I messed up, didn't know it, too late?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
I messed up, didn't know it, too late?
14
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 9:37pm

I'm going to try to be as unbiased as possible with this, but I'm really upset. (...and yes, I'm a dude... this is my third thread I've started... all about the same girl.)

I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in my second year of college, she's in her last year of high school. We've been dating for almost 21 months now. We've had a lot of "firsts" together and share a lot of memories.

We had problems last year when she would get really worried about me when I went out to a party at school. I'm proud to say I fixed that after hours of her telling me to stop loving her and that she just couldn't stand me going out to parties and putting myself in danger.

Earlier this semester we had some problems where she didn't want to be bothersome and be that girlfriend who kept her boyfriend on the phone while his friends were out having fun. So she made me call her whenever I wanted to talk. But the time I said I would try to call, but didn't, she got very upset. Again, solved that, but not all the way as I'm sure it is tied to the current problem...

I live with three roommates, all guys, in an apartment on campus. We've only really got two sets of neighbors that we talk to: The four girls next door and two of the five girls a few doors down.

The girls next door are just of a casual "hey, how you doing?" or a stop and chat for a few minutes if the door is open or I (we, I guess) run into one outside.

However, my roommates and I have become really close friends with the two girls a few doors down. We hang out every weekend, spend time during the week just hanging out watching TV and stuff. Nothing major.

They are pretty girls... I cant lie. They're nice and they're fun to be around. But I've never seen them as anything more than friends... never will. I just don't see them like that... they're more like a "one of a guys" type of thing.

My girlfriend, however, feels very threatened by them. No matter the convincing I try to do, she says it wont work. She claims again and again that she knows I'm not cheating on her and not going to (and I never have and never will).

She says she feels like she's being replaced. She says she knows I wont replace her physically, but emotionally, she feels like she's being cast aside.

She has said to me that she fears I will fall for one of them... she fears I will find that I like one of them better... that I hold her (my girlfriend) at too high of standards and that she's not that great.

She said that all she sees are pictures from the nights we hang out. She says all she sees is me having a good time with these pretty girls that look like fun, but she doesn't know them. I tried to tell her to listen to me, not pictures, but she wont have it.

She said if I hung out with different girls all the time, it wouldn't be a problem. But because it's the same girls every time, it's a problem.

For a good while (a few weeks), I tried to convince her otherwise... pretty much called her crazy for feeling that way... try to brush it aside and hope she'd see that there was nothing to worry about.

But last night crap hit the fan...

One of my roommates is going through virtually the same thing... in fact, his girlfriend and mine have talked together about this before. My roommate's girlfriend finally kicked him to the curb last night. He did a little more for her to be worried about than I have: he's texted them, facebook messaged with them... all about nothing really. "Hey, we partying this weekend?" "Hey, you want to come over and watch a movie?" Now, this is all directed at or from him and HIS ROOMMATES (me and two other guys) to or from TWO GIRLS. I know he'd never hurt his girlfriend. (I've never any of the neighbors... never a phone call... never an instant message... never an email... never a facebook message.)

Well, my girlfriend and I had been talking about them the last couple of nights because they've been gradually breaking up. Usually, talk about them moved quickly to talk about us and quickly into arguments.

Last night it got terrible. We were just at each other's throats... (all over AOL... I know I know... it's just easier to say what's on your mind).

She keeps saying that I don't understand her. I do. I really do. I just know that the things she's envisioning aren't happening... that's why I get so frustrated with this. And yes, I do get really angry about this with her... mainly because I feel like she's being misled by these pictures that she says are "all she has."

I'm just going to post some snippets from our conversation last night... see what you think... (took names out for obvious reasons... I'll be G... she'll be A... and she's usually not this much of a potty-mouth... she only swears when she's REALLY upset... it's a good barometer.)

