I left her and it hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
I left her and it hurts
6
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:55am

As a consequence of a recent post I left my girlfriend. The post was titled "im-not-emotional-punch-bag-or-am-i"

Things came to head last week after my parents visited. I hardly see them as I live in Gemany and they live in England.  Even so, the one night when I couldn't ride to her work to ride back with her (because i was cooking a lentil soup and cleaning the rabbits and waiting in for my parents and had a puncture) resulted in a big fight because I had promised we'd spend some time together. The fact is, I didn't have the time to go, gave her plenty of warning, couldn't exactly leave my parents in the cold, and had a puncture so would have had to walk for about 30 mins there and 30 minutes back.

Despite this, she gave me such a hard time and was pretty nasty to me about it all. In the end she started threatening the end of the relationship which has become a real constant over the last year.

So.. on Thursday morning of last week, the night after she had made this threat (including "when can you move out?, can you do it tomorow?") and then she decided to spend the night at a female friends house, i decided i couldn't take enough of this. A few friends mentioned a web site which is about emotional abuse in a relationship. It sounds like a pretty classic case. I gathered my things and moved out. Now I'm dealing with the relationship meltdown. Fingers crossed. I love this girl so much and miss her. But I feel like I was mistreated and can't take it. Such a shame. Ironically, she's now telling me she didn't mean all this stuff about me going and wants me to come back. But I have to let this go. :(

There were some wonderful times in the relationship. We had a connection. But the bad times, the anger, jealousy, controlling, isolation from friends/family, isolation from going out, pressure to run around after her, walking on egg shells, just became to much. In the end I thought of her as a kind of Jekyll and Hide. I tried my hardest to nurture the Jekyll and lived in fear of the Hyde. I read somewhere about unconditional love, and giving love even if your partner is horrible to you. But I can't do it. I can't live like that. I think there's only so far that unconditional love can take you. You can't unconditionally love someone who treats you this way? Surely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 12:55pm
  • You made the right decision to leave the relationship.  It is not healthy for anyone to be mistreated and emotionally abused.  And you should never fear your intimate partner.  There needs to be mutual respect and affection for a relationship to be healthy.  And you also need to have clear and healthy boundaries to insure the relationship stays healthy.

 

I can certainly understand your heartache right now.  You invested yourself into a relationship with this woman, she unfortunately did not invest herself equally.  Instead she took advantage and controlled you to her liking.

Take this time to nurture yourself and heal.  Breaking up is not easy to do, and is even harder when you have to do so in order to protect yourself. 

And do not go back.  She needs to seriously look at herself and reflect on her behavior.  And unless she realizes she can't continue with her current behavior and takes the steps to change for herself, she is not going to change for anyone else either.

As far as unconditional love, I do not agree that it should exist with in a relationship.  There needs to be conditions to hold each partner accountable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 1:19pm

She didn't expect you to leave her.  You never did before despite all her awful treatment of you, so she figured this time would be no different.

Now that you've actually found your lost self-respect and left her, she's "sorry" and wants you back.  Be assured she doesn't want the "new" you back...she wants the "old" you, the you who would take her abuse and respond with "I love you".  And she's not sorry for the way she treated you.  She's sorry that you finally had enough and left.  She knows she'll be hard-pressed to find another man who is willing to take her abuse and still say "I love you".  She knows there are very few men who will cater to her every single want and wish like you did.  She wants to be able to bully you, get you to do whatever she wants and cater to her.  She definitely does NOT want to be a loving, caring and giving partner to you.

I recommend you do not respond to any contact from her.  She will make all kinds of wonderful-sounding promises.  She'll say she's learned her lesson and she'll never take you for granted again.  She'll declare she "looooooves you".  She may even try to entice you with sex.  I can promise you she'll keep up a "nice" routine until she's sure she has you trapped, then she'll go right back to the abusive, controlling, manipulative woman she really is inside. 

I know it's difficult to resist someone you feel you love, so it's best to follow no contact so the temptation isn't there.  It's like an alcoholic who needs to stay out of bars...why subject yourself to that temptation, especially when you are feeling weak and are "missing" her?

I sincerely hope you are able to stay strong and realize you're a wonderful man who deserves a woman who appreciates you, who SINCERELY appreciates you and doesn't just want to use you for her own selfish wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 2:03pm

I agree with the others.  I don't know where you read that about unconditional love, but I disagree.  I think you could love another person but there is no reason for anyone to put up with abuse.  I really feel the only unconditional love is the one that parents have for their children and even then it doesn't mean that parents just let their kids do whatever they want.  It means that if they misbehave, like normal children will all do, the parents won't stop loving them.  But I do not think it means that whatever your partner does to you, that you have to stay around & take being abused.  You need to love yourself also.  You will miss her for a while and also you have to get used to being single again, but then you'll be a lot happier not having to put up with her moods.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 4:02pm

I couldn't agree more with the others.  Unconditional love is for children.  And even so, unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional acceptance of all behaviors.  Example:  even my 12yo knows (as do his young-adult siblings) that your now-ex's behavior is unacceptable.  On the occasions when they have fits like that, they *know* they'd better say they're sorry, and they do, and they mean it, because taking out your anger on anyone else - but especially the people who love you and do for you - is WRONG.

