i make him "anxious"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
i make him "anxious"
4
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 3:18pm

so we've been together about 5 months. neither of us has ever loved anyone so deeply or connected with another person in a way that even compares to what we have with one another.

HOWEVER - we started having these really intense fights. and he has really severe anxiety disorder, so after the fights, his anxiety would/will be "up" for DAYS after. it got to the point that we broke up for a couple of weeks because he didn't think he could handle the way the conflict made him feel. the thing was, we both felt like we'd lost our soulmate.

so we are back together. i'm not so thrilled, though. a couple of reasons. one - i took complete responsibility for what i was doing to contribute to the intensity of the fights. i REALLY see what i was doing to escalate things. so i offered to look at that & work on changing it. he, however, said "i've been great in this relationship. i don't need to change anything." (he is a recovering alcoholic & i'm told this is a pretty typical attitude - but i don't like it) second - he gets anxious about being around me, saying he is afraid i'll do those things to him that i used to do. so i'm barely seeing him & he will cancel plans.

i feel his anxiety is out of control. he doesn't think so - he says it's perfectly under control when I AM NOT AROUND.

input please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 6:53pm

You need to lose this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 7:52pm

Yikes. How could you deal with all the anxiety of walking on eggshells, knowing that the next time he gets anxious it will totally be 'your fault' and he will expect you to take full responsibility????


Your first mistake was taking blame without asking him to communicate where he needs to take responsibility. I don't get it. Hasn't he been in therapy? Hasn't he learned sometime in his life where to take any blame for his feelings and actions? Your second mistake was dating him a second time.


'i'm barely seeing him & he will cancel plans. ...i feel his anxiety is out of control. he doesn't think so - he says it's perfectly under control when I AM NOT AROUND'


This is not anything you say to your 'soulmate'. Then do him a huge favor and walk away. If he thinks he is better of without you then let him be that way and this time don't get back together with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 10:05am
If a relationship can get this intensely bad where you're having blowouts and breaking up and igniting his anxiety disorder after only five months, that should be your warning sign to leave. I realize you have very strong feelings for him but if you stay, you're going to have a rollercoaster relationship that spins out of control. I've been here before, there's no good ending to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 3:25pm

Welcome to the board impudent1,


You've already received excellent advice.