I need advice, PLEASE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
I need advice, PLEASE!
10
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 9:13pm
I have been married almost 1 1/2 years. My husband has a child from his first marriage, and he moved out because he said that I do not want his son. We met and started dating well after his divorce was final. My husband is the custodial parent, and his ex pays child support. The child only sees his mother every other weekend, so he has been with us the majority of the time. I have never thought that I would be OR take the place of his mother. Having said that, it has been difficult to know what my place is or what my boundaries are. The ex-wife continues to talk badly about me (I definitely question the motives of the ones telling me what she says), and I feel like any progress that can be made with the child is pointless when his mother bad-mouths me. It feels like 1 step forward and 10 steps back. A few months ago, my husband and I began to have problems when his son would come home after a weekend with his mother and say that she had been discussing his coming to live with her. The child support is based on a percentage of her income, which is about $400 a month. My husband, on the other hand, would have to pay her about $1,000 a month if he were the one paying child support. When she began discussing this with him, I believe that my husband became petrified that the child would want to go and live with his mother (in the past he has expressed doubt that the child is even his). So, my husband (in my opinion) became obsessed with pleasing the child, neglecting me in the process. I feel like I was totally alienated! I desperately want to save my marriage, but I am not willing to let a child run my life and make all the decisions. Any advice???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:57am
I would start by having a serious talk with your husband about the ex bad mouthing you. I had the same problem with my son's father. He had 3 kids and a bitch of an ex wife. His kids lived with us and we got along very well until their mother decided that she wanted to get back into the kids' lives. She hated the fact that I took good care of her kids and that her kids liked me. She began telling them that I was the reason that their dad and her weren't together even though they had divorced a year before I ever came along. After a few months, the kids started calling me names, telling me that they didn't like me and repeating the things that their mother would call me. My ex never did anything about this and it played a great part in ruining our relationship. I would try and talk to the mother if she is a rational person or if possible go to court and make her visitation supervised. I am not sure if that is an option as far as the court is concerned, but maybe that if you explain that her negativity toward you is destroying your relationship maybe there is something that they can do. I agree that you cannot let the children run your life, but this child is probably only doing what his mother is telling him to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:10pm
Have you suggested marriage counseling? Or offered to take a parenting class with him? This is a way to get your foot in the door - you won't have to say he's wrong, the counselor can point out the issues based on the descriptions of what's been happening that the obession to please the child you notice to prevent a custody change is doing damage to both the child and to his marriage. While he has no control over the ex bad-mouthing anyone, the counselor will be able to tell him if the child needs support therapy to give him coping skills for what his mother is doing to him.

My best to you.


Edited 5/3/2004 2:12 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:07pm
Update: I found out a couple of days ago that he has contacted an attorney (4 days after moving out) and is filing for divorce. I tried to talk to him, telling him that I do not want a divorce. I suggested that we go to counseling, and his reply was that he had already suggested that months ago. What he actually mentioned to me was that we go to FAMILY counseling. I do not believe that his son should be in there with us while we discuss these issues. I have always felt that we needed to work on US first, then bring the child into it later. Like I mentioned before, I feel like any progress that could be made would be ruined every time he visited his mother. I asked my husband to try to understand that this has been a major life change (for all of us), and it would naturally take time to adjust. His response was that he has given it over a year, and he will not change his mind. He also said that he loves me and things would be different if it were just us. I have an appointment with an attorney next week, because I want to fight this--I do want my marriage to work. I really do not see a judge granting him a divorce on the grounds that (husband says) I do not want his son, without any attempt at reconcilliation. I also want to thank you for your response!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:30pm
Thanks so much! I just posted a reply with an update. I just cannot believe this is happening! I admit that I have not had a good attitude about therapy in the past, because I always felt like we needed to talk to each other first and all a therapist knows is what he/she is told. My husband is not very open about his feelings, and I tend to be way more emotional. If something is bothering me, I want to talk about it and move on. I realize that men and women are MUCH different in this way. Now I have the attitude that if a therapist can at least get him to open up, it would be well worth it. I want my marriage to work. Thanks again for your good wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 7:48pm
Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:32am
First, I feel your pain.

