I need advice about a cheating boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I need advice about a cheating boyfriend
24
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:39am
I know this sounds weird, but I found out that my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me with at least 10 different girls on several occassions. His ex-friend called me to tell me. Well, I confronted him and he lied at first. I then told him not to call me unless he was willing to be honest. He then confessed to everything. I'm still with him. I know, why? I ask myself that everyday. I feel like I'm mad at every girl he cheated on me with. He says I should "get over it and quit obsessing about it". I'm so mad at myself for putting up with this crap. He says that he won't "leave me alone" and that we "really love each other and are happy when we are together". I'm mad, hurt and I feel I deserve better. What is the best way to get him out of my life for good?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 7:10am

Let's see here:
1. He continues to cheat on you over and over again.
2. When confronted about it, he tries to lie rather than coming clean.
3. He expects you to be able to just "get over it".

Yeah, these are not the actions of somebody who strongly regrets what he did and is determined to change. I'm sure he would do it again if he thought he could get away with it.

You're right that you deserve better. Usually, when people stay in a relationship that's bad for them it's because 1) They're dependent on the person in some way, such as financially or they don't have other friends, 2)Part of them is still hoping things will change and improve, and/or 3)It just hurts too much to let go.

Anyway, if he won't leave you alone, YOU have to put a stop to it and not allow him any access. Block his e-mail. Have his phone number blocked. If he calls you from another number, tell him you won't talk to him and then hang up the phone. If he comes to your door, don't open it and let him in. If he starts following you around, call the police and let them know you are being stalked. You already know he is going to try to weasel himself back into your life so don't allow him ANY opportunities.

If you find that you're the one who is contacting him and getting back in touch with him, then write all of your negative thoughts about him down on a piece of paper when you are most annoyed at being with him. Then when you are feeling the temptation to call him, pick up the piece of paper and read it. If you find that this is still not working, try talking to a counselor about your problems. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:42pm

I'm glad you're not asking about how to repair your relationship with him. You at least realize that this guy is an awful boyfriend who you are better off without - good.

The best way to get him out of your life is to be honest and to the point. Tell him that you're leaving, tell him why, and have your bags packed. Then leave. Don't stay for a long conversation, don't listen to his side of the story. It doesn't matter. Have a friend or two drive you so you have some support when you leave. Just make it as short as possible and make sure that there are people around you if you think he might overreact. Good luck, you will be so much better without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 1:58pm

>> my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me with at least
>> 10 different girls on several occassions.

Do you enjoy being a doormat? I'll bet not. Do yourself a favor and get out ASAP. I would feel mad and hurt too. I'd be gone if someone cheated once. It's insane to stay with this piece of trash.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:14am
Thank you everyone for your advice. I have made up my mind to leave him. We don't live together but we do work together. I know that he will not stop trying to get me back. Everytime I broke things off before, he would keep bugging me until I gave in. I'm tired of feeling the way I do now. I'm tired of always wondering what he's doing behind my back. He was engaged to a girl before me and had multiple "booty calls" with girls from his old job and who ever else he could. He told me it was because he didn't love her. When I asked why he did it to me he said that in the beginning of our relationship it was because he was afraid that he was falling in love with me, LOL! Then towards the middle of our relationship it was because we would fight and it would help him take his mind off of me and the most recent cheating was because he was afraid of being alone when we would fight. I'm so messed up from all this mess. I told him that I am done with him. He told me that he will NEVER do it again and realizes how much he hurt me. He said that he will never cheat on me again. I told him that he is full of it. He says that no matter what happens between us that he has learned his lesson and that he would never cheat on any girl or lie ever. I think part of me feels sad because what if this is true and he treats the next girl the way I should have been treated. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. I think my biggest question is "WHY?", why me? I know that because I stayed after knowing it's partly my fault. I know that he has cheated on every girl he's ever been with. Is it possible that he can change? I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:39am
And another thing that makes me mad is that he has his whole family and what little friends he actually has thinking I'm a "psychotic, jealous, nutcase". You see, he didn't tell them what a cheating, lying, piece of poop he really is. He would tell them that I'm jealous and don't trust him without saying why. He told them that I falsely accused him of cheating. When I asked him why he talked so badly about me to them, he told me because he was mad and wanted people on "his side". His side of what???? I think he fits the profile of a sociopath!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:25am
at least you and anyone who matters will either know the truth already or be willing to hear your side of the story... don't be too mad.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 10:52am

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You tell him it's over. Period. Don't call me, don't e-mail me, don't text me, don't stop by. If he does these things, it's stalking and harassment and you call the police or talk to your superiors at work.

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This was your first major red flag. If he thinks it's EVER ok to cheat on someone, that's a problem. If he can justify it once, he can justify it again (as you found out). You never know when the next time is where he's going to feel that it's now ok for him to cheat. If he didn't love her, he should've broken it off.

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That's crap. He's been lying to you for 4 and a half years. Why would he all of a sudden be telling the truth? He hasn't even owned up! It's all YOUR fault or the fault of outside factors (his fear of being alone, his fear of falling in love - whatever!)

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Who cares? If he treats the next one the way he should've treated you, that still doesn't change how he treated you! Besides, you KNOW he's going to cheat on the next girl. Why wouldn't he?

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This is true. And if you stay with him again, knowing what you know, it's completely your fault. He's proven over and over that he is NOT to be trusted. How on earth could he earn your trust now? And without trust in a relationship, you really have nothing. Time to learn a lesson and move on.

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Why should you be any different? It's not about you, it's about him and his morals, or lack thereof. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:18am
I have broken things off with him now and it's hard. I knew it would be and I think that's what was keeping me from doing so even though I knew it was for the best. I got a call from a private number today and it was him. He started with his whole " being born again" and how he will not deceive God or me again. I told him that I don't buy his whole religion gimmack and he started sending text message with bible verses. I cursed him out! I have had it and I'm mad! He told me that I'm just mad and he can understand why and that deep down inside we are still "in love" with each other. I feel like he is completely dismissing my feelings and just putting it off as anger that I will get over. Hello? What is this dude's problem? I called him every bad name I could think of and told him that I hated him for the way he treated me. He said "I've done wrong in the past, but I have changed, God has changed me and I am faithful". Am I just not getting something here? He is a liar and cheater and I'm supposed to just forgive him because he's "saved". He sent me a verse about God only forgiving sins of people who forgive those who sin against them. I told him I'd rather go " you know where" than to forgive him. I'm sorry, but I'm angry and frustrated that he thinks I should forgive him because he is "sorry". Grrrrr.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:23am
He has worn you down in the past, and thinks he can do it again. From now on, if he manages to sneak a call through, don't bother to say anything to him, just hang up quietly. "Getting religion" is a common ploy with people like him, and will last only long enough to get you reeled back in. Don't engage with him in any way, maintain NO CONTACT, and he'll start to get bored.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:53am
I agree, he's using religion as a last-ditch resort to get you back. Don't fall for it, it's BS and he will drop the routine as soon as you take him back.

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