My DH & I have been together for 30 years, and we have had to forgive each other, but we have also recognized when we needed to change.  We also know that some things cannot be put up with:  alcoholism or gambling, for example.  My husband doesn't need to do things to "earn" my love (though he does every day), but if he suddenly started being selfish or fell into addiction, there would be consequences for our marriage.  The same is true in reverse, of course.  Our *love* may be unconditional, but our tolerance for abuse is nil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 1:38am
That unconditional love thing? My personal belief is the only time we receive or give unconditional love is with our pets. I'm not sure I believe people do that with one another, we really do expect something in return, I think contrary to what we'd like to think, that's just human nature. My DH tells me I HAVE his unconditional love, but I don't think that phrase rings true, just don't. So many of us have had a lot of abuse thrown at us, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal...or all three. No one deserves that, although many of us become co-dependent and feel like we deserve it, then we get depressed and allow it to go on - it's easy to buy into bad treatment and hopefully at some point we either go or demand our partners get the help needed to make behavior changes. A relationship meltdown is to be expected, it's an enormous change to leave. Maybe part of the love you had for her was the "idea of it", you just had such big dreams for it and....she kept shooting them down. Just don't beat up on yourself, or anyone else. There are so many NICE people out there and you have to know already you have every chance to meet someone who will not treat you like #*%&. I do agree with one of the others - she does sound like the push-pull gal who will suck you right back in if you aren't careful, and she'll be all sweet and sugar until the other side of her shows up again. You deserve better, right?

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 9:25pm

alwaysaknight wrote:
<p>As a consequence of a recent post I left my girlfriend. The post was titled "im-not-emotional-punch-bag-or-am-i"</p><p>Things came to head last week after my parents visited. I hardly see them as I live in Gemany and they live in England.  Even so, the one night when I couldn't ride to her work to ride back with her (because i was cooking a lentil soup and cleaning the rabbits and waiting in for my parents and had a puncture) resulted in a big fight because I had promised we'd spend some time together. The fact is, I didn't have the time to go, gave her plenty of warning, couldn't exactly leave my parents in the cold, and had a puncture so would have had to walk for about 30 mins there and 30 minutes back.</p><p>Despite this, she gave me such a hard time and was pretty nasty to me about it all. In the end she started threatening the end of the relationship which has become a real constant over the last year.</p><p>So.. on Thursday morning of last week, the night after she had made this threat (including "when can you move out?, can you do it tomorow?") and then she decided to spend the night at a female friends house, i decided i couldn't take enough of this. A few friends mentioned a web site which is about emotional abuse in a relationship. It sounds like a pretty classic case. I gathered my things and moved out. Now I'm dealing with the relationship meltdown. Fingers crossed. I love this girl so much and miss her. But I feel like I was mistreated and can't take it. Such a shame. Ironically, she's now telling me she didn't mean all this stuff about me going and wants me to come back. But I have to let this go. :(</p><p>There were some wonderful times in the relationship. We had a connection. But the bad times, the anger, jealousy, controlling, isolation from friends/family, isolation from going out, pressure to run around after her, walking on egg shells, just became to much. In the end I thought of her as a kind of Jekyll and Hide. I tried my hardest to nurture the Jekyll and lived in fear of the Hyde. I read somewhere about unconditional love, and giving love even if your partner is horrible to you. But I can't do it. I can't live like that. I think there's only so far that unconditional love can take you. You can't unconditionally love someone who treats you this way? Surely.</p>

Unconditional love only applies to one's children and one's self.

All adults are loved on condition.

No, you cannot unconditionally love someone who treats you the way she treats you.  And she only is saying she didn't mean it because she doesn't want to go without, not that she sees that she treats you horribly.  She is being selfish, self-centered and self absorbed... and she can do that all on her own. Do not agree to see her or talk to her because you're in a vulnerable place right now and could easily be drawn back in to that mess.

The fact that she would draw the breath and form her mouth to insist that you spend the evening with her when your parents are in from out of town is breathtaking in its selfishness, boldness and audacity.

I'm sorry you're in pain right now, but trust me, the self confidence that you've exhibited from moving out is your self preservation drive.  You have to save yourself right now---swim to shore with all your might and never wade back out that far with a woman who is as wretched as she is.  There are women out there who will treat you kindly, supportively lovingly that you in turn will love back with equal measure.