10:47:31 PM ME: because i know what REALLY goes on and how i really think
10:47:48 PM HER: BUT SEE I DONT G i DONT know these girls and i DONT see what goes on
10:48:00 PM HER: all i know is your best friends with them now
10:48:09 PM HER: me and are CLUELESS
10:48:20 PM HER: you know everyone i hang out with
10:48:37 PM HER: i know NO body, i dont know your "good friends" now
10:48:53 PM HER: all i know is they are pretty girls
10:48:57 PM HER: who are always over your apartment
10:49:01 PM HER: and you are over theirs
10:49:23 PM HER: is meaner than I am, she lost all trust in becuase he lied
10:49:34 PM HER: and says that those girls have nothign special about them and all this stuff
10:49:49 PM HER: i understand they are your friends
10:49:55 PM HER: its just liek, there is a comfort zone
10:50:46 PM HER: that is what meant... they were suprised that you and went over their apartments with them during the week and then partied with them every weekend...
10:51:04 PM HER: how come everyone i talk to can understand why i feel insecure or worried or upset... and you out of EVERYONE dont?

10:53:07 PM ME: listen, hun... you're talking to all these outsiders... they dont know anything about them either... why dont you BELIEVE me when i say there is nothign to worry about and that i dont see them that way... they're neighbors and friends... nothing more... but you dont believe me
10:53:44 PM HER: your right, i DONT becuase i dont know them, i cant judge them through you and as of right now, i rlly dont like them
10:53:54 PM HER: and everyone that i talked to sees it as in my position
10:54:03 PM HER: even said that i cant get to know them
10:54:28 PM HER: they understand that i dont know them, that is what makes it more difficult, and to tell you the truth, that probably wouldnt help anyway, because they are probably really nice and everything
10:55:41 PM ME: you dont know them, but you just assume the worst... why not believe someone that ACTUALLY knows them? why dont you believe the person that ACTUALLY experiences the emotions and knows that he isn't go to leave you or replace you with one of them
10:55:42 PM ME: ?
10:56:11 PM HER: see this is where you jsut dont understand, i trust you with everything, im still not going to like it
10:56:26 PM HER: no matter what, if i believed every word you said, i STILL wouldnt like it
10:57:37 PM HER: can you even try to flip flop things around?
10:57:41 PM ME: can you
10:57:42 PM ME: ?
10:57:48 PM HER: YES
10:58:00 PM HER: i can actually
11:01:57 PM ME: ok, so you're me... you have some neighbors at college that are boys... they happen to be nice (the only neighbors that aren't creepy or strange or anti-social)... you hang out with them... do things friends do... you know that nothing is going to happen because, i mean, you love your boyfriend... you know these guys well enough to know that they aren't going to get in between the two of you... but you're boyfriend gets upset every time you utter a name, hang out with them, anything... you just dont understand... i mean, you get his concern, but you try to reassure him again and again that nothing is going to happen and he just doesn't take it... he gets upset every time and makes you feel like you have to make a choice between your friends and your boyfriend
11:03:10 PM HER: one: i wouldnt get that good of friends with abunch of guys becuase well obviously im gonna feel uncomfortable abotu the whole thing, believe it or not, i wouldnt do that to you and two: i wouldnt have to choose between friends i just met or my boyfriend i have been dating
11:03:47 PM HER: i woudl be friens with them
11:03:50 PM HER: i wouldnt be best friends with them

11:07:44 PM ME: back to the other things, you mean to tell me that you'd be that girl that sits in her room at night, forced to talk to her boyfriend, while all her friends were out having a good time with your friends?
11:07:57 PM HER: no, i would be out having a good time with my friends
11:08:01 PM HER: but i doubt its the same ppl every night
11:08:13 PM HER: i doubt its two hott guys, the same two hott guys every night
11:08:38 PM HER: and my friends, probably girls
11:08:48 PM ME: friends, friends, friends
11:08:48 PM HER: ill have guy friends
11:08:56 PM HER: i know they are friends
11:09:06 PM HER: but i still dont like it, its a comfort thing
11:09:56 PM ME: so what am i supposed to do? "my girlfriend is afraid i'm going to leave her for one of you... crazy, i know... so I'm going to stay in tonight and be anti-social... that cool?"
11:10:04 PM HER: you
11:10:12 PM HER: im going to bed
11:10:19 PM ME: c'mon A
11:10:21 PM ME: help me out here
11:10:38 PM ME: you're telling me all this i'm doing wrong, but you're not giving me any way to fix it
11:10:57 PM HER: no, you, you dont want help, ya know what stay at penn state this weekend and have a blast with your friends, ill be with mine and we wont have to talk to each other and i dont care how good of friends you become with them

