I Love You?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
I Love You?
16
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:16pm
Is their a problem if my boyfreind of 1 year still hasn't told me he loves me?

He told me it might take him some time, but if he didn't see a future with me he wouldn't be with me. My concern is, how long ahould I wait - a year can be a short time or a long time.

I did bring it up a couple of time in our relationship but I had been drinking!

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Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:19am
James, Thanks for your input. However, I do think words are important in a relationship and in life. Words express intent, whether you are pledging marriage vows, saying the pledge of allegiance, taking communion in church, or swearing an oath.

The time-honored three words, I Love You, have always been cherished by people in a relationship. They do seem to express a deeper level of feelings.

I think the poster is trying to discern her guy's level of feelings for her. I do not think it is unreasonable to want to be with someone who has worked through their baggage of past hurts and who is mature enough to be able to verbalize what he feels. Being able to communicate verbally is not the only way to communicate but it is a very important and effective way to relate. It is, indeed, what separates us from all other animals.

Not being able or willing to say ILY can, indeed, be an indicator that the relationship is not progressing to the level desired by the poster. It is something to consider.

Actions are extremely important, but the words should also flow easily in a healthy relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:10am
I don't see what the big deal is. My boyfriend told me he loved me before I ever did, and it was atleast 9 months into the relationship. Even then we were a little uncomfortable about it, and talked about things and decided to hold off on the 'phrase' until we were both more comfortable with it. It really makes me mad as to how overused that phrase is, and how people feel forced to say it or force others to say it because they feel it needs to be said for a relationship to 'progress'. It should make you feel good that he holds those words so sacred and doesn't just say it to anyone. Would you feel better if he said it one month into the relationship? Then you'll know he's said it to most of the girls he's dated. Now wouldn't that make you feel special??? The timing really does depend on the person. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. A lot of guys are just really sensitive about those words, and he'll say it when he's ready.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:42am


Well, a year is a long time. One would have thought that by this point he would be able to say I love you. Perhaps he has some great fear of saying this, that it represents committment? At any rate, by this point in the relationship you have every right to know where the two of you are headed. Be open with him. Ask how he sees the future for the two of you. Perhaps he has a very different idea than you do. It never makes sense to wonder and imagine what the other is thinking. We do not know. Be open and ask. If he is evasive, or won't reply or communicate that is an answer itself. It means you cannot count on this person to go forward with. If you want a serious, committed relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself to find out what's really going on here.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:51am
It could be for any reason, but have you thought that maybe you have built it up to such a huge thing, he really feels unnatural saying it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:38pm

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/experts/saver/articles/0,,166898_272751,00.html


An interesting article considering the topic of this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: allaine1977
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:52pm
hi allaine...i was happy to see this question and appreciated reading the responses...i too am steady and exclusively dating a great guy for a year now and we haven't verbalized "i love you"...as many responded i also believe actions speak louder than words....i feel very loved by this man, he is sincere and good to me...to be honest, i would be uncomfortable if he had said those words tooo soon as i would wonder has he said this to most everyone he dates?!....i suspect many who say it prematurely are feeling infatuation rather than love....i'd be more distressed to have a man vow love to me and than have him discover we have too many incompatible issues and move on...i'd go so far as to think i'd prefer to hear those words at the point the couple is ready to share saying "i have given this great thought, i am not speaking impulsively, i believe you were made for me, we make each other happy, i truly love you, you are my love"....

i'm beginning to wonder, do some say it to everyone they date for a few months?...so many of my friends talk to me of their having fallen in love, only to hear them unhappy and breaking up sometime later...to me they said it prematurely and that could lead to hurt...even on tv i notice this, watching reruns of "friends" its amazing to see just how many lovers the cast have gone thru over the years and how they most always are talking of being "in love" with these temporary romances.

i *feel* this man loves me....i feel we consider to say those words as the biggest deal...i enjoy watching our love blossom slowly and falling more deeply in love every day...its thrilling to discover new things that make our faces light up for one another!...i think its actually sweet that we haven't said it yet, it keeps us eager and excited and anticipating, thats a thrill!...now mind you, we happen to be both single after long marriages, so we don't have any urgency to marry and start a family...we have the luxury of being unrushed...in fact on our very early dates, when our knees were weak with attraction for each other, he said a few times "lets not rush this, ok?"...i'm glad he's on the same page as me and that he proves he desires a mature love that is not impulsive....

good luck to you allaine!...i think your guy sounds sincere, i like that he let you know he wouldn't waste yours or his time dating you if his intentions weren't sincere.

honey

    

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