I need advice. Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
I need advice. Please help me!
4
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:34pm
Hey everybody. This is my first time on this board and I hope you all can help me! Here's my story... I have been dating Nick for 2 and 1/2 years. We started going out when I was a senior in high school, and he was a freshman in college. We lived about 20 minutes away and saw eachother about once a week or so. Then he moved home for the summer and we hung out a lot more. Then I went to college about an hour away from his college. So we had a somewhat long distance relationship. We saw eachother all the time on weekends and had amazing sex and cuddled a lot and almost never used our computers because we wanted to be as close as possible. I became very depressed being away from him and really began needing those weekends. Nick convinced me to transfer for my sophmore year of school and said we could buy a cat if I did. I didnt need much convincing. So I moved home for the summer and we saw eachother a few times a week but only for like 2 hours or so. The sex pretty much stopped and when I asked about it, he said that it was because he wanted to just hang out with me for the short time and if we had sex it was all we could do for that day. That was true and I kind of accepted it. When it was time for school in August, I moved into his apartment. The sex didnt pick up as I thought it would because of his first excuse. His new excuse was that we see eachother all the time, we can do it whenever we want, which was about once a month... Then I asked him again a few months later why he doesnt want to be with me physically. He sais it is because I act like a kid too much and sleep with a stuffed animal (I hadnt slept a night without it in my life). I put the animal away and jsut stopped sleeping with it totally AND I really slowed down the childish personality that I have. So then I waited a few months and it still wasn't working. A few days ago I asked if I hadn't done everything he wanted and why he still didn't want to get physical. He said it was the way I initiated sex. So I am in the process of changing that. What's the next excuse going to be? Yesterday I told him I was really in the mood and asked if he wanted to have sex before dinner. He said "not right now, maybe later tonight." So I asked him how often he is horny and in the mood for sex... first he said "Oh all the time" and then I said "so why don't you want to right now?" and then he said "Ok, most of the time I want sex" what a load of BS! So we hung out, I made him dinner, he played some on-line poker (a tournament that lasted three hours)and as his game came to an end I stood behind him at his desk and rubbed his arms and shoulders and he seemed done with everything but was reading some CNN news thing so I took his hand to guide him to the bed..... and he pushed me away and said "what are you doing?" So I went back to rubbing his neck and then like 20 minutes later he turned off the computer and went to the bed. I tried to kiss him some and he said he was too tired. He wanted to have his arm around me and cuddle, which on a normal day is nice but I was so pissed off at him because of the poker and being too tired to have sex that I didnt want to cuddle with him. I have tried everything I can think of and have not had any success. We have a picture perfect relationship outside the bedroom. We just get along really well and love eachother... but I feel sometimes like we're turning into best friends or roommates, not lovers. I dont want that in this relationship because everything else is so good! Sorry I wrote a book! Please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 3:11pm

Are you always the one to initiate sex? Have you tried NOT initiating, and just waiting to see what happens?

There are several possibilities, from what I see here:

1. His sex drive is much lower than yours, so he doesn't want it as often as you do. There is nothing you can do to change this; a person's sex drive is what it is, assuming that he/she is in good health.

2. There may be a physical reason that he doesn't want to have sex very often. Does he have any chronic illnesses, such as diabetes, that could affect him? You can't do anything about this other than encourage him to see a doctor.

3. When the two of you only had a little time together, the novelty and excitement enabled him to overlook aspects of your personality that get on his nerves, but now that you're together all the time, some little things may be grating on him. He has already complained about your stuffed sleeping companion and (apparently) some other childish ways, and you have tried to accommodate his wishes. I am concerned that you are looking for other things to change so he will desire you, and that's not healthy. You are entitled to be yourself within a relationship, stuffed animals and all.

4. The relationship may have run its course for him, and he may not know how to tell you. He may be aware now that living together is a mistake for him, but he still cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you. He's doing what he can to avoid causing you pain, but is unable to wholeheartedly participate in the relationship. If this is the case, the next move is up to you. You can continue to live with him as his roommate, or you can break up with him and look for a new place.

