I messed up big time
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I messed up big time
| Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:32am |
I have been married for almost 4 years to my dh and we have a 2 yo child and I have a 4 yo from a previous relationship (her bio father has never had anything to do with her, he pays child support but that is it, my dh has been daddy all of her life). We have had some problems, last year he had a one night stand that I forgave him for, although I have problems really forgiving him, I throw it in him face when I get upset about things like him going out without me. I feel bad and i Know it does not help but I can't get it out of my mind. Then a few months ago I told him I wanted to get my breast done and he got excited, I told him I just wanted to be normal, fit in normal clothes and not wear BIG padded bras anymore. His commet was, "if I am going to pay for it we are going to get what I want." He wants like a double D or something, I am a small person that just would not work. It made me feel terrible, although I know that is not what he ment by it, he is just thinking that he does not want to spen all that money for a small change. I felt like he just wanted me to do it bc he doesnt like the way I look now. And after I had my son I have had a hard time loosing the weight, well fat. I am still not big, I wear a size 7 jeans but I like to wear short shirts so I really want to loose the weight/fat so that I look good again, not so much for him but so I can feel good about myself. But he is always telling me stuff like "you fat is hanging out" or "you CAN NOT wear that" My dh is not a bad person he just sometimes says things and does not think about how they make me feel. Well the other day we where talking about going to the gym (which he will not do with me no matter how much I beg) He says according to the military he is overweight. I told him that I really wish he would try to loose some of his gut (he has begun to look like he is about 6 mos preg). He always says He has noone to impress. I told him that he does not even try and that he does not look anything like he did when we got married and he does not really excite me anymore <--------there is my big mistake. I did not mean it the way it came out but now he will not talk to me anymore. What I really ment is I want him to try to look good for me, I want other girls to look and him and say wow. But the main thing is it is not his body that does not excite me anymore, it is his attitude! When I made him tell me EVERYTHING that happened during his one night stand he told me it all started my a ride to the store and they where holding hands, well, he does not hold my hand EVER. He will not touch me in public, he barly touches me at home. He is very book smart where I am not so when I have trouble with something like that he is always telling me I am dumb or stupied. He never helps me out around the house, all he does is sit in front of the computer playing games. If I ask him to help by taking out the trash he gets all mad or he will say he will get it and then he never gets up from the computer and I end up doing it and then he says, I told you I would do it, but the thing is he wont. if I leave it for him to do and I go to bed, it will still be there in the am and he will say, "sh!t, I forgot", he always "forgets" I feel like his friends on the computer and in real life know him better then I do. He never wants to go out and do anything unless it is with his friends, if I ask he gets mad and it turns into a fight. I stay at home all day so I really just want to get out of the house and he just does not understand why. So with him not liking the way I look, and calling me stupied, and not getting any help around the house, I am tired and depressed and I don't want to really have sex with him. The only time he touched me in bed is when he wants sex. And lately he has even made me feel like a hooker or something, he does not kiss me, he licks his hand to get me wet (I know this sound bad) and does his thing, there is not love to it. He also has become obsessed with anal sex, I hate it, it makes me feel horrible and it hurts, I keep telling him this, one night I was bawling bc he hurt me so bad and he swore he would never try again but he keeps trying. I am so sad because I love my dh but he is hurting me emotionally all of the time, I really just need to be loved, I need him to hug me for no reason and kiss me, call home from work just to say I love you, bring me flowers, or just cook dinner and take care of the kids without me having to yell at him to help me. I don't know what to do, I want us to be happy and friends would be nice too, but if this does not get better I am going to have to leave, I can not contunie to do it all by myself, I really need help and love. I am going to try to get him to go to marriage counceling but if nothing works I am moving in with my mom, I need help! I am sorry this is so long but I really needed to get it all out. Thanks for reading this far if you did and any advise would be great to hear.

hi and hugs! wow - it sounds like your life is one big mess, doesn't it? honey
*ezizabef*
i don't know you, or him. all i can go by, is what YOU wrote in your posts. so here are some of the issues you raised:
1. <<>>
excuse me - but this is YOUR body and YOUR choice. he should not have said
From a former person who put up with this type of behavior on a daily basis, I hope that you will turn off your defensive mechanism for him and please just listen to me at the core of yourself, past what he has you thinking. I have been there, I lived there for way too long, and I would like to help. Unfortunately, the choice is yours to accept it or not. You can defend him and his actions and keep taking this type of behavior, or you can get up, STAND up and say NO MORE. There is only one path that you can take, one that you can choose. Please for your kids, choose well. Get it fixed or stopped but one of the two. The more you take, the more he will do. Your situation does not sound like its anywhere near where mine was, and I would love for your and your kids sake to see it stay that way, and to get better.
Honey, I know that to think on these things is hurtful, but what he is DOING is hurtful, and to more than you but also to your children, they are learning what is acceptable in a relationship by you two. That is the only reason that I left my first marriage, devastating as it was. To be blunt, I had loved him so very much but you CANT FORCE someone to do right by you, nor to love you. He didnt love me, he abused me in the end.
Mine started out with little things like that, "Youre stupid, fat ugly worthless, a horrible mother, a wh0*e, a waste of existence..." In my heart of hearts, though I was later able to find a very handsome man who thinks that I am the exact opposite of everything that my ex said to me, I believe the worst. Those types of words stay with you, they FEED on your insecurities, they break you down until you get in this ridiculous mindset that you cant get out, and even if you do life will be no better, because somehow you are less than he - and look how screwed up he is. With each time you hear those words, though you might not see it yet, he is tearing you down brick by brick and you wont notice the emptiness for some time, and by the time you do, you have been successfully programmed enough to take it forever.And it doesnt get better. You dont as much need counseling for your marriage, he needs counseling for his abusive and hurtful attitude. Marriage counseling would come later, I myself would say, because I feel the last thing that you need are reasons to keep staying when he is doing you like this. To me, it has to be WORTH saving for it to be successful and to do that, he has got to get rid of what he is doing.
