I made a bad discovery?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
I made a bad discovery?
6
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:13pm
Ok...so I've been dating my boyfriend for several months now (we are still early in our relationship, but are very comfortable with our commitment to each other). A few weeks ago, I stayed at his house while he was gone to the gym. I discovered (honestly...I didn't have to pry) a photo album. As I flipped through the photos, I noticed the same girl..over and over and over (obviously this was the last girl he was in a relationship with, but we have never discussed that type of thing before). The last photo I saw of them together was in early 2003.

This last weekend, I was helping him put away somethings (he just moved into a new place) and ran across old letters and notes from this same girl--again from 2002 and 2003.

Am I over reacting to the fact that even though the relationship has been over for atleast 10-12 months, he still has old pictures (vacations they took, etc) and keeps all of her notes?

I also found a note from a girl, he had mentioned to me that he knew before (he recently moved from New England to where we both live today), that had a crush on him. He told me that they never had a relationship nor had he ever liked her, but the "note" seemed to have a different story.

I realize all of these things are in the past, but a) why keep them? b) how do I ask him about these things when he doesn't know that I found them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:09pm
Warning: Guys perspective, use at your own risk.

a) why keep them? Because they are part of his life, and they just happened recently. I am always amazed when people in new relationships, or any relationships, demand that all traces of old relationships be destroyed. Perhaps if it was an abusive or traumatic experience one might, but that is for the owner to decide. Evidently you are not quite as comfortable in this relationship as you state.

b) how do I ask him about these things when he doesn't know that I found them? To which I'll ask, why do you want to ask him about them? If it's curiosity, then perhaps show an interest in his life before you and share some of yours. If it's to 'confront' him or to let him know just how you feel about him not wiping the slate clean, think again. Again, you're either comfortable or your not and you would be best served to use your energy to find out why you are not comfortable in this, his current relationship.

As far as the discrepency of the note that implied the other relationship was more than he indicated, there are 2 sides. When I began dating my now-wife, I had a pursuer who told lies about her and I having a relationship. There may be any of several things going on there, but nothing serious enough to make a fuss over. In the past, you know?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:16pm
I don't see how this discovery is "bad". It's completely normal, IMO, to keep photos and mementos of past r'ships...it's part of your life! Just because a r'ship ends doesn't mean you have to purge your belongings of every reminder that your ex ever existed ;-).

I wouldn't ask about them and I wouldn't think anything of the fact that he has these things.

Sheri

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:22pm
What's the big deal? Everybody has a past and a lot of people keep momentos from their past. I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a person to basically erase all evidence of life before they met their current SO.

My advice is to accept that the man didn't just materialize on earth right before he met you and leave things be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:00pm
I have a big box I keep in my closet. I call it my memory box. It's full of old love letters, and photos of ex boyfriends. It's also contains my corsage from my senior prom, old report cards from elementary scahool, my girl scout badges, old diaries, concert stubs from the 70s, and tons of other memorabilia. I only look at the contents of my memory box very occasionally, and I smile at the memories they evoke but I do not at all want those times or people back in my life today.

I don't cry over lost loves or wish I was still a girl scout. They're just memories, and when I read an old diary or look at a photo of an ex-BF I smile over the memory of those good times, and feel very glad that the bad times are over as well - because my memory box includes reminders of those times too. I also feel amazed at how differently I approached life then and how much happier I am now than I was long ago. I'd never give up my memory box for anyone, and I'd question the emotional security of a guy I was dating if he felt threatened over it.

I suggest that you don't say a word to him about this, and understand that you can wipe out every trace and momento of the past, but that doesn't make the past non-existent. Why would you want to do that anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:53pm
Thanks you guys...you all are right about the past being just that, the past. I'm not a jealous person and I don't want to ruin the best relationship that I have had in a long time over "momentos"

Thanks to all of you who responded...just hearing other people's opinions (from what now seems to be a silly rant from me), makes me feel so much better!

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:11pm
That's good. Sometimes we all need an objective opinion to help get us back on track.