I need all the advice I can get

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
I need all the advice I can get
4
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 4:14pm
Okay, this might be a little long, so please bear with me.

When I met my boyfriend, we hit it off instantly. We have so much in common and I've never even had friends with as much in common as we do. He is my first for everything: relationship, kiss, sex, etc, and he knows it. He on the other hand has been the type of guy who will get any girl and do anything with her. Suddenly, once we've made our relationship official, he changed his old habits and stayed "a one-woman-man." He always tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. I love him deeply, with everything I have, and I, too, want to be with him for the rest of my life. He's in the Marines and has a very demanding schedule. His hours are never the same but I am behind him 120%. His truck is back home but is now being shipped to my house. There have been times when he had to work nights and would get off work anytime between 12am - 6am. I was always there to pick him up. I would sleep in my truck and wait for him to get off so I could take him home, then take him back before I had to go to work. When he was visiting back home, I quit my job, but found another one. I am in real estate, which too, is very demanding. The job that I am currently at allows me to use my Notary License and just last night I had an appointment at 8:30. He got mad because he thought that my job was interfering with our relationship. I assured him that I would never let my job get in between us, but I had been jobless for 3 weeks, and I needed money desperatly. He then put limitations as to when I can or cannot work. He also got mad because whenever he asks to borrow my truck to go to work, I tell him I have things to do. He makes the excuse that I'm just trying to find a way to mess around on him. One thing is for sure, I would never do anything like that. He knows that I have saved myself for the person who would truly care about me and I care about them. He knows that I was saving myself for the one that I was going to marry and since I strongly believe that we will be together for the rest of our lives, I told him there is nothing to worry about. I always give in to prove that I have no one else but him and let him take my truck, but this morning was when I had it. I had plans to go to the grocery and pick up things, but he got mad so I let him take it. I was pretty much stranded at my house with no food, while my truck is sitting in the parking lot of his work. Another argument we had last night was that he feels like I don't have emotions or feelings in anything I say or do. I am the most caring person anyone would ever know, but I have never learned to express my emotions and feelings. I don't like to cry infront of people and I've been taught to keep my emotions bottled up. I know that is my weak point and I need to work on it because it's not healthy for me. So now, I get to my questions: 1)How can I assure him that I will never mess around on him? 2)How can I get him to be 120% behind me on my career? 3)How can I tell him nicely that he can't take my truck anymore? 4)How can I tell him to help me learn to express my feelings and emotion? Even any advice on expressing my feelings and emotions from you would help a great deal as well. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 4:37pm
jdrk...

In life...you can give a little or a lot...but in your situation...Pianoguy thinks YOU GAVE THE MARINE TOO MUCH TOO SOON!

When you relinquish your personal ambitions, goals and desires in order to be available 100% of the time to accomodate the needs of another...that person WILL eventually take you for granted and make demands!

So unless you want to be verbally trampled by the marine...it's time to rewrite the rules.

Start with no more usage of the truck! If he asks "WHY NOT?"...you simply tell him that you need it for your own use. Whether you have it on the road or it just sits in the driveway doesn't matter...THE TRUCK BELONGS TO YOU!

Your job is your livelihood. Mr. Marine isn't married to you...nor is he supporting you financially, is he? So...when you have to work at odd hours...YOU WORK! . If your b/f isn't pleased...tell him to rearrange his military schedule to accomodate you!!!

Now if the last suggestion doesn't completely stifle your relationship...here's one more!

You've already demonstrated your "fidelity" by being available for him. If Mr. Marine thinks you're fooling around...while he's on maneuvers...tell him to CUT THE CRAP or play "soldier" with a different woman! Most women won't go the distance the way YOU HAVE, but maybe "Gomer Pyle" needs a wake-up call?

As for being 120% behind your career....if anything YOU DO interferes with HIS PLANS...you haven't got a prayer! Basically...it's time to show your b/f that just because he's a 'macho marine'---this isn't a sufficient excuse to push you around.

AND AS OF NOW...YOU'RE THROUGH TAKING "ORDERS" FROM A MAN WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:14am
you cannot reassure him 100% about nothin trust it' s made for that...( and it seems to me u are not doing anything special for him to worry) if he doen's trust you it's his own problem!

he is always away for work ( his job would put a lot of stress on any relationship) and YOU had to adapt on this, and he has the courage to say that YOUR job interfere with the relationship ??!!

not to mention the truck, he leaves you home with no food in the house 'cause he needs the truck?!

the problem is not you dear, it's him!he as controlling issues, he knows he has power on u!

think about it...and good luck to u

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:00pm
I would like to thank you. The evening I posted my problem and read your advice, I had a very long conversation with him. When he got home, I went outside and greeted him like I usually do, and he was smiling. He asked me what was wrong (I guess it was that noticable) and I told him we needed to talk. When we got inside he told me that before I started he was sorry for being such a jerk and being so self centered for the past couple of days. He said he had no excuse for his behavior and understood if that's what I was upset about. Then, I started in. I pretty much explained everything you had explained to me, but in my own words along with my own feelings. We dug deep into our relationship discovering that we have a lot of strong moments. We realized that we could compromise and talk through our BAD times without blowing each other's lids. He told me that he understands that my job could tie me up like his and he said he would not be behind me 120%, he would rather be behind me 200% He told me to do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be with my career because he knows that once I get to my ultimate goal, it will make me happy. Your advice and me following it helped me get my feelings across more confidently so thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:19pm
You do realize that you are asking us how you can change him right? This man is controlling and I would take these instances where he accuses you of cheating as *red flags*. He doesn't care if you are stranded, and I bet he prefers it. Pretty soom you wil be without a car, a job and dedicated to him only. Then you won't be allowed to have male friends, then female friends and pretty soon your family won't be allowed to talk to you, all in the name of love. Then the verbal and even physical abuse starts (or has he done this already?)

Also think about this-those who accuse others of cheating without cause are often projecting.

'I've been taught to keep my emotions bottled up. I know that is my weak point and I need to work on it because it's not healthy for me.'

Then work on that but not in the name of changing for him. Do it for yourself.

Please think about continuing this unhealthy relationship. Can you imagine always having to defend your actions with such an irrational, controlling and unappreciative person?