I moved with my husband....
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 10-20-2008 - 3:53pm |
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We met, fell madly in love and got married after three months together. We had both been in long-term relationships and neither of us ever intended on getting married (we are in our mid-30s) but when we met we knew we were meant for each other. The fisrt year together was amazing. My husband wrote me love letters/notes every day, he told me how much he loved me all the time and told all his friends and family he had never been happier. I had never been happier either! Everyone who knew us said that we had something incredibly special - a once (if ever) in a lifetime kind of love. We ere soulmates. I was finishing my MS in Oregon and he was able to schedule his work around my school so we could spend most of our free-time together. School was challenging for me and I have had some severe medical problems due to an accident I had before I met my husband. We were both professional extreme athletes and I had had a bad accident before meeting him. I know the medical issues were hard for him but I am a very determined person and continue to excel as an athlete. Most people have no idea the pain I have to deal with on a fairly regular basis.
We had both always dreamed of moving to the Yukon and three months ago we finally moved. The first week we moved here I had a relapse of my injury which is normally controlled by medications/physical therapy/cortisone injections etc. I got really depressed as I was heavily medicated, very lonely and in a new remote location with new doctors and far from all my friends and family. After 2 months of doctors and horrendous medications I asked my husband if we could move back to Oregon in a year if things did not work for me here and he relplied that the Yukon has always been his dream and that he would not have married me if I had not wanted to move here. Soon he after handed me divorce papers and said if I couldn't "get it together" than I could leave. He also said he had not loved me the same way as when we met for over a year! I am at fault here as well however as when I need to start up the pain medications/nerve blocks again I get really anxious and moody. When I have gotten frustrated I told him I wanted a divorce. I never followed through with divorce apapers or stopped wearing my ring. I also apologized profusely after I felt better, explained that the meds made me moody/angry and told him I loved him forever no matter what -- that it was just the medications. I even started seeing a counselor to help me cope better.
I know my injury has been difficult for him, but I am an extremely accomplished, intelligent and attractive woman depite it. There have been many men who have wanted to marry me but I have never loved anyone nearly as much as my husband. I had no idea he didn't love me as much as he had loved me when we first met until recently as he seemed to be the same extremely loving man as when I met him. Until three months ago he still told me, his friends and my family that he loved me more than anything in the world and would do anything to make me happy. Now, he says we can stay together if I agree to stay here, but that is his plan and he will not change. I love him more than anything in the world but I am miserable here -- I am lonely and scared and he doesn't even wear his wedding ring anymore. He says that none of the guys up here wear rings because of their work, but he would not take his ring off for a second over this last year! He misplaced it once when he took it off to go kayaking with me and made me look for it with a metal detector for two days from sun-up until sundown until we found it! I have never been happier in my life than being married to this man. I am heart-broken and confused. I understand he loves it here, but am I wrong to think our marriage is our priority and that we could find a place that works for us both? I am devastated and know I will never love anyone as much as my husband. Thanks for any advice.

Welcome to the board shixon,
::I understand he loves it here, but am I wrong to think our marriage is our priority and that we could find a place that works for us both?
Of course you aren't wrong, however that point-of-view would have to be shared by him to make your marriage work.
Welcome to the board,
Marriage and relationships in general have to involve compromise.
glitter-graphics.com
Thank to both of you for your replies :) As for the question regarding compromise, yes, he has been willing to compromise in the past. He stayed with me in Oregon for a year while I finished my Masters even though he was packed up to move the week before we met. I know this was hard for him and appreciated it tremendously. And, I have considered staying here with him. I asked him if we could at least go back to Utah or somewhere warm and sunny for a week this winter but he says that is impossible. My parents very generously gave us money for a new car as they knew we were starting over up here and struggling finacially while I looked for work. I thought we could use some of that money as we never got a car (long story) but my husband says he already spent it and I "owe it to him for rent" for this year anyway. My parents are frustrated too as they paid *all* my medical expenses this last year to help us get through our first year of marriage with as little stess as possible -- my bills including health insurance were nearly $20,000. My husband did not contribute a penny to my healthcare although he was very supportive so I didn't mind.
Again, as I write this it seems clear I should leave, but it is difficult to explain how truly amazing a husband he was for that first year -- incredibly supportive, compassionate, generous and loving. I had never experienced anything like that in a relationship. I would have done anything for him. I don't know if he will try counseling. I suspect he will say it is too expensive. I personally beleive that a marriage is worth working for and that we shouldn't just give up. However, I agree that he has to believe that as well and I guess he doesn't. I just don't understand how he could change so quickly?! He says he hasn't felt the same way about me for a year, but he never told me that and never acted any differently. I never would have moved *so* far from home, my friends and my family if I had known his feelings had changed. Again, I have been sick and I understand that it is hard for him, but I still finished my Masters and was even recently recognized as the most accomplished female in my sport! I had to give that up too due to the move, which breaks my heart -- it was my greatest passion in life asides from my husband. Thanks for the advice. It is nice to have someone to "talk to."
Do you have a job?
I just wanted to thank you all again for your replies. Sadly, I am starting to believe that it is indeed the case that my husband simply does not want anyone to interfere with *his* plans for *his* life.
I tried talking to him again last night and he told me that I just "don't get it" and he wants me out by November 1rst. Unfortunately, I do not have a job here. There are very few companies who employ people in my field in this area -- it is a 4 hour round-trip commute to the city. I have nothing. I paid for my education and health expenses without my husband's help as I didn't want to be a burden on him. He also said if I tried to get a penny from him he would "put me through the ringer." I know this must sound as if I am leaving out some critical information -- that I must have done soemething horrible to be treated this way, but I have not. I have made mistakes but do not believe I deserve to be treated with such hatred. He works a bit, but just decided a few days ago to go back to school-- he put it on his credit card. Meanwhile, my parents are now paying all my medical bills until I am healthy enough to work again.
I asked him about any sort of compromise -- living in different locations, separation etc. but he said he will not tolerate "ultimatums." He told me last night that he hasn't really loved me for a long time anyway. Well, again, thank you all for your help and perspective. It is greatly appreciated :)
I am so sorry.