I acquired a son who was 18 months old when my husband and I met, he was two and a half when we married. Being a mother myself, I didnt want the birth-mother to feel that I was trying to move into her space, and we had a dinner with her and her gf and I explained bluntly to her that she was his mother, the spot was not vacant to me, and that I was an addition, not a replacement. I would like her input as to how all aspects of parenting that child were taken care of, would like to be consistent between the houses, and would like to have an open line of communication with her in regards to the child. I also would not stand for her to be bad-mouthed in front of the child, even by my then-bf.

Though she was fighting a WICKED battle with my bf at the time, she would relay messages to me, because she felt that while she was ticked at him, she could come to me. She never had an active relationship with the child, but the 'MY possession' factor was there. Whats funny was that after I told her that, and the fighting stopped with their divorce, she left him with me and my husband. (They had been seperated before my bf and I met, she changed her lifestyle) She virtually checked out on the whole thing.

But that child will be in his life and you HAVE to accept that facet of him, at least if you want this marriage. Plus, with that child (whether anyone realizes it or not, including the child) you have been in his life for a while and a divorce between you two can traumatize him EVERY bit as much if not more than his mothers, given her recent absences. Where she has not been in his life very much, you have taken on a bit of that role, have you not? My husband and I realized that when we were dating and broke up for about five days. When I came by to talk to his father, he was supposed to be napping, he was awake and he got on my lap and screamed and shook if anyone, including me, tried to set him down. He had seperation anxiety BIG time. He just kept clutching onto me screaming my name, crying, "Mine, mine" Dear God, it was heartwrenching.

Though the child wasnt yours, your marriage has never been just 'you and him' and never will be. The child didnt have a say in that factor and deserves people around him who see him not as HERS or HIS or THEIRS, but just a child that needs people around him, as many as he can get, who care about him. If you go, if custody changes, that child will suffer more than either of you. Your husband feels rejected, you feel rejected, but the child is feeling doubly so. I hope that this hasnt been discussed in front of him/her, just as I hope that no bad-mouthing of the ex has taken place in their presence. Mom can be a drug addict, worthless, a cheater, etc, but mom is still Mom.

I hope that you can work through this, I know with ex's and custody things can get horribly messy, especially for the child. It seems that there are alot of misunderstandings going on. Best of luck

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:45am

This is a very delicate and difficult situation. It is a re-constructed family, in which there are always many strains of conflicting loyalty, boundaries, emotions, etc. To begin, when you married your husband, you did not only marry him, but also his son - as your husband is the custodial parent. In order for your marriage to succeed, all parties must be considered. It is certainly unfortunate that the mother is bad mouthing you, but this kind of situation has all kinds of strains built into it. In order for your marriage to work, both you and your husband must set up boundaries about time, activities, decisions, etc. You must work out that which is comfortable to both of you, including issues with the son and his mother.


If the two of you can't work it out alone, get yourself some counselling so that an objective person can help out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:36pm
I really appreciate your reply--its difficult finding myself suddenly alone and trying to talk to those who are close to me. My mom has not been saying much b/c I think that shes afraid my husband and I will get back together and I will hold somehing shes said against her. My best friend, as wonderful as she is, I think is telling me what she thinks I want to hear. My husbands ex has made negative comments about me to people I am acquainted with, but I have always discussed these issues with my husband IN PRIVATE. I never expected him to confront her about these things in any way, but some kind of response from him to let me know that hes on my side and that he does not think its acceptable for her to talk about me was all I really needed. I shudder to think of what she has said to the child!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:48pm
I am DESPERATELY trying to get my husband to go to a counselor, but it seems like he is hell-bent on divorce! I wish that he could understand that this has been such a huge transition for me, as it has been for them. I believe he feels that we became an instant family--mother, father, child--the day he and I got married. I have been reading different articles about stepfamilies on this website, and I have realized that we did absolutely nothing to prepare for this major change in our lives. Our wedding was in December, and my stepson stayed with my husbands family while we were on our honeymoon. He was with us for one night before going to his mothers for their X-mas visitation. He came back to us on Sunday night, and school started back on Monday. It was a whirlwind! I am going to send a couple of articles that I thought might be helpful to my husband and see if I get any kind of response. Like I said in a previous message, I really do not see a judge granting a divorce when there hasnt been an attempt to work it out. I dont even know what grounds he is even filing on! All he told me is that (he thinks) I dont want his son. I just think it will take time...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:39pm
Try talking to your husband if you are able to communicate with him and tell him how you feel if he is still commited to you he will listen as long as you word it right and don't sound like you are coming down on him or the child. Maybe suggest a happy medium that does not exclude anyone.