I know that the larger part of you wants to say that he is a good guy, but you evidently dont feel that deep down. Deep down you evidently know what is wrong to do to another person. Wifely loyalty can be a wonderful thing, but it can also keep you in a very harmful and hurtful marriage where by all means you should at least be looking at his actions, and not your love of him to excuse them. I went through 80% of hell and existed only for those times of 20% heaven. And it wont get anybetter without a line drawn saying "You've just treated me as bad as I will ever take from you", and if they go past, leave.
Sweetie, do you know what the majority of men would do if they knew they EVER hurt you like that during sex? They would all but kill themselves. When you love someone, you dont want to bring them emotional or physical pain just so you can get what you want. That is control, though I know you dont want to see it that way. Its saying, "Yes it hurts you, yes you hate it, but I want what I want so deal with it all." sk1960 is very right, that is total control. He is also trying to get you to change your body to a way that you will dislike every bit as much as now, just the opposite end. Again, thats control.
Am I saying that you have made no mistakes? Of course not, for example throwing the old hurt back in his face. Its a hard thing to move past and we all WANT to get past it so we say we forgive before we actually do. We accept that it happened, but we dont forgive the person who did it, that takes time and rebuilt trust. I was no angel either, I did stupid things in my first marriage (I was 21, how could I not, considering how immature I was internally) I was not perfect either. BUT I do not see how anything that you do could warrant him hurting you so badly like that. Thats how I had to realize that I had to do what I did. For me, the best decision was leaving because I could NOT live like that anymore - it got to a much worse place by the time I finally left. For my daughters I had no choice anymore, and thank God I finally stood up for them, even though I wouldnt for me. At least that was a part of me he couldnt alter. though he likely would have in the end if I had stayed.
But plain common sense will tell us one thing, we all test boundaries of what someone else will find acceptable. They will only stop when you say that you are NOT going to take it. The more you take, the more they try and the worse it gets. Its human nature. We all, in a relationship do something stupid, make mistakes, but the thing that makes us respect one another is the knowledge that they will only take so much. Too far and youre alone.
I used to be such a doormat that I had 'Welcome' stamped on my back. People were NOT going to treat me any better as long as I lay there. I HAD to get up and say no, and it was one of the hardest things for me, because Id never defended myself, or even shown anger that I felt, in my life. My parents wouldnt let us express it to each other, we were to always get along, no matter what. Because of that, it bled over into life and I just took and took. But, the thing that we all had to learn later after we left the home was that anger is, in fact, a necessity for your life. Healthy anger shows someone that they cant do everything they want if you think its wrong. You have to learn the word "No" to stand up for yourself. The first time I expressed anger, I had let it get to the point to where everything came up at once and I nearly killed him. Through his neglect, he had hurt my infants. (Long story). I snapped, and it was the scariest thing in my life because I couldnt control myself for once, and I had always prided myself on that.
He wont get any better with any of this until he knows that he has to, thats the unfortunate part. One of you is going to have to change the situation, and since its him getting everything that he wants from you, even things that you let yourself get hurt to give, he is NOT going to be the one to do it. Youre hurt, youre being done wrong, its got to be you to draw that line and say thats it.
A common misconception is that an abusive marriage is where you walk around with black eyes all the time, scars all over your body, every day is hell. Rarely is it that, because we wise up more these days. They give you some wonderful days too, though. Thats what makes you think that there is hope, and the hope itself is why you stay."It'll get better, it'll get better" But we all forget that for it to get better, for the hurting to stop, SOMEONE has to stop it, and they arent going to be in the middle of doing it and a light come on. Its got to be the one that takes it to get it stopped.
Tell him "No" on the anal sex and tell him the reasons and that nothing will change your mind as you see it now. Tell him "No" on the enlargement just to spend thousands of dollars for what you still hate. Tell him No on calling you stupid, fat, etc... . Please, just stop this type of treatment now. The more you take, the more he's going to give until he finds your limit. Draw the line now, and once you get that one defined, start moving it back and start regaining your self-respect and self-worth.
I would not share your post with him. There is nothing that is going to make him miraculously, one day say to himself, "Wow, she is just as important as me"
The label "victim of Abuse" is a hard one to accept. I lived the life for years. It sucks the very soul out of you. You know it, I think, and that's why you can't seem to stop crying. You know you are at the breaking point and you are so afraid. He's conditioned you for a long time to believe that you are not a capable and deserving human being. It's all lies you know. All of it is lies. Why do they do it? Control. If you felt capable, you'd stand up to him. That won't work for him so he keeps you down. A man who truly loved you, would not treat you that way.
It wasn't until a little over a year after I was separated that I stummbled onto the "Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse" board, here at ivillage. Oh, how I wish I'd found it years before. I would not have put myself and my three children through so much pain and turmoil, if I had. Please go over there and check it out. Read the info on the boards homepage. Look over the profile of an abuser. You'll read all about your H. There are wonderful woman over there all of whom either have been or are still in abusive relationships. Many of whom have never been physically abused but, it's the scars that you can't see that take the longest to heal. At least come over to the board and lurk.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
well - i hope you are right and he is really out there getting help. sorry for being cynical - but i really doubt it, and i really doubt that YOU understand the extent of his abuse and control. those tears? sorry - btdt, this is such a typical and classic tactic.
please keep us updated --- i really really really feel for you, i have been in a similar situation and i know how hard it is to really look yourself in the mirror, look at your marriage and other relationships with a microscope and REALLY get to the core of the issues. i hope you get the help that you need and wish you all the best.