5. This may be the relationship of his dreams, exactly as he wants it. If so, you have to decide how long you are willing to continue in a virtually sexless relationship, being rejected most of the time when you long for pleasure and closeness.

I'm sorry not to be able to offer you very much encouragement or many good suggestions, but the fact is, the person with the lower sex drive tends to hold the power in a loving relationship. Unless the partner who wants it more is willing to nag, beg, or force the other, the person with the lower drive will prevail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 5:14pm

First of all, thanks for your response.

Are you always the one to initiate sex? Now I am, before (when we had a long distance thing and even before that)he used to most of the time and I always wanted it as well so he never got turned down.
Have you tried NOT initiating, and just waiting to see what happens? Yes, I think around November for a month and 1/2 I tried and then I got fed up with the lack of closeness and just gave up. I am willing to try again or try harder. What I REALLY want to do is be able to turn him down, but he doesnt initiate ever so I can't exactly do that.

There are several possibilities, from what I see here:

I guess his sex drive is lower... but he claims to want it all the time as I said.... why wouldn't he just TELL me that he doesn't have a big sex drive and it isn't anything to do with me? Of course he wouldn't just open up and say that but when we have conversations about why he turns me down, couldn't he open up then? Is there a way to ask him about his sex drive and get him to talk to me without making excuses and without me hurting his feelings? He is in good health as far as I know. His potassium is low though. Is there any way that could affect this?

He doesn't have any chronic illnesses...

What you said about the novelty and excitement makes sence and him getting annoyed with me does too. But it doesn't make sence that we used to fight a lot, when we didnt see eachother often. We had communication break downs just because of the fact we didn't see eachother.... and now that I live with him, we hardly fight. When we do we work it out right away and it doesnt last more than hour or so, and usually it isn't about big things. It makes sence that I should be myself in a relationship and not try to change things... but I am still willing to try different things. I also fear that he doesn't necessarily mind these things, they're just good excuses to him to get out of sex. I dont know.

# 4 upset me a lot. I was considering moving out to fix things, you know make him miss me and stuff.... but if we can't live together now, how can we in the future if we got married or something... you know? How do I open the communication lines so he can tell me if he thinks the relationship has run its course? WITHOUT it seeming like I think that. Because I don't at all. If I go in saying "I do not think the relationshop has run its course and I really love you" he won't be completley honest with me. Also he gave me a promise ring in September last year (05) I definitley won't keep living with him as a roommate. My friend from highschool has a two bedroom apartment, and no roommate so I'd live with her...

5. This may be the relationship of his dreams, exactly as he wants it. If so, you have to decide how long you are willing to continue in a virtually sexless relationship, being rejected most of the time when you long for pleasure and closeness. --This makes sence as well, but I want him to desire me and he keeps saying that he'll try and he doesn't.

Thanks again for your help! I'll try to figure out if he fits into any of these.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:17pm

"I want him to desire me and he keeps saying that he'll try and he doesn't."

I think that says it all.

Jamie, you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. Maybe he is not introspective or insightful enough to explain himself, but his actions make perfectly clear that he DOESN'T desire you in the way you want him to, and moving out will not make him miss you to the point that his sex drive changes. One of the most frightening truths to a woman in love is "You can't make a person do ANYTHING"--you can't make him explain to you, you can't make him desire you, you can't make him want to change himself. If he wanted to, he would. All you can do--all ANYONE can do--is decide what works for you. Are you willing to live an almost-celibate life with him, or would you rather move on and find a man whose desire for you matches the desire you feel for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:14pm

Welcome to the board jamiegirl627,


I think two things you said, say it all:


What's the next excuse going to be?


I want him to desire me and he keeps saying that he'll try and he doesn't.


This tells me that you are reading the situation correctly, but unwilling to face the truth of it, hoping it's not true, hoping it will change.