I need advice about a cheating boyfriend
Find a Conversation
I need advice about a cheating boyfriend
| Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:39am |
I know this sounds weird, but I found out that my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me with at least 10 different girls on several occassions. His ex-friend called me to tell me. Well, I confronted him and he lied at first. I then told him not to call me unless he was willing to be honest. He then confessed to everything. I'm still with him. I know, why? I ask myself that everyday. I feel like I'm mad at every girl he cheated on me with. He says I should "get over it and quit obsessing about it". I'm so mad at myself for putting up with this crap. He says that he won't "leave me alone" and that we "really love each other and are happy when we are together". I'm mad, hurt and I feel I deserve better. What is the best way to get him out of my life for good?

Pages
Ok, having been "saved" myself, I know a thing or two about it. It does NOT change you overnight. It's not like some lightbulb goes on in your head and you're like "BING!" God will do my bidding.
What it DID do is make me take a good, long, look at myself and what I had been doing wrong with my life. But I would NEVER use it to try and manipulate or push someone. He's USING his "religion" to try and convince you to do something you don't want to do. Since when is being saved a license to stalk?
<> That is VERY dismissive.
<> yeeeeahhh...it doesn't quite work that way. It *can* work that way...but God still gives us free will. He can be faithful to God all he wants, but if he also really knows his bible, he knows that none are righteous. We're all human. And I do personally know a few fellow Christians who have had ongoing extramarital affairs. They might feel guilty about it, but they still do it.
<> Forgiveness is for the forgiver. It's not about the person *asking* forgiveness. If you choose to forgive him, which you may wish to do after some time has passed, all it means is that you let go of the anger. It does NOT mean you go back to being buddy buddy or bf/gf. You can forgive someone and still choose to never associate with him or her again. I forgive my son's father for being verbally and emotionally abusive to me and for leaving our lives when my son was a year old. But I will NEVER be his friend. I'll be nothing more than civil to him if I ever have to (like at my son's wedding or something). Forgiveness means I hold no more anger against him. His abuse was never about me, nor was it about my son. Sure, he did lots of damage, but I refuse to hold on to anger that's only hurting me. But again, I would never be stupid enough to go back to him, even as friends.
All that said, your ex is using God and forgiveness to his own benefit. I don't believe that is what it's all about. He needs to ask God's forgiveness for himself, not to get you back. IMO, being opportunistic is NOT what Christianity is about.
What I think you need to do is stop calling him names and stop taking his calls. You're giving him "negative intimacy", which a spurned lover will take if that's all you're offering. You're still giving him a form of intimacy. You're talking to him and you're expressing some strong emotions, even if it's anger and not love.
Block his number, block his texts, don't pick up private calls. If he continues to contact you, call the police and tell them he's harrassing you.
Go get yourself some good therapy and find out what it is that holds you there. He puts the blame for this on you, and tells you to stop "obsessing" about it, as if it's your problem. I have not heard him acknowledge his wrong doing or strongly committ to stopping it. Even with that, it takes time and patience and a lot of understanding to develop trust again. It doesn't seem as if that is present here. Also, his "threat" never to leave you alone, is not respectful and could also seem
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Hi isabana,
Getting mad in your case sounds like it's a good thing.
Ok everyone, this is a letter I received today from my Ex. I put the XXXXXX's where my name was. Tell me what you guys think. I did not reply to this letter. Don't know if I should.
I know how you feel about me xxxxxx, I have done nothing but hurt and decieve you in the time we were together. I know I have put you through so much hurt and unpleasant fights that i am sure were not good for you, I know they were not good for us. xxxxxx, I do love you more than anything in this world and am so sorry for all the hurt that i have put you through. I really wish I could take it away. I have changed my life and become someone that is so different from the person i was, it was you that brought me here xxxxxx. The letter i sent you when I was on graves is truly how i feel and it was from a heart that has so much sorrow and remorse for what I have done and the way i lived my life. I was a horrible excuse for a human being and I thought nothing of hurting anybody else for my own self gratitude and I hate myself for living that way. I had no morals and everything was about me. I have seen my flaws reflected back at me everyday when i look in the mirror and I ask myself why. I know I have changed though xxxxxx, i know by the letter that I sent that you see it too. I do not deny the things that I have done to you but I will promise you that it will not happen again. I have found my moral compass and it is pointing true. I am honest with you and am faithful. I have been completely faithful to you, and as i said before it was only one more thing that i needed to fix, the lying. As it turned out I needed to fix two more things, the lying and to believe. I have found the light to guide me and it is strong and it lights my path and the path is for the first time in my life is straight and lit. I see where i am going and i know that i will stay here. I have changed xxxxxx and i know it is so hard to get past all that i have done but i know you see that I have changed. I will not hurt you, I will not be unfaithful to you, I will not leave your side no matter how much hate is thrown at me. I will never leave your side xxxxxx.
