I need advice from a POSITIVE P.O.V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
I need advice from a POSITIVE P.O.V.
5
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 11:54am
My problem is with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend who I'll call "Sandy". My boyfriend and I got together at a young age (16) and tried having a serious relationship. But, it didn't work out that way and he cheated on me for about 6 months with Sandy. When I found out, I broke it off and he tried getting me back but I moved on. Eventually they broke up (a couple years later) and we started becoming friends again. We both continued dating around but felt that no one would/could feel like each other so we gave it a second try. He moved with me to another state where I got a job and we've been back together for about 2 years now.

Sandy and him had a bad break-up (no not because of cheating) so you would figure they wouldn't talk anymore, right? On a recent trip back to our hometown, he called her while we weren't together. I found out and he denied it, but he eventually told me he did call her. I questioned him about meeting up w/ her and he denies that too but I'm not sure how to believe him. I've had ongoing trouble with Sandy since we've gotten back together and I just don't get why they still need to talk to each other. I don't believe there's anything going on between them, but because of our past I can't seem to convince myself.

Breaking up with him is NOT an option. We love each other very much. I just wonder if anyone has gone through a similiar problem with an ex and how they coped with it. I think I have some issues that haven't been resolved from the past and I just need to get over it. I know he loves me a lot and is very sorry for the things he's done.

I like to tell myself "he came back to you...he was yours all along".

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 12:59pm
Just realize that you wouldn't have "trouble with Sandy" if he didn't call and see her by his choice, and if he refused her calls and interaction by his choice.

YOu have problems with her - because despite his "commitment" to you he continues to contact her...that he denies it indicates volumes about his character.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:50pm
I know that they talk by his choice, but 9 times out of 10 it's her calling him. He's the kind of person who listens when/if someone has a problem and I know in her current relationship she needs someone to talk to occasionally. Usually, that's a good quality in a person to listen when someone needs help but because I'm so freaked out that something else is going on it upsets me

I'm just so paranoid from our past that there's more going on than what he's telling me. He's told me that he doesn't tell me when she calls because he knows how upset I'll get and it'll just lead to a fight. I just really need to have more confidence in myself to accept that they're friends and there's nothing going on between them.

Thanks for the input, doubleblade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 2:08pm
Hon, you've got so many rationalizations and justifications going on - I'm not sure that you're going to "get this"...but here goes.

You're saying he's a sweet, kind, can't say no to anybody kind of guy.....that he hides it from you because "you're so insecure" when they converse and meet.......

You do realize what you're saying is that his friendship with her is more important to him than his relationship with you is - because he's not extending to you the courtesy, respect, and acceptance of a mature adult - who has an equality based, honestly communicative, mutually beneficial dynamic in a relationship with you.

What you're saying is that if "anybody anywhere" needs him for "anything, anytime"...he's there - be it on the phone, in person, etc....and that is for everybody "but you" - becuase he's so good, sweet, kind, noble, loving, caring and sensitive that he sees everybody's need of him - but yours.

I agree, you're probably paranoid, and you're probably a little insecure, and you're probably a little suspicious and accusatory - and maybe you dissolve into a paroxym of tears and hysterics that make him "want to avoid having you and "her" and his involvement with her" impacting him.

But he's can't put his relationship with you in a box...and put it on the shelf when her or other people need him - that he wants to interact with, be neededd by......and then take you off the shelf whenever it works for him, or won't impact him negatively.

He's insecure - that is why he needs to be everybody's everything......because if he wasn't insecure he could prioritize and honestly communicate. And eithrer tell you honestly that you and she hold the same status in his estimation as far as "importance" go (not same status as to "girlfriend) and he's going to see her, contact her as often as he likes - as a result of her being a priority in his life by his choice...Or he'd tell her honestly that YOU and your relationship are of greater value to him than being "needed and leaned upon" by her......and he'd cease to have contact with her like he does - primarily behind your back.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:06pm
I agree with both of Erin's replies and would only add, he likes Sandy's attention or he would have set some boundaries with her long ago.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:02pm
It's understandable that you would feel upset to discover that he called Sandy and spoke with her. Just let him know that it is not acceptable to you for him to have an on-going relationship with her. Set a mutual boundary. Tell him phone calls or any contact is just off limit, due to their past and due to the fact that it bothers you. He should be fine about this. All couples need to set boundaries in their relationship regarding different behavior, what feels okay and what does not. This is crucial to building a foundation where you feel safe and respected. You must then trust him if he gives you his word. If you do not trust his word, then you have a very different problem, one that is more fundamental and that must be handled carefully. You must learn how to build trust together and do it day by day and step by step. Without wholehearted trust, no realtionship can be a loving sanctuary or a place of respect.