I know it's over but he won't let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
I know it's over but he won't let go...
2
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:38pm
I've been with this guy Tommy for a while. He started staying at my place last June because he didn't have anywhere to stay and I knew him from the neighborhood and we were pretty good friends so I let him stay at my place for a while. We started a relationship about September of last year. We have been pretty deep in love for a while, but lately, I've started to see things for how they really are. I'll just tell you guys the bad and good things about him and it'll make it much easier. The bad: he is 23, never had a steady job, gets a SSI check because he's slow, which he lied about at first, and I just found out he doesn't even know how to subtract or divide at like a third grade level. He told me at first that his mom signed him up and told him what to say so that he could get a check but I'm starting to think he really needs it. He smokes weed a lot, which I do also, and I never did before I met him. Now that we got evicted from our old place, I live back with my parents (i'm 20) and he lives with his friend and their entire family with these people who are always complaining about how many people are living in thier house, and they already told him he has to find somewhere else to live, but about two months have passed and he's put in one application. He takes a shower like once a week, never gets a haircut (he's had one since we MET) and basically doesn't take care of himself in any kind of way. All he cares about is me and weed. He spends his entire check for $552 every single time in about 2-3 days on going out to eat, weed, cigarettes, and beer and most of the time he rents hotel rooms for a night for like $50 when he knows we're supposed to be saving up to get a place, which I don't even want anymore. I was always a smart girl, I have put in two years of nursing school and I know what I want to do with my life. He said that he could never go to college and never wants to.

The good thing about him is that he loves me deeply and I was his first sexually, emotionally, I was his first girlfriend and he told me that he loves me more than anyone on earth, even his parents, who by the way were crackheads and basically neglected him the whole time he was a child. I know without a doubt that he would never cheat on me but that doesn't matter to me when I think about all the bad things about him. But I just can't stop wondering if I'll ever find someone this devoted to me again.

The problem is that I keep telling him I want a break, we both need to save money and get our sh*t together, but he keeps calling every day telling me he loves me and he wants to change and if I just wait and see that everything will work out and be perfect. But I am too young to be in a relationship that is this messed up. I have a three year old baby and I want to be sure that when I get married, that I can support my son and my husband can support us and any kids we have in the future, and with this man, I'm 99.9% sure that he won't be able to do that. I just think we'll always be poor and bad off. The other thing is that I care deeply about certain issues like politics, abortion, Bush, the death penalty, music, you know, just stuff you think everybody knows and cares about, and this guy has never even heard of Laci Peterson and he doesn't know who Saddaam Hussein is. He has 'heard of him' before. He is impossible to hold a conversation with because he is so flat out dumb. I don't know how I ever let it get this far.

My question is, I know that this is not the person I want to be with forever, but I love him like a best friend, which he is, but I am afraid of what he might do if I break it off. I've mentioned even just yesterday, that we should take a 'break' from each other and try to save up some money and get our heads on straight, because being around him is ruining me, but he always says he loves me and lives his life for me and I wish he would just hate me for one day so I can escape from him. I don't know what to do, but I know I need a man and not a child who I feel like I'm mothering. Please tell me some ideas or opinions on how to break this off without breaking his heart.

Molly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:47pm
Your well being and your child come first-not his manipulations and whatever he says that keep you talking to him. You know he is not right for you so don't do him any favors by dating him because he 'is devoted.' You will find another man and even if you don't, that is no reason to stay with him. You need to be devoted to your child and provide the best life that you can for your child.

Why do you think you were attracted to him in the first place and stayed with him? Don't you think you deserve better? Doesn't your child deserve a stable environment?

Next, get your act together and go back to school and stop smoking pot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:56pm
I agree with ciao gina. Please do what is best for you and what is best for your child. He may love you and he may be devoted to you but he shouldn't be guilt-tripping you and manipulating you to stay with him.

I know that it hurts to think about not being with him but you can not live your life the way you were living it. If you know that life is not what you want then don't do it. You will regret it and it will be harder to get yourself out a second time.

How long are you parents willing to let you and your son stay there? Hopefully enough time for you to get back on your feet. You can get your own place again but don't let your boyfriend stay there. You don't even have to tell him.

You know you are better than that! Don't ever think that another man will not be devoted to you because there will be one. Trust me. I was in a situation similar to yours and I found a man that is even more devoted to me than my last BF was. I live a completely different life than I was living 2 years ago. This is the life I wanted for myself. If I had stayed with my ex I would be lonely, poor and miserable.

Good luck. Keep us posted!