i haven't read the rest (yet)....
but forgiveness is not about him any longer. it is a gift for you, so you can let go of the anger and hurt and get on with your life. there is so much now for you that this may not make sense. you can forgive him, but not allow yourself to be in the position to be hurt by him again.
anyway, if he continues to contact you, and you continue to tell him not to, then you may consider a restraining order. warn him about it first. you need him to go away from you life so that you can move on with yours.
he is desparate to get you back. but it is not about you or any love he feels for you it is about feeling better about who he is (if you take him back he isn't that bad).
please be strong and GL.
i do not agree that this letter is sweet. it is scares me.
he doesn't care what you want (still). you've told him you are broken up and he tells you he will never leave your side. that is not love. that is not love for God. if he had changed and all he would leave you alone so that you can repair the damage he has done to your life. there is no way he can repair it - he can't even see it.
i strongly suggest that you make it clear to him that he is not to contact you under any circumstances. tell him that is the only way you will know for sure he cares for you - by not contacting you. tell him that you will contact him when (if) you are ready. if he fails to show you he has really changed (by no longer contacting you), then please make sure he is no longer legally allowed to contact you (restraining order).
please throw that letter away and end the contact so you can one day have a healthy relationship. you'd never get that with him. sorry you have to go through this, but i can assure one day you will look back and feel sorry for him and grateful for the life you've created without him in it.
I agree. I don't see any sincerity in his letter, only desperation and a desire to do anything to win you back so that he can go back to his old life. People don't miraculously change. This was not a one-time mistake.
Set it on fire and continue to ignore him. You can do so much better than someone who has done you so much harm in the past.
Hi again,
Sorry, but I agree with the suggestion of burning the letter.
I haven't read the responses yet after you posted the letter, but anyway...
<> - He KNOWS that YOU see it? It's like he's trying to convince you.
<> - it still is. He wants you back for HIMSELF. If it were about YOU, he'd let you go and he'd go forward on his own, being the "Christian" that has become.
<> - at this point, I think I'd say "Great. I accept your apology. Good luck on your lit path" and I'd go on my own merry way.
Btw, I recently read that when someone uses your name repeatedly, it's a manipulation tactic. I see he used your name SIX times in that letter, when he only needed use it once, in a salutation.
<> - that's just scary. He wants you to do what HE wants you to do and doesn't seem to care what YOU want to do.
One other thought - do you WANT to date a religious zealot? If he's truly changed, then he's changed in MANY ways, and not just the lying and cheating. Assuming he's truly changed, then you don't know him any more. He's not the same person. Do you see yourself becoming a born-again Christian? And when I say born-again, I'm NOT just talking about accepting Christ as your savior, because he's taken it further than that. Are you ready to embrace the religion in EVERY aspect of your life? Because that's what he's going to need if he's truly the way he's coming across. Look into it - they believe in subservience for women also. No offense to ANYone who lives this way - I have an understanding of it and how it works, and it's not as negative as it sounds, but you really need to look into all aspects of his religion because sooner or later, if he really is this new guy, he's going to expect you to embrace it also.
And if he's NOT this guy who he's portraying, then he's not going to stop the lying and the cheating. I don't think he really will anyway. He's just acting desperate.
edited to add: from your original post <> -- this does NOT sound like a truly sorry person. Sounds like that didn't work so he's trying another tactic to get what he wants.
What would he say if you went to him and said "if you REALLY love me, then leave me alone for a year so that I can heal, think, etc. You'll have God to guide you and you can do what's best for ME, which is what *I* decide is best for me - being by myself or dating others or doing what I need to do to heal".
I bet he'd change his tune REAL fast on being that God-loving Christian guy who's on the lit path to whateverness. Then you'll know for SURE that he's not being sincere.
Edited 8/17/2007 12:23 pm ET by blondie0506
Pages