11:14:14 PM ME: you have nothing to worry about... nothing that i should have to make a choice over friends and you for
11:14:50 PM ME: A, i dont know what else to do... what am i supposed to do?!?
11:15:00 PM ME: help me out here
11:15:04 PM HER: you were supposed to realize what you were doing before
11:15:10 PM HER: you failed that little test
11:15:12 PM HER: and now its too late
11:15:24 PM HER: you are too great of friends with them so now im screwed to sit here
11:15:45 PM ME: a test... oh great
11:15:47 PM HER: im sorry, but if your that oblivious
11:15:56 PM HER: ... you and both were
11:16:04 PM ME: WE MADE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!
11:16:21 PM HER: yea, the same prety girl friends that you hang out with all the time
11:16:28 PM ME: SO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!
11:16:32 PM HER: the kind that sit in their sports bras and paint their chests
11:16:36 PM ME: there is NOTHING going on!!!!
11:16:39 PM HER: or wear push up bras
11:16:43 PM HER: all the time
11:16:51 PM HER: you still dont get it
11:16:56 PM HER: i know nothign is going on
11:16:56 PM ME: pictures, pictures, pictures
11:17:00 PM ME: no you dont
11:17:03 PM ME: that's what this is all about
11:17:05 PM HER: really, becuase that is all i go by G
11:17:08 PM ME: you keep telling me and telling me
11:17:15 PM HER: that is all i know about what you do up there with them
11:17:22 PM HER: and i know that isnt even aquarter of what goes on
11:17:38 PM HER: tis too late to do aynthing, obviously you are not willing to hang out with anyone else
11:17:57 PM HER: im goign to bed, i have a test first period tomorrow
11:18:12 PM HER: goodnight G
11:18:16 PM HER: hope feels better
11:18:26 PM ME: have a good night
11:18:31 PM ME: i'm sick of this
11:18:40 PM HER: yea well you too buddy

I went to text message after that... pretty much the same idea... she sent back that I "have no idea how hard had to fight with this" and that i never had to fight with myself. She said I "make it so hard" and I dont even know. She demanded I not come home this Saturday, which I am planning on doing to fix this, and that we should take a break if we keep talking to each other like this.

The main thing I got out of the conversations is that the damage is done. She said I was "supposed" to realize what I was doing wrong before I did it... that I "failed that little test" and I'm too good of friends with them now. She said it's too late to do anything because I'm not willing to hang out with anyone else. These two girls are who my roommates always hang out with too. I'm really close friends with my roommates so we do everything together.

I just dont know what do. We aren't on speaking terms right now. She posted in her AOL info (i know, i know) that it's my move and my job to fix it... that I know how she feels and she knows what I've said.

Help please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 10:53pm

Hi that_sensitive_guy,


I only found this thread from January:


long distance... oh boy...


Long distance relationships aren't easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:10pm

Sensitive guy, you DIDN'T screw up.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 2:24am

Thanks for the link, itwinflame.


Sensitive Guy, re-read the advice you were given in your last post.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 8:00am

There's nothing wrong that you've done.

I hope you realize that you're fighting a losing battle by staying in this relationship. The only way a high school relationship survives college is WITHOUT jealousy. I can completely understand where she's coming from, because really, most people who go away to college meet someone they want to date and then the old relationship is thrown by the wayside.

Your girlfriend is way too jealous and vindictive for your relationship to continue in a happy and fulfilling way. She may be a great girl, but she's still in high school. She's not very emotionally mature. She can't handle that you're meeting new people and some of them are female.

