I need advice, PLEASE!
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I need advice, PLEASE!
| Sun, 05-02-2004 - 9:13pm |
I have been married almost 1 1/2 years. My husband has a child from his first marriage, and he moved out because he said that I do not want his son. We met and started dating well after his divorce was final. My husband is the custodial parent, and his ex pays child support. The child only sees his mother every other weekend, so he has been with us the majority of the time. I have never thought that I would be OR take the place of his mother. Having said that, it has been difficult to know what my place is or what my boundaries are. The ex-wife continues to talk badly about me (I definitely question the motives of the ones telling me what she says), and I feel like any progress that can be made with the child is pointless when his mother bad-mouths me. It feels like 1 step forward and 10 steps back. A few months ago, my husband and I began to have problems when his son would come home after a weekend with his mother and say that she had been discussing his coming to live with her. The child support is based on a percentage of her income, which is about $400 a month. My husband, on the other hand, would have to pay her about $1,000 a month if he were the one paying child support. When she began discussing this with him, I believe that my husband became petrified that the child would want to go and live with his mother (in the past he has expressed doubt that the child is even his). So, my husband (in my opinion) became obsessed with pleasing the child, neglecting me in the process. I feel like I was totally alienated! I desperately want to save my marriage, but I am not willing to let a child run my life and make all the decisions. Any advice???

My best to you.
Edited 5/3/2004 2:12 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston
Carrie
I acquired a son who was 18 months old when my husband and I met, he was two and a half when we married. Being a mother myself, I didnt want the birth-mother to feel that I was trying to move into her space, and we had a dinner with her and her gf and I explained bluntly to her that she was his mother, the spot was not vacant to me, and that I was an addition, not a replacement. I would like her input as to how all aspects of parenting that child were taken care of, would like to be consistent between the houses, and would like to have an open line of communication with her in regards to the child. I also would not stand for her to be bad-mouthed in front of the child, even by my then-bf.
Though she was fighting a WICKED battle with my bf at the time, she would relay messages to me, because she felt that while she was ticked at him, she could come to me. She never had an active relationship with the child, but the 'MY possession' factor was there. Whats funny was that after I told her that, and the fighting stopped with their divorce, she left him with me and my husband. (They had been seperated before my bf and I met, she changed her lifestyle) She virtually checked out on the whole thing.
But that child will be in his life and you HAVE to accept that facet of him, at least if you want this marriage. Plus, with that child (whether anyone realizes it or not, including the child) you have been in his life for a while and a divorce between you two can traumatize him EVERY bit as much if not more than his mothers, given her recent absences. Where she has not been in his life very much, you have taken on a bit of that role, have you not? My husband and I realized that when we were dating and broke up for about five days. When I came by to talk to his father, he was supposed to be napping, he was awake and he got on my lap and screamed and shook if anyone, including me, tried to set him down. He had seperation anxiety BIG time. He just kept clutching onto me screaming my name, crying, "Mine, mine" Dear God, it was heartwrenching.
Though the child wasnt yours, your marriage has never been just 'you and him' and never will be. The child didnt have a say in that factor and deserves people around him who see him not as HERS or HIS or THEIRS, but just a child that needs people around him, as many as he can get, who care about him. If you go, if custody changes, that child will suffer more than either of you. Your husband feels rejected, you feel rejected, but the child is feeling doubly so. I hope that this hasnt been discussed in front of him/her, just as I hope that no bad-mouthing of the ex has taken place in their presence. Mom can be a drug addict, worthless, a cheater, etc, but mom is still Mom.
I hope that you can work through this, I know with ex's and custody things can get horribly messy, especially for the child. It seems that there are alot of misunderstandings going on. Best of luck
This is a very delicate and difficult situation. It is a re-constructed family, in which there are always many strains of conflicting loyalty, boundaries, emotions, etc. To begin, when you married your husband, you did not only marry him, but also his son - as your husband is the custodial parent. In order for your marriage to succeed, all parties must be considered. It is certainly unfortunate that the mother is bad mouthing you, but this kind of situation has all kinds of strains built into it. In order for your marriage to work, both you and your husband must set up boundaries about time, activities, decisions, etc. You must work out that which is comfortable to both of you, including issues with the son and his mother.
If the two of you can't work it out alone, get yourself some counselling so that an objective person can help out.
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