I know better

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2011
I know better
3
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 11:26am
I've been someone has been cheated on before. My new ex knew that and took it to his advantage. He knew I had trust issues and I thought his suspicious actions were me thinking it was my mistrust from the past. Well of course I was right. I am hurt again and can't stop thinking about how I knew better. I was not really into him but he seemed like the safe guy. I begin to love him about a year went by. He cheated, we broke up andhe begged to come back after a month. So I work really hard on forgiving him and learning to trust him again as he worked on earning the trust. A few months later back to the same thing I saw all the same patterns. If courses he denied and I found proof. I foe like a fool. Now I know I'll get over him. My problem is forgiving myself for letting him do that to me again. Now all pass actions come up and it's really hard not to think about them. I am a good looking, smart kind person. It took my last break up for me to say kind things about myself bec I don't like to sound conceited and didn't think looks should be a main factor. This time I stayed away from what I attract the typical good looking guy,the player & I went for the cute, nerdy, nice guy, not knowing he uses that cheat. So I will say I question my judgement and trust and my confidence is shot. I don't know how to get around it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 12:06pm

You show a pattern of picking bad men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2011
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 12:39pm
Thanks for your response. I have to work on it. This lack of confidence also applies to work. I do my job well but I don't boost so that doesn't go well either. I'm successful but not where I should be. I tried counseling but always felt so bad when going, like a failure even after months of going. I just need to work harder on it and the confidence doesn't last long. You are right they smell it and I need more help. I am so use to helping others and not myself. I really appreciate your words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 8:41am

I had kind of a hard time understanding your post so I'm hoping I get this right. I agree that you seem to have a history of choosing bad men... And that's due in part to how you feel about yourself. You're choosing relationships based on what you are missing from yourself. You want a "safe" guy who doesn't seem like he will hurt you, because you don't have a lot of defense (self-esteem) against hurtful men. So you go with someone based on their first impression (we all do) but I imagine after that, you immediately commit yourself to a man or become so attached to him that you can't let go.

NO person on earth matches his or her first impression. We all have a dark side - We all do things that another person doesn't know about up front. When you get to know a person, after many months, you start to see the person they really are, how they react when confronted with stress and pressure and difficulty, and what they are really capable of.

There is nothing you can do to prevent yourself from choosing the wrong guy.

But you can build up your defenses so that you can recognize the wrong guy sooner, and when you REALIZE you're with the wrong guy, you are able to exit the relationship. It is imperative that you realize you never, ever have to stay with someone who isn't right for you. Whether you've been dating a month, a year, a decade, whether you're married and have kids with him, you always have the option to leave if the relationship is hurting you.

Not all cute nerdy guys are players in disguise. The trick to dating is to not get attached too soon, and to use dating to GET TO KNOW a man rather than build a COMMITMENT to him. You actually have a very good head on your shoulders, you just need to trust your instincts and maybe it will help you to forgive yourself if you use this experience to learn how to trust yourself more.