I messed up, didn't know it, too late?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
I messed up, didn't know it, too late?
14
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 9:37pm

I'm going to try to be as unbiased as possible with this, but I'm really upset. (...and yes, I'm a dude... this is my third thread I've started... all about the same girl.)

I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in my second year of college, she's in her last year of high school. We've been dating for almost 21 months now. We've had a lot of "firsts" together and share a lot of memories.

We had problems last year when she would get really worried about me when I went out to a party at school. I'm proud to say I fixed that after hours of her telling me to stop loving her and that she just couldn't stand me going out to parties and putting myself in danger.

Earlier this semester we had some problems where she didn't want to be bothersome and be that girlfriend who kept her boyfriend on the phone while his friends were out having fun. So she made me call her whenever I wanted to talk. But the time I said I would try to call, but didn't, she got very upset. Again, solved that, but not all the way as I'm sure it is tied to the current problem...

I live with three roommates, all guys, in an apartment on campus. We've only really got two sets of neighbors that we talk to: The four girls next door and two of the five girls a few doors down.

The girls next door are just of a casual "hey, how you doing?" or a stop and chat for a few minutes if the door is open or I (we, I guess) run into one outside.

However, my roommates and I have become really close friends with the two girls a few doors down. We hang out every weekend, spend time during the week just hanging out watching TV and stuff. Nothing major.

They are pretty girls... I cant lie. They're nice and they're fun to be around. But I've never seen them as anything more than friends... never will. I just don't see them like that... they're more like a "one of a guys" type of thing.

My girlfriend, however, feels very threatened by them. No matter the convincing I try to do, she says it wont work. She claims again and again that she knows I'm not cheating on her and not going to (and I never have and never will).

She says she feels like she's being replaced. She says she knows I wont replace her physically, but emotionally, she feels like she's being cast aside.

She has said to me that she fears I will fall for one of them... she fears I will find that I like one of them better... that I hold her (my girlfriend) at too high of standards and that she's not that great.

She said that all she sees are pictures from the nights we hang out. She says all she sees is me having a good time with these pretty girls that look like fun, but she doesn't know them. I tried to tell her to listen to me, not pictures, but she wont have it.

She said if I hung out with different girls all the time, it wouldn't be a problem. But because it's the same girls every time, it's a problem.

For a good while (a few weeks), I tried to convince her otherwise... pretty much called her crazy for feeling that way... try to brush it aside and hope she'd see that there was nothing to worry about.

But last night crap hit the fan...

One of my roommates is going through virtually the same thing... in fact, his girlfriend and mine have talked together about this before. My roommate's girlfriend finally kicked him to the curb last night. He did a little more for her to be worried about than I have: he's texted them, facebook messaged with them... all about nothing really. "Hey, we partying this weekend?" "Hey, you want to come over and watch a movie?" Now, this is all directed at or from him and HIS ROOMMATES (me and two other guys) to or from TWO GIRLS. I know he'd never hurt his girlfriend. (I've never any of the neighbors... never a phone call... never an instant message... never an email... never a facebook message.)

Well, my girlfriend and I had been talking about them the last couple of nights because they've been gradually breaking up. Usually, talk about them moved quickly to talk about us and quickly into arguments.

Last night it got terrible. We were just at each other's throats... (all over AOL... I know I know... it's just easier to say what's on your mind).

She keeps saying that I don't understand her. I do. I really do. I just know that the things she's envisioning aren't happening... that's why I get so frustrated with this. And yes, I do get really angry about this with her... mainly because I feel like she's being misled by these pictures that she says are "all she has."

I'm just going to post some snippets from our conversation last night... see what you think... (took names out for obvious reasons... I'll be G... she'll be A... and she's usually not this much of a potty-mouth... she only swears when she's REALLY upset... it's a good barometer.)

