I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
I need advice
7
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:17am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:49am
beautimisswife...

Pianoguy read your post twice...and all he could ask himself was: IS THIS GIRL LYING? But giving you the benefit of the doubt...I'll assume you're NOT!!

You can apologize into the year 2010...but you should have taken your husband's cue the moment he became "uneasy with the man!" But your desire to see the 'acquaintance' one last time was much more important, right? So you ignored your husband's reservations and did what you pleased! What on earth were you thinking?

Maybe a little marriage counselling might help? Your profile indicates that you have some terrific qualities and desires....but maybe ONE OF THOSE DESIRES should be making a promise to yourself to STOP LYING ONCE AND FOR ALL???

Since you enjoy Disney (probably as much Pianoguy does), can I use a parable from the movie: PINOCCHIO? The blue fairy isn't available to make your nose grow into a bird's nest whenever you tell a lie, but if TRUST is truly important in your marriage...maybe you ought to ask your husband EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN DO to show him that HE will be the ONE AND ONLY MAN in your life...today, tomorrow and into the next century? If he has the guts to give you an HONEST answer...and doesn't blow you off instead...try taking his suggestions!

Maybe they'll save your marriage?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:02pm
You lie about everything becuase you're immature, insecure, emotionally driven, and lacking in self-esteem.

You basically see everything in terms of "how it makes me feel or would make me feel" and then you proceed to do it or avoid it. And then when you get results of your actions that aren't "postive feelings" - you want them to go away.

That's why your husband doesn' trust you...you're not trustworthy.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2000
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:44pm
I don't think there is a quick fix to your problem.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:14pm

Heidi,


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thjilly.gif image by SommerSunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:29pm
Sommer,

something to consider is this....alliance causes impact.

So, if you were reverse this situation - and instead of you doing what you're doing - it was being done to you by him....what would you feel and how would you respond?

You see, feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not what you use to determine what to do in situations to get your desired results. Feelings are important....but they're a result of your perception of self, your goals, in light of the situation at hand.

So the time that you have a feeling about a particular situation or event - it is already in a state of change. Because situations are continuously changing with every moment that passes with actions, decisions and words - only a small portion of which you control.

Trust, acceptance, love - those are not feelings. They're status quos that result from the interaction between people - and if they share values, standards and priorities - as those things justify and entitle you to your actions, decisions, words, ideas, desires, thoughts, and feelings in all situations and determine your character, conscience, integrity and honor in all situations - what is a result of the shared values and interests and priorities is trust and acceptance - possibly love. It's because they value what they do - and they conduct themselves as you do - that allows you to know that your best interest isn't something they have to compromise or concede their wants and desires to consider in situations that you don't control.

What would be an excellent idea is the following...since really "why" you lie isn't as impactively significant right now is "that you lie' and the results that it causes you.

Stop lying. Simply stop finding reasons, justifications nad excuses - primarily those things are likely stemming from "feelings you want to avoid having". Such as somenoe disapproving of what you wear - so you don't put it on till they leave, and get it off prior to their return - and then just omit that you wore it, or lie if you're asked outright.

All you're doing is avoiding "having a feeling"...and if lying about anything is something that you cannot ever again find a justification to do...here is what will result.

Right now - your thinking process is running along a line of "I want to do "X" but it will get me "Y" result - which I don't want, adn that will have "Z" feelings attached which I really don't like or want either. So, I wll do "X" and lie about it, which will have you avoiding the consequences of doing it in the immediate realm - while you get to enjoy having done it and the feelings it inspires/results it got - in secret - right now.

Simply "stop lying" - and what you'll find is that you must think about what it is that you're going to do in terms of "the results that you'll get"..and the feelings that will result from the results you get. And if doing "X" isn't worth doing out i the open in public in full view - it's probably not worth doing anyway.

"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama

In that light - the dynamic in these relationships is equality based, mutually beneficial and honestly communicative.

If a dynamic exists that is a power struggle, or of a supervisory/submissive type - what you've got is one partner continuously struggling to be heard.....while never speaking up. Doing what they want behind the partner's back...and then having the results impact the partner.

That leads ot lots of trying to supervise, manipulate, control, threaten, or limit the options of each partner. You two didn't get together to change one another, to make the othe rinto what they weren't...you two got together to enhance who you each were as individuals - while enjoying the companionship of one another.

What will result also when you stop lying...is that "why you lie" will be apparent to you. Because this behavior pattern is utilized to avoid addressing those very issues and problems. When you cease to utilize the behavior pattern to avoid the problems...you do two things.

First, you bring the true issue to light that you're attempting to avoid so that it can be addressed and resolved within you. That'll cease you wanting to lie, or being emotionally upset by "not lying" and it'll have you valuing and prioritizing and thus conducting yourself in an openly honest way with everybody at all times.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:07pm
I'm sorry about your situation. I've actually been on your husbands side of it before, and it hurts probably more than you will ever know. I would suggest counseling. You said in your post that you lie about everything, big and small from outfits you might wear to betraying your spouce and keeping a secret relationship with another man. I know you might not think it was a relationship, but even a secret friendship is a relationship. I think you need to think about why you did it. You knew the whole time that it was wrong, yet you just disregarded it and just did whatever you wanted to not caring what the outcome would be. Since this is not an isolated incident (you said you lie about small and big things often) I wouldn't make counseling the last resort. This isn't about you and your husband, this is about your need to lie. In the past have you only lied to him or have to lied to others? I'm not one to say jump into therapy every time you have a problem, but this isn't "He got mad because I didn't make dinner" or "She doesn't let me go out with my friends" this is, "I lied to my spouce and betrayed him by having a secret relationship with another man." This IS a big deal and this is something you should talk to a counselor about right NOW so you can save your relationship right NOW, not when it gets worse.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2000
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:19pm
Your welcome!!!
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