I went into college with a relationship like yours and am SO glad I left it. If you ask me you should break up with this girl right now. There's no way you can make her happy and be happy yourself at the same time. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people with no attachments and see where things go. I really think she's holding you back and when she gets to college herself, she will probably understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 10:39pm

So sorry you have to go through this... Having been in college (and living on campus) for several years, I've seen this situation *a lot*. It rarely ends well, especially if one of the couple isn't in college themselves. It's very hard to sit at home alone and watch someone else live college life. Yes, there's obviously immaturity and insecurity involved on your girlfriends' part, but her feelings are only human. Who wouldn't feel left out in that situation? At the same time, you deserve to live your college life to the fullest. Believe me, if you don't get out and socialise, you'll be missing out on A LOT and you will regret it.

I've personally experimented with different types of relationships throughout my college years and what I've found most satisfying was refusing to get into long distance relationships. I make it clear from the start: as soon as one of us changes schools or moves away after graduation, it's over. I've paid for it in breakups, but I've saved a lot of energy in drama. I've also made some great guy friends in the meanwhile.

That said, my strategy can't help you much since you've already been in a relationship for quite some time. The only suggestion I can think of is to introduce your girlfriend to these girls. Have a group chat on MSN or skype. Have the girls add each other on Facebook/myspace/whatever internet social thing you use. Also, in your other post, you mentionned that you visit her every few weeks or so. From now on, take turns visiting. This way she'll get to see your world and meet your new friends. If she can't drive, get creative. There are busses, trains and carpooling services to look into. With travelling, when there's a will, there's a way. Do what you can to include her in your day to day life and, chances are, she'll be feeling much more comfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Sat, 10-06-2007 - 10:54pm

That would work well if her parents weren't very strict.

Besides, she said she didn't want to meet them because she said they're probably nice and stuff.

I just dont know what to do.

I've been thinking about what everyone said... but...

I cant help but feel like I've wasted the last 2 years.

And I dont feel like anyone will ever love me like she does. I cried myself to sleep last night... no lie. She hasn't answered two texts today... I'm so scared... honestly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 6:40pm

Well, I was able to talk to her on the phone today...

She said she just feels like she's never in the back of my head. She says I do things a lot of the time that upset her and that it seems like I dont care about her.

The problem with that is she wont tell me when things are upsetting her until it's too late. She said she doesn't want to say anything to me because she doesn't want to be "that girlfriend," and she says she wants me to know these things on my own and think about her before I act.

I hate to use this excuse, but I am, in fact, a guy. And I cant read her mind. Maybe if she told me sometimes what bothered her, I would be able to figure out what would bother her in other situations... am I wrong?

Does she have a point in saying she's always telling me what upsets her and makes her uncomfortable and that I should have her in the back of my head sometimes?

She's always in the back of my head, I just didn't realize some of the things I did upset her so much.

She referenced me not planning on going to her senior night for soccer (there is a big football game on campus that weekend and I was doubtful I'd be able to get home... i'm going home now... I'm borrowing a friend's car).

She mentioned me making close friends with those girls of course.

She mentioned me playing a friendly game of soccer with those girls... she really loves soccer and I never really played with her before.

I'm not entirely sure what to think or do. I mean, do I do the things and just not tell her? Do I ask her if it's OK first? Do I just tell the people I'll sit out whatever they're doing?

And about being friends with those girls: the deed is done. I dont know how to make her feel better about that. I'm going to try to get out a little on weekends, rather than just partying with them in our apartments.

I think we'll be ok.

Any ideas though?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 7:32pm

Of course you can't read her mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 5:04am

"If you truly love a woman, you feel bad if she had a bad day or is upset about something. You don't try to cheer her up because you have to, but because you can't help it." This is a qoute i found along time ago and I think every men should go by it.

playing soccer with those girls and and u never play soccer with your gf does bug me too. I know you want to have fun and lost track of what is really important to you.

If she is really important to you, you will just think and say what if I do this, will it bother her? I know where you are coming from and I know where she is coming from. me and my bf had been in the same situation that you guys are in now. when i read your post I was like wow that exactly what we been thru. I am glad my bf choose me. :) He is still friends with the girls but everytime they hang out, he makes sure I am there too.

You should always spend more time with your gf than you have with any female friends. You guys need to have more open communication plan and actually listen to each other.

Hope this help,

ukia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 9:13am

Ukia, you offer some great ideas.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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