10:47:31 PM ME: because i know what REALLY goes on and how i really think
10:47:48 PM HER: BUT SEE I DONT G i DONT know these girls and i DONT see what goes on
10:48:00 PM HER: all i know is your best friends with them now
10:48:09 PM HER: me and are CLUELESS
10:48:20 PM HER: you know everyone i hang out with
10:48:37 PM HER: i know NO body, i dont know your "good friends" now
10:48:53 PM HER: all i know is they are pretty girls
10:48:57 PM HER: who are always over your apartment
10:49:01 PM HER: and you are over theirs
10:49:23 PM HER: is meaner than I am, she lost all trust in becuase he lied
10:49:34 PM HER: and says that those girls have nothign special about them and all this stuff
10:49:49 PM HER: i understand they are your friends
10:49:55 PM HER: its just liek, there is a comfort zone
10:50:46 PM HER: that is what meant... they were suprised that you and went over their apartments with them during the week and then partied with them every weekend...
10:51:04 PM HER: how come everyone i talk to can understand why i feel insecure or worried or upset... and you out of EVERYONE dont?

10:53:07 PM ME: listen, hun... you're talking to all these outsiders... they dont know anything about them either... why dont you BELIEVE me when i say there is nothign to worry about and that i dont see them that way... they're neighbors and friends... nothing more... but you dont believe me
10:53:44 PM HER: your right, i DONT becuase i dont know them, i cant judge them through you and as of right now, i rlly dont like them
10:53:54 PM HER: and everyone that i talked to sees it as in my position
10:54:03 PM HER: even said that i cant get to know them
10:54:28 PM HER: they understand that i dont know them, that is what makes it more difficult, and to tell you the truth, that probably wouldnt help anyway, because they are probably really nice and everything
10:55:41 PM ME: you dont know them, but you just assume the worst... why not believe someone that ACTUALLY knows them? why dont you believe the person that ACTUALLY experiences the emotions and knows that he isn't go to leave you or replace you with one of them
10:55:42 PM ME: ?
10:56:11 PM HER: see this is where you jsut dont understand, i trust you with everything, im still not going to like it
10:56:26 PM HER: no matter what, if i believed every word you said, i STILL wouldnt like it
10:57:37 PM HER: can you even try to flip flop things around?
10:57:41 PM ME: can you
10:57:42 PM ME: ?
10:57:48 PM HER: YES
10:58:00 PM HER: i can actually
11:01:57 PM ME: ok, so you're me... you have some neighbors at college that are boys... they happen to be nice (the only neighbors that aren't creepy or strange or anti-social)... you hang out with them... do things friends do... you know that nothing is going to happen because, i mean, you love your boyfriend... you know these guys well enough to know that they aren't going to get in between the two of you... but you're boyfriend gets upset every time you utter a name, hang out with them, anything... you just dont understand... i mean, you get his concern, but you try to reassure him again and again that nothing is going to happen and he just doesn't take it... he gets upset every time and makes you feel like you have to make a choice between your friends and your boyfriend
11:03:10 PM HER: one: i wouldnt get that good of friends with abunch of guys becuase well obviously im gonna feel uncomfortable abotu the whole thing, believe it or not, i wouldnt do that to you and two: i wouldnt have to choose between friends i just met or my boyfriend i have been dating
11:03:47 PM HER: i woudl be friens with them
11:03:50 PM HER: i wouldnt be best friends with them

11:07:44 PM ME: back to the other things, you mean to tell me that you'd be that girl that sits in her room at night, forced to talk to her boyfriend, while all her friends were out having a good time with your friends?
11:07:57 PM HER: no, i would be out having a good time with my friends
11:08:01 PM HER: but i doubt its the same ppl every night
11:08:13 PM HER: i doubt its two hott guys, the same two hott guys every night
11:08:38 PM HER: and my friends, probably girls
11:08:48 PM ME: friends, friends, friends
11:08:48 PM HER: ill have guy friends
11:08:56 PM HER: i know they are friends
11:09:06 PM HER: but i still dont like it, its a comfort thing
11:09:56 PM ME: so what am i supposed to do? "my girlfriend is afraid i'm going to leave her for one of you... crazy, i know... so I'm going to stay in tonight and be anti-social... that cool?"
11:10:04 PM HER: you
11:10:12 PM HER: im going to bed
11:10:19 PM ME: c'mon A
11:10:21 PM ME: help me out here
11:10:38 PM ME: you're telling me all this i'm doing wrong, but you're not giving me any way to fix it
11:10:57 PM HER: no, you, you dont want help, ya know what stay at penn state this weekend and have a blast with your friends, ill be with mine and we wont have to talk to each other and i dont care how good of friends you become with them

