I love him, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2011
I love him, but...
10
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 10:53pm

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months. He's a wonderful man, with many qualities I like and admire: funny, creative, caring, sweet. Yes, he has his quirks, many of which are indeed annoying, but we all do. Overall, he's a marvelous, very sweet person. But: he's nearly 20 years older than I am (43; I'm 25), suffering from back problems, and I'm simply not attracted to him.

Our sex life is dreadful. Firstly, while I think he's cute in a way, I don't find him at all appealing sexually, so I never initiate contact and find it somewhat stressful even to kiss him. Secondly, his back condition means sex is painful for him, so I worry about hurting him and feel worried and fretful afterward while he takes Advil and is visibly achey and grouchy. He seems to know I feel this way, and consequently he gets very clingy and needy, and will cuddle, snuggle, and crowd me until I fall out of bed or become skittish and rude. I've begun to have panic attacks.

But he's a wonderful man, and I do love him as a person and value him as a friend, and I would miss his friendship, support, thoughts, and companionship if we were to end things. Is attraction irrelevant in the face of good companionship and caring? Or is a lifetime of unsatisfying sex necessarily a recipe for disaster?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:20pm

Definitely do NOT wait until after the holidays. It won't make him feel better, he will actually feel lied to if he finds out you've been feeling this way for a while. And you will be forced to put up a facade of being sexually attracted to him during what most people make into a romantic time.

You can't have a relationship with someone you're not attracted to. That's called a "friend". Don't lead him on any longer... It's most likely that there will be hurt feelings that prevent you from maintaining this friendship immediately after. But it's possible that you could continue to be friends someday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 12:09pm

He's sounds like a great guy but I have to agree with Sienna.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 12:03am

If you plan to end the relationship........try to be nice about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:28pm
Sex is huge! I dated a guy where I never had enough sex. He was a jerk too. That ended, I said I would never be w/another man where we didn't have great sex. Perhaps if he was an amazing person, we would be together. But he wasn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2011
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 12:11pm

Thank you, everyone! I agree that it seems like this isn't meant to be a romantic relationship, as awful as that is. This is such a hard thing, since it seems so unfair!

Now I just have to figure out how one says "I'm not attracted to you, but I do love you as a friend," and if I need to wait until after the Holidays to say so!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 5:19pm

You can love someone and they can not be good partner material for your whole life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 3:40pm

This guy would be good as a friend, but not as a BF--there is no way at age 25 you should be stuck w/ a guy who repulses you so much physically that you don't want to kiss him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 1:12pm
I believe personally one of the key ingredients for a healthy long term relationship, you gotta find the person sexually attractive (along with all that other good stuff). Do you believe you have enough already to create a life with him? Why stay with only 8 months invested if you are so disappointed in the attraction and sex category?

It makes a love relationship separate from a companion relationship. You don't have a love relationship.

For Pete's sake you're 25! He's dragging you down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 1:23am

Notgreatatnames-

Hi. I think the big question here is how much you need and value sex in a relationship. If you have a strong drive and/or

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 12:00am

He's 18 years older than you, he's got a bad back, he's lousy in bed, and you're not attracted to him.....And at age 25 you're worried about "companionship"