I know a HUGE secret-do I confront him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
I know a HUGE secret-do I confront him?
12
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:38pm
My current boyfriend is the brother of a very good friend of mine. I've known of him for a while and have always liked him, but got together with him about 4 months ago when we were both finally single. He's a great guy and things are going well, but here's my big dilemma...His sister, who is a close friend, told me about 2 1/2 years ago that her brother (my current boyfriend) married an ex-girlfriend so she could become a legal resident of the US and she wouldn't get deported. They were broken up at this point, but he's kind-hearted and would help someone if he could, especially someone he cared about at some point.

I know we've only been together 4 months, but I feel like this is something he should have revealed to me, as our relationship is close and I have told him very personal things about myself. I want to confront him because I'm no good at living a lie, but his sister told me this in confidence. Not only that, she wasn't even supposed to know because he only told his mother and his mother was the one that told his sister. I don't want to cause problems in his family, but I am investing more and more into this relationship and am afraid he won't ever tell me if I don't ask. My friend doesn't know the details, so I don't even know if he's still married to this girl, waiting for her papers to come through, or if he even went through with it, but I have to know. What would you all do????? Help!!!

Janet

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:25pm
Just get over it.

If he did it for the paperwork- no, he is not supposed to tell you all of that. NO.

I was in this situation- I did need the paperwork. You do not even realize what it is like to be illegal....You do not want to know.

You probably do not even know what are the consequences of getting involved into a fake marriage. No, he does not want anyone to know that- relationships end and get ugly sometimes..

Here is an example. My best friend was dating this guy and told him that she was working illegaly while being on a student visa. Everything was great until they broke up. It turned ugly; he made her life miserable just becase he knew "the truth". He was manipulating her- that is how much she was dependant on that truth.

And oh yes, you could change thigns around by knowing that your bf and his X committed a crime (it is punished by law...and has some bad outcomes.)

So, get over it: he does not have to share certain things until he trusts the relationship for sure...

good luck, "secret keeper",



O.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 8:17am
I understand the legal ramifications, but it seems to me like knowing if your bf is married is still something this woman should know. It also doesn't seem like she's looking for a secret to hold over him. Lies and deception are not a good way to start out a relationship. And, what if this relationship develops and they decide to get married, he'd have to tell her then (and produce divorce documents). Its better that she learn the truth sooner rather than later.

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