11:14:14 PM ME: you have nothing to worry about... nothing that i should have to make a choice over friends and you for
11:14:50 PM ME: A, i dont know what else to do... what am i supposed to do?!?
11:15:00 PM ME: help me out here
11:15:04 PM HER: you were supposed to realize what you were doing before
11:15:10 PM HER: you failed that little test
11:15:12 PM HER: and now its too late
11:15:24 PM HER: you are too great of friends with them so now im screwed to sit here
11:15:45 PM ME: a test... oh great
11:15:47 PM HER: im sorry, but if your that oblivious
11:15:56 PM HER: ... you and both were
11:16:04 PM ME: WE MADE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!
11:16:21 PM HER: yea, the same prety girl friends that you hang out with all the time
11:16:28 PM ME: SO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!
11:16:32 PM HER: the kind that sit in their sports bras and paint their chests
11:16:36 PM ME: there is NOTHING going on!!!!
11:16:39 PM HER: or wear push up bras
11:16:43 PM HER: all the time
11:16:51 PM HER: you still dont get it
11:16:56 PM HER: i know nothign is going on
11:16:56 PM ME: pictures, pictures, pictures
11:17:00 PM ME: no you dont
11:17:03 PM ME: that's what this is all about
11:17:05 PM HER: really, becuase that is all i go by G
11:17:08 PM ME: you keep telling me and telling me
11:17:15 PM HER: that is all i know about what you do up there with them
11:17:22 PM HER: and i know that isnt even aquarter of what goes on
11:17:38 PM HER: tis too late to do aynthing, obviously you are not willing to hang out with anyone else
11:17:57 PM HER: im goign to bed, i have a test first period tomorrow
11:18:12 PM HER: goodnight G
11:18:16 PM HER: hope feels better
11:18:26 PM ME: have a good night
11:18:31 PM ME: i'm sick of this
11:18:40 PM HER: yea well you too buddy

I went to text message after that... pretty much the same idea... she sent back that I "have no idea how hard had to fight with this" and that i never had to fight with myself. She said I "make it so hard" and I dont even know. She demanded I not come home this Saturday, which I am planning on doing to fix this, and that we should take a break if we keep talking to each other like this.

The main thing I got out of the conversations is that the damage is done. She said I was "supposed" to realize what I was doing wrong before I did it... that I "failed that little test" and I'm too good of friends with them now. She said it's too late to do anything because I'm not willing to hang out with anyone else. These two girls are who my roommates always hang out with too. I'm really close friends with my roommates so we do everything together.

I just dont know what do. We aren't on speaking terms right now. She posted in her AOL info (i know, i know) that it's my move and my job to fix it... that I know how she feels and she knows what I've said.

Help please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 11:22am

"This is a great piece of advice when you're dating a normal person. But his girlfriend is nutty and EVERYTHING he does worries her. She's bothered by him leading a normal life. If he was to live a life that didn't bother her, he'd never leave the house or go to another party."

I agree with you; when you are dealing with someone who is jealous, no words can change how they feel. She, like a lot of other girls her age without much dating experience, has unrealistic expectations. OP, you could promise to marry her and get rid of all your female friends and acquaintances and it wouldn't be enough for her. I've been in her position when I was her age (eerily recently); I swear, if there was something you could do or say to convince her otherwise then I'd tell you. Re-read that IM conversation you had with her. That's an irrational, jealous person who is unable to handle your current relationship. It's scary how much of my 17 year old self I saw in what she was writing. That is a place in my life I never want to revisit, I wasted a lot of time being irrational and it didn't stop until I was in the midst of college, grew up, and dated other people.

I know you don't really want to hear it but a person who is insistent upon holding you back during one of the most important times of your life, especially because she is afraid for HERSELF, is not someone who fits in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Mon, 10-08-2007 - 8:07pm

"That would work well if her parents weren't very strict."

If she's still living by her parents' rule and can't travel on her own yet, then she's far from being at the same point in her life as you are. You're a young adult, she's still a child. This can cause a lot of tension in a relationship at the best of times.

"Besides, she said she didn't want to meet them because she said they're probably nice and stuff."

If she refuses to be included, she's not really in a position to complain, isn't she?

"I cant help but feel like I've wasted the last 2 years."

