I need advice desperately

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need advice desperately
13
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:55am
I need advice about an issue: OKay here is the story:

My booyfriend and I started dating 11 months ago. He was 19 and I was 22. He was in college and I took a semester off. We were perfect together. Everyone we knew & even people we didn't know always said we were the perfect couple. There was a connection that you just don't find with just anyone. I would pick up the phone to call him and he would already be on the line without if ever ringing. We would do same things and have same thoughts at the same time always. You know it just felt right. We only had like 4 arguments in a year. Well last Thursday he had to study and I went out and he came & met up with me. & when we were leaving he said we had to talk. He said he needed space. He still loved and was attracted to me but felt smothered. So i didn't stay with him that night. But I called him a thousand times. He didn't answer because he was asleep. But the next day he called when he woke up. We saw each other Friday night because we went to a party and we hung out some. On saturday morning I woke up early and called him and he answered and we talked forever and I went over there. So for the rest of the day I called him a thousand times again. He talked to me once or twice. & we hung out at a mutual friends house saturday night. & we were cool we acted just like best friends, even though I am devastated I played it cool. But I wonder why he could act like I was his friend and that we didn't have a relationship for the past 11 months. So I called him yesterday a hundred times. & we talked once & i irritated him so he hung up. So i texted him a few times and he responded but the last time I texted him I told him that i knew that i was driving him crazy and I would stop calling if he wrote me back to tell me he love(d) me. He never wrote back. That was the last time I tried to contact him. & I haven't heard from him since. So I was wondering does anyone think I might have ruined my chances with him forever because I kept calling repeatedly over & over like a lunatic? Or do you think he can ignore that fact if I quit now and go & get my stuff from his house when he isn't there? Will that make him forget my lunatic ways and make him feel the shower of love for me again if I truly am gone and give him his space? I also irritated him everytime we talked by asking a million questions. He says he doesn't want to see other people and just doesn't want a relationship & just wants to be single. He says he doesn't know whether or not we could ever be together again because he can't see into the future. But he says it could possibly happen ( is that to appease me?) & he said he wants to be friends. HE said he truly loved me and was happy but he needed space... mind you he didn't want to just take a break though. I just feel like I drove him away for good b/c I annoyed him for 3 days. Does anybody have an opinion on this matter. I mean I can't eat or sleep, which is my 2 favorite things to do. I am heart broken. But I feel in my heart that he is the one & I know that at one time he felt the same...so what gives? Thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 12:18pm
Now get this there is more to the story... my friend called and it turns out that him and 5 of his friends have all dumped their girlfriends out of the blue. One couple dated 5 years... the others weren't so serious.... but they are all in the same fraternity. What gives? I mean one girl & her guy were together about 3 months and he went and told my ex's roommate that he was falling in love with her and 2 days later he dumps her and then her grandpa dies and he couldn't be there for her and he is the nicest, most caring, respectable, loving guy ever!!!!! Is it because it is summer time & they can go be free & do what they want? or they have some kind of bet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:45pm
leaving a note is good, but the one you drafted is a bit overdoing it. Don't make it sound like it's your fault. You didn't do anything "wrong". Everyone acts differently when he/she is in love. If he can't handle that kind of pressure, tell him to take a hike. Just tell him that you will try to give him some space like he wants, and if he needs anything, you will be there.

You said he wants to be single? Sounds like he wants to play the field a little bit. I don't really like the sound of that. You should find out what he really means by that... because if it's a break-up, fine, get it over with so you can move on. Leaving stuff in the air is never a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:04pm
I know this is a little after-the-fact, but I felt compelled to respond. Your situation is almost a carbon copy of mine 14 years ago. I was in college and was introduced to my first true love by a mutual friend. My BF and I were picture perfect. I was consumed by everything about him, and he was feeling things he had never felt for a woman. We spoke all the time and saw each other as often as once a week despite out universities being separated by a three hour drive. It was love at first sight for us and we dated for only about six months. When he decided to bring some of his frat buddies along to my university's homecoming, everything changed. The phone calls went from daily to once a week. I made every excuse for him being pre-vet med and having a heavy workload. I was distraught because I knew he was slipping away from me. He simply did not have the heart to tell me why. The 'I love you' never changed on the phone, but all else did. One Saturday morning, I packed a bag and decided to catch Amtrak to see him without telling him. On the way to the station, it started to rain so torrentially, that the person dropping me off couldn't see in front of his car. We arrived at the station to see the train already pushing down the tracks. The next day, my BF called and broke up with me. No reason given except he was busy with school, I had landed my first radio job, and it probably wouldn't work out. This from a man who I used to catch staring at me longingly in my sleep. The man who used to wake me up at three in the morning with kisses and make love until the sun came up. The man who told me he didn't have the capacity to love another woman the way he loved me. In a nutshell, a man will say what a man will say. Then he will do what he will do. He will always be very much influenced by his friends until he grows enough to earn the title of 'a man'. My BF was 19 also. He was a boy. Unfortunately, he is now alone. He supposedly fell in love with another woman who was killed in a horrific auto accident a couple of years after he broke up with me. It hurts my heart to know he's endured such pain. I often tell our mutual friend to say hello to him. The day he broke it off, a very large part of me died. I cried for months, but I moved on to loving myself and not allowing that kind of hurt again. That's what first love is all about. I'm married now to the man I allowed back 'in' my heart following all that hurt. We have a five-year-old. But, I just wanted to share my story. I truly wanted to die that afternoon in February when a man I once loved said 'I love you' and 'I don't want to see you anyomore' in the same breath. So, pick yourself up, live a little, concentrate on loving you and satisfying you now. You've been given the tools that will continue to help you build the character that will make you the woman you will be going forward.

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