i need advice urgently

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
i need advice urgently
2
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:35am
Am 25 and my patner is 33. i have been with my patner for almost three years now and had a baby together. but i naver really love him from the start but believe in love grows because he's such a nice man.but the love never grows and plus not being good in bed too. i met this other guy 34yrs ,who happens to be everything i want in a man , i really love this guy and he satisfied well enough in bed. but he's got three kids.

i want to leave my partner cos things are not working at all.and also he's got to know about the other guy too . i've been seeing the other guy for a year now. things are messy between me and my partner cos i believe he never forgives and he doesn't trust me anymore but he loves me so much that he doen't to let me go. but i dont love him.

i need my happiness and with my baby. but i dont want to hurt my partner .sincerely i don want the relationship anymore cos am not happy in it.but i want to settle thing maturedly but he is not ready to let go.

pls what do i do.

worried girl


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:02pm

Wow.


Not only do I disagree with continuing this affair while still with your partner, i think you need to decide on who you want to be withand what life you want immediatly. After a year of infedilty, he has every right to have trust issues with you...however, if it is something he cant get past, he needs to move on and hasnt.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:28pm
What a story...I don't know where to begin. 1st - shame on you for being with 2 guys at once. If you weren't happy you should have left the father of your baby BEFORE hooking up with this other guy! Trying to "have your cake and eat it too" isn't a nice game to play with ANYONE. If your wanting to be mature so bad then that's where you should have started. But with that already done and over you can't take it back so now it's on to other problems.

2nd - is this other guy with the 3 kids still married/with someone? And if you like him so much why does it bother you that he has 3 kids? You yourself have one so you're in the same boat. Also, does the 2nd guy know you are still with your baby's father? If he knows you have someone and he is STILL pursuing you then what makes you think that he won't pursue someone else once you are with him exclusively. Better yet, how can he trust that YOU wont do to him what you're currently doing to your baby's father?

3rd - you said "things are messy between me and my partner cos i believe he never forgives and he doesn't trust me anymore". It's no wonder he doesn’t trust you.

You don't seem to understand you have to EARN trust and forgiveness. What you are doing doesn't justify trust and forgiveness. If you want to leave then leave. Don't stay because you feel you may hurt your bf's feelings if you leave. I honestly don't think you can hurt him much more than you already have. When you do leave, make sure that you both see a lawyer TOGETHER to set up custody and visitation etc between the two of you. At least he can still see his child if nothing else. It's the least you can offer him now I think. Either way you need to decide now WHICH ONE you want to be with - not both -and do it soon. If not for your sake, for the sake of your bf and your child.

(PS...how good they are in bed shouldn't be a deciding factor either, especially when there is a child at stake and I disagree with having a child with someone you know for a fact you don't love to begin with although it probably wasn't planned and I'm sure you’re a great mom --- just some food for thought)

I do hope you heed the advice given to you and straighten this mess out. I wish you the best of luck...sweetnopichick