It always makes me sad when people here post that they feel like they wasted their time in a relationship just because it won't last forever. Most relationships don't last forever. Heck, in this day and age, most MARRIAGES don't last forever. Just because a relationship ends doesn't keep it from being meaningful. You had good times together, right? Then the relationship attained its goal. You don't get into a relationship thinking that one day it will make you happy. You get into a relationship because it feels good. No matter what happens, you'll always have your happy memories. In addition to that, with every relationship you get into, you learn tricks, you gain experience, you form a clearer image of your preferences. Personally, every relationship I've been in has been easier and more satisfying than the one before because I've become more skilled at relationships and at choosing partners. I've never, ever, had a relationship that was a waste of time.

"The problem with that is she wont tell me when things are upsetting her until it's too late. She said she doesn't want to say anything to me because she doesn't want to be "that girlfriend," and she says she wants me to know these things on my own and think about her before I act."

This was me a few years ago. I think this kind of behaviour is normal for someone her age, I believe its mostly inexperience. (Although we do get posters here who are much older yet still expect men to read their minds) The way I grew out of it was to date different guys, try out different strategies and learn the hard way that I have to use words to communicate my needs. I know its not an answer you want to hear, but the only way your girlfriend will grow out of it is through experience, which probably won't include you.

"I'm not entirely sure what to think or do."

How about asking her what she thinks you should do. Then you can suggest what you're willing to do. Afterwards, you discuss it and come to an agreement. Airing grievances is a normal part of a relationship, however, unless you focus on finding solutions together, you're not fixing anything.

One thing I've noticed is that you're quick to feel remorseful. Its great that you're taking responsibility for your actions, nevertheless, a (romantic) relationship is between TWO people. If she's not willing to do her part and work with you, then you don't have a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 9:34pm

So far we're very good. I go home tomorrow, so we'll see.

I have to be honest, I can't help but think sometimes that I'm not in the best situation I could be in.

I dont want to be held back in my college life, but she's does do that to me, I guess. As much as she claims she doesn't want to, she does.

I've invested a lot in this relationship... probably looked a little too far in the future than I should have. She's a great girl, and I would hate to see her hurt, and GOD would I hurt.

She hates my best friend and he doesn't like her, even though they used to be friends, before she and I dated.

And you are all right... she's jealous, self-conscious, immature.

At the same time, though, I think it's just the distance. We have a great time when I'm home. We had a superb summer and were great before I left for school over a year ago.

I love the girl to death, but I feel like SHE doesn't understand ME sometimes.

We try to talk. I try to ask her what she wants me to do and I can never get a strait answer. She doesn't want to control me, but it's like that's all she does.

Maybe we're both in denial, I dont know.

I'm just not sure she appreciates me and understands what I do for her. I dont mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a really good boyfriend. I think it, my friends have told me that before.

I told her in a fit of rage that she didn't appreciate me and she just responded that I didn't appreciate her and that I had no idea what she goes through.

I know her problem: She just sits at home and thinks about what I'm doing all the time. She doesn't go out with her friends. She's constantly doing work for school (she's one of the hardest working people I know... no lie) and rarely gets out. She just waits for something to happen at home. She wont ask any of her friends if they want to hang out, wont ask what anyone is up to; she waits for them to ask her.

So she sits at home and thinks the worst... she's that type of person (I do the same, I just eventually realize how crazy it is, unlike her).

I dont know... hopefully we can talk this weekend about serious stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 10:11pm

1) I can really put myself in this girl's shoes. I am a freshman in college too and I am in a relationship with a guy who goes to my campus. I am an out-of-state student so I am kind of afraid what will happen this summer because I know I can jump to bad conclusions at times. I can definitely understand why your girlfriend is insecure.. And I can definitely see why she thinks you may fall in love with one of these girls. What worries me is that I can relate to this girl so much that I too must have strong insecurities that could one day cost me my relationship...

2) Advice: I'm sorry but I think it is best to break up. The fact that she is giving you "tests" is a little scary in my opinion and immature. You are being a really good boyfriend by trying to work with this girl so much and not arguing with her, but doing whatever you can to work with her... Here's my suggestion.. If you don't want to officially break up.. maybe you guys should take a break until she graduates and you go back home for the summer. Give both of you guys time to grow on your own (21 months is a long time at this age!). Then when the summer comes, get together and see if you guys are still in love. If you guys were meant for each other, you will find your way back together after taking time for yourselves. If you're not meant to be together.. then by taking the break now you will save yourselves from many arguments and frustrations.

I know it's a hard option.. But I think after everything you've done it is your only option, I am sorry my friend :(

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