I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
I need advice
4
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 4:23pm
Hi,
I'm 21 and I'm been with my boyfriend, who's 23, for over 3 years now. We've both graduated from college and have jobs, and are now living together. He's been a good boyfriend- he's kind, considerate, and he tells me all the time that he loves me. We've become really close and I care about him a lot. I'm feeling conflicted about our relationship because of several issues that have come up, and I need some advice about what I should do.
1. He and I have only ever been intimate with each other. After about our first year together, I began to feel less interested in being sexual with him. It's gotten to the point where I try to avoid being sexual with him. Also, for the past year, we've been unable to have sex because I've developed a condition that makes it very painful for me. He's been supportive but I think he's growing somewhat impatient. To be honest, I'm somewhat relieved that we haven't been able to have sex because I'm not really interested in it.
2. Over the course of our relationship I've also had crushes on a few other people. I've never acted on them, and eventually I've gotten over them. I don’t think he knows about them, but they have affected our relationship. I'm concerned about this because I feel like if we were truly right for each other, I wouldn't be falling for other people. Either something is wrong with me that causes this to happen, or something is lacking in our relationship that makes me want to be with someone else.
3. He's completely addicted to an online computer game. He plays it for hours almost every night. We've had several huge fights about it- I feel left out, for one, and I also find it really unattractive. He justifies it by saying that several of his friends play the same game and it's how they spend time together. I guess there are worse things he could be doing, but this has become a huge issue. After our last big fight he promised that he'd try to spend more time with me, but things are still pretty much the same. I just always pictured myself with someone who was more active and liked to be outside, like me.
4. We have talked about marriage, but right now it doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. He has said that he wants to marry me eventually, but first he was waiting until I was out of school, and now he says that we need to "get our ducks in a row" first. I think he means that he's waiting until I'm in a more permanent career situation. I'm not sure what my long-term career plans are, and right now I'm working in a somewhat temporary job where I don't make a lot of money. He has a permanent job that he likes and it pays very well.
There are other small issues but these are the major ones. If we did break up, it would be very hard because we've been together so long and we've become integrated into each other's families and social circles (and we also live together). To end our relationship would be a huge upheaval.
So what should I do? Part of me feels like, even though I care about him very deeply, I could be happier with someone else. But another part of me wants him to propose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
In reply to: bedeels
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 4:44pm

You need to face the fact that you don't belong with this guy. You don't want to have sex with him, you have crushes on other guys, you believe you would be happier with someone else. Most relationships don't last forever, you learn and you grow through the experience, refining what you want and need all the while coming to a place of greater self-actualization.

Why do you want him to propose? How do you think marriage will define you? What do you think marriage will do for an already troubled relationship? Why are you willing to settle when in your heart you don't believe you'll be happy with him?

Length of time together and family dynamics have absolutely nothing to do with determining the future of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a fulfilling relationship with shared interest and everything wrong with wanting this guy to propose - that's your fear preventing you from moving forward and creating something in your life of meaning and value. He could be the greatest guy in the world but that doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: bedeels
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:19pm

Welcome to the board bedeels,


I completely agree with simystic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
In reply to: bedeels
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 2:38pm

If we lived in a world where women proposed to men, would you ask him to marry you?

Probably not. You sound just as half-and-half about the situation as he does. It sounds like, from what you wrote at least, that you aren't attracted to him anymore. You can care about someone and not be attracted to them. That does mean you love them, but something you have to ask yourself is: Would you be happy with someone, whom you aren't completely attracted to, but are very close with, for the rest of your life?

It is upsetting that you have integrated your life into his, but sometimes breaking free is all that any of us need.

Finding someone that you want to marry is extremely difficult, especially if you are honest with yourself. But here are some questions you can ask yourself to better gauge the happiness of the relationship:

Are you excited in the morning sometimes when you wake up to your boyfriend?
Is there anything about your boyfriend's sex appeal that you just can't get enough of?
Does he have a good personality?
Despite the World of Warcraft thing, do you guys do other things together (go to dinner, to the movies)?

If you said yes to a couple of these questions, I think its safe to say that there are some very positive things in your relasionship to stick around for. As for the whole World of Warcraft thing, I UNDERSTAND! My boyfriend, although it isn't WOW, it is WWE, that god damn wrestling show. I hate it. And at times, it makes me hate him, but to each his own. If that's his hobby, so be it. I usually just go into a different room and do something productive when he watches that stuff.

Start thinking like YOU are the one who has the power to propose. Then, from that stance, you can begin to assess the situation. Would you really want to be stuck in this situation forever? If you answer "yes" to yourself, tell him you want to get hitched. Give him a time limit to propose, say a year, and if he still doesn't know after that, say your goodbyes, and find someone else.

That’s my two cents at least. Hope it helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: bedeels
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:59pm

i agree with everyone else. this relationship is over and has been for a long time. we've faced it, when will the two of you.

don't you deserve to be with someone that you crave sexually? don't you deserve a man who has his focus 100% on you instead of a computer game?

yes you do. leave this guy and your life will be better eventually, just like everyone here is telling you.