I love you, but I'm not in love with you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
I love you, but I'm not in love with you
6
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 1:04am
Dear Dr Shoshanna,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and just recently he moved in with me and my children. At the start of our relationship he had a girlfriend but I was so attracted to him, I actually fell in love with him from the begining, but he only saw our relationship as a friendship. We started having sex and that only made me fall more in love with him because that is our biggest compatibility. As time went on we developed such a good friendship we confided in each other for everything. When he broke up with his GF I thought that was my opportunity for us to have a relationship but instead he met someone else and got involved into another relationship, only to find out it was a mistake. I stopped talking to him for a while because he clearly knew how I felt for him and I felt betrayed. But that didn't last long, because sexually we can't keep our hands off of each other. Well he broke up with the this other girl then we decided that we will try to have a romantic relationship. He moved in and everything was good, but soon he started to become distant. At first we spent the weekends together doing things with the kids, but now it seems as if he is trying to stay busy in his work and keep himself away from home, so I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he loved me very much, but only as a friend and that he didn't love me romanticly. He feels that we are too different due to our diets (I don't eat red meat) and other factors. I have changed so many things about myself for him, and they are all for the better and I appreciate the change. I just don't understand how he could not be in love with me with all that we share. He doesn't want to move out we want to see what happens, but now I'm like a paranoid psycho questioning every little thing, like when he leaves the house or when the phone rings. I don't want to end the relationship because honestly it is the best I've ever experienced, but I don't want to wait too see what happens and one day he finds someone who he falls in love with and leaves me. I am very confused and I don't know what to do please help.........

Onya10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:48am
I have to tell you that non-Christian women should look for the right guys, not single young fathers. Believe me the biblical truth gives a clear warning that premarital sex is strictly forbidden in this Christian community because of religious morality. People who have had sex with their partners are not clean and they lose their sexual innocence. We're not allowed to have sex before marriages so that's not right. I believe that Paul is still working on his art every Sunday because he said the last time, "I have to work on my artwork all weekends. I have too much work to do. I have to take care of my son twice every week, Sunday and Monday. I don’t have time left for any sort of Sunday church services. For sure, I'll NOT go to church anymore. Don’t get me wrong here." When I read the sentences, I feel very disappointment about that. I feel that he didn't want to hear anything about God or Jesus Christ. True, he's the wrong guy to my dismay. I regret that I met him as the bad guy and I should never have dating with him.

I would advise please don’t spend too much time developing social relationships with guys who are not interested in you or not listen to what you say. Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:31am
Gee, they say love is blind...but is it deaf too? I understand that when you love someone it is hard to let go but he has told you right up front that "He wants to be Friends"...kiss of death girl. You deserve much more than this!!!!!!!! Be an example to your kids that relationships are a whole lot more than who is moving in with who. "red Meat?" Please. I don't eat red meat either but that doesn't make my husband and I just friends. You go girl...right out of that relationship!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:30am
If he has told you that he loves you but is not in love with you than you have your answer. Most likely he will never be in love with you. I think he is just "loving" the sex and that is not enough to make a relationship last. Move on! There is someone for everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:01pm


I've been through this before--so take my word for it.....

You need to leave. Or he does. Two of my previous bfs had tons of affection for me, and no problems being attracted to me, but weren't "in love" with me.

Run, run, run...when your bf DOES find a woman who he is "in love" with, he will leave, or start having an affair.

You are in love with him. He's plainly told you he isn't in love with you.

That's pretty much all you need to know.

Lesliee41

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:01pm
This is a very unhealthy situation (relationship) for you to be in. It's lovely that you are both so attracted to one another sexually, but it takes more than that for two people to be good for each other and to build a healthy, lasting relationship. This man sounds as though he is basically not at all committed to you as a person or to the relationship. He enjoys the sex, but finds many other things unsuuitable for him. He should not be living with you, having these kinds of feelings. Your concern that he will meet someone else is understandable (given his background with this), and also unhealthy for you. If he doesn't love, appreciate and value you as a person, then he shouldn't be there. You can't "make" someone love and appreciate you. Either he does or he does not. Although it will be hard for you, the best thing to do is to ask him to leave. Don't be dangled along in this way, it's bad for your self respect and it will not lead to a life that you want and deserve. Take the matter in hand and do what is right for you.

Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:02pm
I love all the replies, because it also sounds like my situation in a way. He hasn't fallen for me, although he hasn't said he only likes me as a friend. He did say that he doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me, but he might..not a good feeling for me. The sex has been amazing. I think that like those replies to your post, my guy is in it for the sex, too. Great advice. We should both take it.

Leave and wait for someone who will love you the way you want and need. It will be worth it in the long run.