.

In any event, I would, as the other posters suggested, really look hard at your situation and determine if you want to continue in it. You followed someone who can't commit to being there for you to a city you are unfamiliar with...this is bound to create resentment or an unhealthy attachment to him. He is putting his happiness first. Nothing wrong with that, but you should do the same.

If you decide you are happy being in this relationship, then no, I wouldn't tell him. Sometimes, things like this can be good lessons and if you've learned something from it, the cost of telling him far outweighs the benefit. As the other poster mentioned, it more benefits you because you'd be ridding yourself of guilt, and that's not the point. So I wouldn't tell.

Hope it works out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 3:11am

I wouldn't tell.


However, I would do as your nickname suggests and do some navel gazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 10:35am

Thanks all, for the advice.


I guess I do need to think hard about this relationship. I love this person, and it's quite scary to think of not being with him after 7 years. I think I know on some level that based on what he says

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 12:56pm

::I see a counselor about that--but it hasn't really been helping so far, the changes I've been trying to make in the way I approach the relationship (trying to have more negotiation).


Do you think you need to see a different counselor?


Have you read the book 'The Last Word in the Art of Verbal Self-Defense'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 5:09pm

>>I see a counselor about that--but it hasn't really been helping so far, the changes I've been trying to make in the way I approach the relationship (trying to have more negotiation).<<


I'm not clear on what you mean here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2007
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 7:07pm

Counseling isn't going to help you negotiate with your boyfriend any better if he isn't willing to negotiate. You need to focus your counseling on YOU because that's all you can control.

It sounds as though your boyfriend has already made his decision--that his career comes first--and no amount of counseling is going to change that. I hope you understand that he's being up front and honest with you about his intentions, so there's nothing you can hold against him about not feeling like his top priority. He's told you that you aren't.